


I Still Want You

by NuwaWuxia



Category: Luo Yunxi - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bath Sex, Celebrities, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Food, Forbidden Love, Kissing, Love, Main character is bad at feelings, Oral Sex, Romance, Romance Porn, Secret Relationship, Sexual Content, Smut, Soulmates, There is no plot, old flame
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:27:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 84,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25915102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NuwaWuxia/pseuds/NuwaWuxia
Summary: “It’s been…” Yunxi started to do math.“A long time,” I completed his sentence.“Too long,” he agreed. “I was afraid I would never see you again,” he said without sadness. He put his hand on top of mine on the leather seat between us and I felt warm all over my body. “I guess I got lucky.” My eyes had adjusted to the light and with the help of the passing street lights I could see the huge smile stretched across his pale, thin face.______Since she disappeared from his life ten years ago, Luo Yunxi has never cared for anyone but Lei Meilin. Now that he has found her again, can he keep her when life gets in the way?
Relationships: Luo Yunxi/Original Character(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	1. Returns

I wiped the sweat and steam from my brow. The dinner rush had finally slowed down and the orders were only trickling in, allowing me to breath. Xuanxu came into the kitchen and stood behind me while I plated an order.

"A customer asked to see you," he told me with inexplicable excitement. 

"What's wrong?" I asked, not bothering to hide my annoyance. 

"Nothing. He wants to compliment you," Xuanxu smiled.

That didn't make me feel less annoyed. I looked around me for some excuse not to go but there was none. "They asked for me specifically?" I asked. He simply nodded. I sighed and wiped my hands on my apron. I rolled my eyes and gestured for him to lead the way.

"Try to look more excited," he urged and gestured for me to come close. I brought my face closer to his and he whispered, "It's Luo Yunxi."

"Luo Yunxi?" I asked louder than I meant to. He nodded excitedly. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure." He hit my arm. "He's been in here 3 times this month."

"And he asked for me by name?" I asked, brushing the hair out of my face. 

Xuanxu scoffed. "Of course not. Who are you? You're nobody. He asked for the chef who cooked his meal. That's you, isn't it?" He rolled his eyes, then stopped, wondering with his eyes why I wasn't walking anymore, stalled at the swinging door to the kitchen. I could lie and say it wasn't me. What would be the point? Surely he wouldn’t recognize me anyway. I wiped my face with the back of my hand one last time, then I nodded and Xuanxu and let him lead me to the table. 

I scanned the room while we walked slowly across the fairly large dining room. I had been the sous chef at House of Chiang, an upscale modern Sichuan restaurant in Chengdu, for almost three years now. I hadn’t seen Luo Yunxi in over ten. Chengdu was huge and he almost never spent time here since his career was going so well, but somehow I still felt surprised this was the first time our paths crossed. I felt sure he wouldn’t recognize me. I couldn’t find him quickly enough before we got to the table and my heart started to race the moment I saw him. Our eyes locked just a second before Xuanxu came to a stop

“Sir, let me introduce…” Xuanxu started to say before Luo Yunxi rose from his chair. It made an awful dragging sound as the legs scraped against the stone floor of the dining room. 

“Lei Meilin,” Yunxi breathed, his eyes wide and face perfect, as always. He wasn’t terribly tall, but he was thin and stood straight as a rod, and he managed to look graceful standing stock still. The natural dancer was evident in him even when he was motionless. He was wearing a black suit with a white shirt, no tie. His natural black hair was longer than I'd ever seen it and slicked back out of his face, but not with gel, just like he’d run his fingers through it. 

I swallowed hard and bowed low. As I straightened I threw a glance to both sides to see the people around us looking on. I made eye contact with one man at the next table and he quickly looked away. After a long pause the dining room resumed its regular soundtrack of quiet conversations, utensil scraping and glass clinking. I faced forward to meet his gaze again. Xuanxu looked at me as if he wanted to ask a million questions, but I didn’t look at him so he smiled with a sigh and excused himself bowing. 

I waited a moment for Yunxi to say something, but he just stared at me with the same wide-eyed expression. He didn’t appear to be breathing. I chanced a look at his dinner partner, a male, probably around our age. He looked familiar, but I couldn’t place him. Perhaps he was a fellow actor. When I returned my eyes to Yunxi he was smiling slightly and his eyes crinkled a little, but he still didn’t speak.

“Is everything okay with your meal?” I finally asked, looking at their nearly empty dishes. 

“It was perfect,” his friend responded when Yunxi didn’t seem to have a response. “Right, Yunxi?”

Finally he came to. “Yes, absolutely perfect. You’re amazing.” He smiled wider. 

“No, no. You’ve over praised me,” I said bowing again. “Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked after another moment of unbearable silence in which Yunxi continued to stare at me. 

“Any recommendations for dessert?” the friend asked, looking like he wished his fellow diner would sit down or say something. I felt his pain. 

“Oh, yes. We have an excellent mango pudding, as well as a really refreshing almond jelly,” I explained, facing the friend so that I could escape Yunxi’s tractor beam gaze. I worried he might suck me in through those bottomless eyes of his. 

“We’ll take one of each,” was his reply and I was shocked to hear him finally use his regular voice. 

“I’ll have someone send it right out. Thank you for coming in. I’m so glad you enjoyed your meal.” I bowed one final time and dismissed myself. I could still feel Yunxi’s eyes boring holes in my back as I walked away and I was determined not to look back. I didn’t need to in order to see his unfathomable smile that would always be burned into my mind. 

In the kitchen I finally caught my breath. I don’t know how long that interaction could have lasted but it felt like the most awkward eternity. Why did he have to stare at me like that? Why didn’t he say anything? Why did he ask for me anyway? I didn’t have the answers, or I didn’t really want to know them. I opened the refrigerator and took out a bowl of mango pudding and almond jelly each. Xuanxu came up behind me and startled me, causing me to scream and drop the dishes. Pudding went all over the floor between him and me.

I gasped for breath. “Don’t scare me like that!” I looked around the kitchen. “Chengcheng get a mop and clean this up please,” I ordered, hopefully not too harshly. Giving commands made me feel in control again and calmed my unsteady breathing. 

“What was that about?” Xuanxu asked, looking at the ground to make sure he didn’t step in any pudding. 

“You snuck up on me!” I said, accusingly. 

“You know that’s not what I meant,” he replied with a raised eyebrow. I could imagine a few of the questions in his mind right now, but I wasn’t going to answer a single one of them. 

“I’m sure that I don’t.” I shook my head as I walked back to the fridge for another set of dishes. 

“Oh, yes, you do!” he demanded. 

“We don’t have time. Take these to their table and then don’t come back,” I commanded, handing him the desserts. He rolled his eyes and made his way out of the kitchen. I put my hands on my hips and let out a heavy sigh as I looked at the puddling splattered ground. “Chengcheng!” I cried and he hurried over with the mop. 

The evening was finally over and I was the last one in the restaurant. I had managed to evade Xuanxu’s questions for the last couple of hours and I felt lucky to make it out alive. I threw my apron and cap in the laundry bin and flicked off the lights before heading out the back door of the kitchen. 

There was a car sitting in the alley, which was really strange this late at night. It’s lights were on and the engine was running. Instinctively, I clutched my purse close to me and looked toward the other end of the alley, thinking about making a run for it. Suddenly, the door opened, and I knew immediately that the silhouette exiting from the back seat of the car was Luo Yunxi. He closed the car door and walked fifteen or so slow paces to meet me in the circle of light cast by the bright green bulb outside the kitchen door. 

“Meilin,” he breathed my name. “Can I take you home?” he extended a thin, graceful hand toward the waiting car. 

I couldn’t think of any response at all so I just nodded. He smiled widely in response and gestured for me to go ahead of him. I took a few uncertain steps past him and he followed close behind until we made it to the car and he took a few quick steps to open the door for me. Once I was seated inside he closed the door and walked around to the other side. While I was alone in the back seat I could only think of how I smelled of chilis and garlic. Quickly he was back in the car sitting just feet away from me. We sat in silence for a moment because I still had no idea what to say, but I could tell he was looking at me through the darkness of the car’s interior. It was luxurious, though I couldn't see it in detail, not quite a limo but with more than the usual amount of space so one could stretch out their legs, and there was not only space but also a dividing window between the backseat passengers and the driver. The window was halfway open.

“Tell Mr. Wang where you live,” he said quietly. 

“Oh,” I said, realizing we were all waiting on me to give us direction. I told him my address and the car pulled away slowly. Unfortunately, I didn’t live all that closeby. I usually took the bus or metro home.

“I didn’t get to tell you earlier how good your food was,” Yunxi finally said when we pulled out of the alley onto the main road. It felt like it must have been the first complete sentence with any meaning that he had said all night.

“I think you did,” I said, swallowing hard again. 

“I come to this restaurant every time I am in Chengdu, and the food is always amazing. Now it makes sense why.”

I turned my head toward the window and smiled. I normally didn’t take praise very well, but for some reason I couldn’t doubt his sincerity. 

“It’s been…” he started to do math. 

“A long time,” I completed his sentence. 

“Too long,” he agreed. “I was afraid I would never see you again,” he said without sadness. He put his hand on top of mine on the leather seat between us and I felt warm all over my body. “I guess I got lucky.” My eyes had adjusted to the light and with the help of the passing street lights I could see the huge smile stretched across his pale, thin face. 

“I guess I don’t need to ask what you’ve been doing all these years,” I said, pulling my hand away and placing it nervously with my other one in my lap. He didn’t say anything but turned his face away, suddenly expressionless. “I mean, I’ve followed you closely. I’ve seen all of your work.” Did I sound totally stupid? He didn’t respond. “I always knew you would be successful when we were in Shanghai.”

Suddenly his eyes were on me again, but this time they were intense. I had finally broached the subject he really wanted to talk about. He didn’t want to catch up; he wanted answers. The question he couldn’t hold back anymore spilled out of his lips. “Why did you leave?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy you're here. :)


	2. Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously:
> 
> The question he couldn’t hold back anymore spilled out of his lips. “Why did you leave?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thanks for coming back! It means a lot. Here's is slightly shorter post. Thanks for reading :)

I was only seventeen when I entered Shanghai Theater Arts Academy. I did so reluctantly, mainly forced at the hand of my father who was sure I would have a great career as an actress or a singer. It didn’t really matter to him, as long as I was famous and made lots of money. It also didn’t matter to him how much I insisted that, regardless of any shred of talent or stroke of beauty anyone might think I had, I absolutely hated to perform. The idea of anyone watching me do anything, let alone thousands or millions, made my stomach churn. He had forced me into every dance, music or theater group he could manage from the age of seven, and I had thrown up before every single performance. So, at that time, I couldn’t think of any way to get out of what he wanted me to do. The semester and a half that I spent in Shanghai did positively nothing to change my mind about the fact that I did not have a future in entertainment. I was never going to be an idol. I just couldn’t find any way of making everyone else see that. 

At that time Luo Yunxi was already a third year student, majoring in ballet and finding success at every turn. I never could understand what he saw in me, but his charm and his intensity were impossible to resist, so I didn’t. Looking back I did have very deep feelings of love for Yunxi, but in those days I didn’t know what that was, how to recognize it or why it scared the hell out of me. In hindsight, I don’t think it would have made a difference even if I did.  
In the end, he wasn’t the reason that I ran away from the academy, although I wondered if he thought that and I often felt guilty about the possibility of grief I had caused him. Midway through my second semester, with a mind full of fear over the future and feeling out of options I bought a ticket for America and went to stay with my mom. 

My mom was Chinese-American and she has spent much of her life between various parts of China and San Francisco. She lived with us in Chengdu for most of my childhood until she couldn’t take my father’s overbearing nature anymore and left for the states again, unable or unwilling to take me with her. We had a strained relationship but at the very least she could understand my need to run and so she took me in when I landed on her doorstep, broken leg and broken heart. 

I never told Yunxi that I was leaving, although I did tell him many times that I didn’t want the life we were training for and I didn't want to stay in school. Stage fright aside, even if I only thought of our feelings for one another, the career path we were both on was a lonely one that wouldn’t have been able to nurture our love, if that’s what it was, and the result would have been painful either way. That’s what I told myself anyway. In ten years I never gave him an explanation. 

I didn’t tell him all of that in the car either. We sat for a moment with nothing but our breathing and his question hanging in the air. I looked down at my hands, slightly red from a day full of chopping and washing. I took a deep but jagged breath. “I didn’t want that life,” I shrugged. 

“I know,” he admitted. “But you didn’t have to leave without saying goodbye. You didn’t even break up with me. You just disappeared. I went home for a week and when I came back you were gone, like you never existed. Can you imagine how terrifying that was? No one knew where you were or why you had gone. Just gone,” he trailed off. 

I felt my expression harden and I kept my eyes straight ahead. Some people knew why I left. And I guessed those people were good at keeping it secret. 

“There was no other choice,” I said flatly. “I couldn’t have waited, and even if I did you would try to force me to stay, and I just couldn’t do that, okay?”

“I-” he sounded as though he were about to deny it, but stopped himself for some reason. 

“Besides, we would have always ended up broken hearted in the end, anyway. There was no avoiding it,” I told him matter-of-factly. 

His head snapped to look at me. Nervously I turned my head to look at him and saw one tear roll quickly down his cheek, under his chin. He breathed unsteadily. “For ten years, I’ve only had you in my heart,” he said so quietly I wasn’t sure I hadn’t imagined it. 

I felt my face soften and a crinkle between my eyebrows. He scooted closer to me until our knees were touching and took my hands. “You have been the only woman to fill my broken heart for ten years. Please tell me that means something to you,” he pleaded. 

I withdrew one of my hands from his and he looked afraid as I reached up to wipe a second falling tear from his cheek. I left my hand against his face and stared into his eyes, full of emotion and vulnerability, begging me to love him back. For all these years I had never let anyone into my heart either, but knowing the outcome for the two of us, I had long ago caged up all my wild feelings for him and threw away the key. Now I could feel the bars rattling within me, love and passion waiting to bust out and devour me for starving them for so long. 

The car pulled to a stop. “We are here,” the driver said very quietly. 

“Mr. Wang, can you give us a minute?” Yunxi said smoothly, his face still in my hand and his eyes never leaving mine. 

“I’ll just go have some tea,” he said, exiting the car and walking to the tea house a few doors down from my building that was open late. 

A lion within me roared and I closed the space between our lips, but it seemed to me that he had the same thought at the same time, and he would have kissed me first if I’d let him. I remembered how our thoughts were often in sync, in our past life. My hand moved from his cheek to his neck, pulling his face closer to mine, as if that were possible. His hands released my remaining one from custody so he could wrap one arm around my back and another around my thigh, swiftly and easily pulling me into his lap while I clasped my other hand around his neck. Ten years fell away between us and I felt like a teenager again, absolutely desperate for him. He wrapped both arms around me now and held me tight against his body while his tongue entered my mouth. We kissed passionately for what felt like a long time, but what was time anyway?


	3. Explanations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're amazing. Yunxi's amazing. Thanks for being here.

Finally we broke apart, gasping for air. 

“Will you invite me up?” he asked, his chest heaving.

Suddenly, I felt slightly nervous. I shifted myself off of his lap and back to my seat. “Let’s slow down,” I said, smoothing my hair. 

He chuckled a little. “I’m not trying to get you into bed, I swear. I’m just not ready to watch you go.” His voice was soft. I looked into his eyes for a moment, trying to guess what he really wanted from me. “No funny business, I swear. I just want to stay up all night talking with you, like we used to do.” I chose to believe he was sincere, since he usually was. He wasn’t one to lie. 

I nodded, “Okay.” I put my hand on the door handle, but he stopped me. 

“Look out, first,” he warned. We both looked out through the dark tinted windows at the sidewalk. We were parked directly in front of the entrance to my building, so there wasn’t far to go. There was one man walking down the street, but otherwise it was very quiet. Yunxi reached into his pocket and pulled out a black mask that he slipped over his face. When the man had walked by the car he nodded for me to open the door and we got out, his hand grasping mine. We walked into the building and waited at the elevators for a minute. Inside it was quiet, but his eyes darted around suspiciously. How terrible it must be to feel like that all the time in public. It was exactly the life I didn’t want. 

Once inside the elevator I pushed the number 8 button. As soon as the door closed he pushed me against the wall and pulled down his mask in one swift motion. His eyes looked directly into mine and I could see his smile in them before I felt it against my lips. Gently he bit my lip and I felt completely lost until I heard the ding. 

He pulled away just as quickly and let me lead the way, although I felt like I was swerving a little. I thought I heard him laugh behind me. 

I unlocked the door to my apartment and kicked off my shoes. He followed suit and carefully folded his mask before placing it back in his pocket. My apartment was not huge, but it was fairly spacious for a one bedroom in Chengdu. The kitchen was the focal point for me, with its large granite island and electric stove. It opened onto the living room/dining area, where there was a TV in front of the comfy sofa, and a bedroom, where I never spent any time except to sleep. The bathroom was small but sufficient, and I was already heading in that direction. 

“There’s wine in the fridge, if you’re interested,” I said over my shoulder, gesturing to the kitchen. “Help yourself to anything you want. Just make yourself at home. I need a shower.”

Unexpectedly he grabbed my hand and pulled me backward, spinning me into his arms until my chest was pressed against his. He placed a kiss on my forehead before breathing deeply from the top of my head. “I like the way you smell right now,” he whispered.

I laughed. “Please, I feel gross.”

“But you said to help myself to anything I want,” he pouted. 

“You can have me in ten minutes,” I insisted, gently pushing away from his chest. 

He looked at his watch and then to me, back and forth a few times. “If you aren’t out here in ten minutes, I am coming in there.” He wiggled his eyebrows seductively. 

“Hey, you said no funny business,” I reminded him as I backed away. 

“Then you’d better hurry.” His eyes flashed, exciting me. 

I did as he said and scurried to my room. I hurried through my shower, scrubbing ferociously at every inch of me until I felt clean. I washed my hair quickly, trying to beat the clock. I didn’t know what I would do if he came in to get me, but I was more rising to the challenge than trying to escape the consequences. I was surprised by how happy I felt knowing he was just in the other room. A few hours ago, when I first heard he was in the restaurant, I was nervous and panicked, but now I couldn’t remember why. I remembered that I used to feel very comfortable with him. I drifted over all the questions he might ask me tonight and I was determined to be honest with him. There was no use in excuses or lies between us. Too much time had passed. We were both older and, I hoped, wiser people than we were before. If he didn’t like what I had to say, or we didn’t match up as the people we were now it would be better to know immediately and put all our cards on the table. I had an intuition that we would be in sync mentally as we had often been before, but I meant to find out for sure. 

I slipped into some loose black pajama pants and a silky white shirt. I was still using a towel to remove the excess water from my hair as I rushed out and nearly ran into him trying to come into my bedroom. 

“Damn!” he exclaimed, disappointment clear on his face. A huge smile cracked across my face. I couldn’t tell if I was more happy about his attitude, winning the challenge, or just him being there. 

“I win,” I said, playfully putting my face in his to tease him. 

“Yes, but I still get a prize,” he bragged. He placed both his hands on my neck and pulled me into a gentle, contented kiss. It wasn’t urgent like the others we had shared, but it was firm and it felt like being home somehow. I dropped my towel to the floor and leaned into him, smiling once again. What was this happiness? How could something so unexpected and sudden feel so good and so right? It felt like, despite being apart, our feelings had grown and blossomed without us being together, and now they were fully satisfied. 

He let go of me only to pull me into a hug and sniff my wet hair before letting out a satisfied sigh. Peeking just over his shoulder I could see two glasses of white wine on the kitchen counter. I slipped out of his arms and around him. He grabbed my hand, but followed my lead. It seemed he just couldn’t stand not to touch me. I had no problem with that. I grabbed a glass and handed it to him before picking up my own. I clicked them together and then took a long sip. He was smiling at me again and it warmed my whole body. 

“Oh!” I suddenly realized. “What about Mr. Wang?”

Yunxi gave me a funny look. “I texted him to go home and come get me in the morning. I hope that’s okay.”

I nodded. 

I noticed for the first time that he had removed his jacket. The top few buttons of his shirt were undone and his sleeves rolled up. He looked cool and casual. I thought for the first time, there’s a movie star in my apartment. I almost spit out my wine at the thought. 

“What?” he asked, one eyebrow cocked. 

“Nothing,” I said sheepishly. “Do you want to change into something more comfortable? I might have something…” His hips were narrow enough he could probably wear my clothes. 

“I’m okay,” he said and led me toward the couch. I pulled my hand away from his to grab the wine bottle. He settled himself, but when I sat down it seemed to him that I was too far away. He set down his glass, then taking me by the knees, pulled me closer to him. I almost spilled. 

“You are so needy.” I took another sip. 

“Yes, I need you desperately,” he readily admitted. It wasn’t pleading or even seductive. He merely said it as if he said he needed water or food. 

“What do you want to talk about then?” I was ready for his questions. Feeling relaxed and confident with him by my side, I felt I could handle anything. I remembered this feeling.

He hummed for a moment, thinking. He tapped his fingers on my arm stretched across the back of the couch. “I feel like I’m at a disadvantage,” he said finally. “You know what I’ve been doing all this time, but I don’t know anything about you.” He rested the side of his head against his fist. “Tell me everything.”

I proceeded to tell him about the years I spent in the United States with my mom, travelling around the world a bit, and then coming back to Chengdu to study at the culinary institute. I didn't know if it sounded as interesting in my telling of it as it was in real life, but he listened attentively. For the last few years I had just been working happily. I had built a life I loved around my work and my hard fought freedom, and there was very little disturbance in my day to day life. It made me happy to provide enjoyable food to strangers on a daily basis, and I didn’t ask for much more than that except to make each day my own. 

“You got to achieve all your dream. I'm really happy for you,” he said when I finished my story. His eyes were so soft and his smile was warm and genuine. “Were there...or are there…any boyfriends?” he asked shyly, although he was trying to maintain his gentle expression. 

“None worth mentioning,” I admitted, embarrassed for some reason, but it made his eyes brighten just a little. “I’ve never loved anyone other than you.”

He took my hand and kissed it. “Me neither,” he said tenderly. I rose up onto my knees and scooted even close to him so that I was practically in his lap. I beamed up at him. “What could you possibly be thinking?” he wondered.

I leaned in closer and whispered, “Luo Yunxi is in my apartment right now.” I don’t know if it was the second glass of wine or the high I was feeling from being with him, but I was starting to feel giggly. 

His head rolled backward and then forward. “Come on!” he said exasperatedly with a smile. I knew he secretly loved the admiration. He wasn’t looking at me so I continued. 

“Do you know, I stopped watching Ashes of Love because I hated how they treated you. When she broke off your engagement, I was done.” I told him. Okay, I was definitely tipsy. 

“Oh my god! That was like, last night,” he cried with a laugh. Tears of laughter came to his eyes. 

“Night before last,” I corrected. “I hated seeing you cry,” I said more gently and seriously this time. 

He took the glass out of my hand and placed it on the table. I frowned, but I didn’t protest because he was pulling me fully into his lap and wrapping his arms around me. I draped my arms over his shoulders and stared into his eyes. 

“You would have hated how I cried when you left me,” he said quietly. Why did he have to say such a sad thing?

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered. “I really didn’t want to hurt you." I buried my face into his neck, hoping if I was cute enough he would forgive me.

"I believe you." He began stroking my back.

I sniffed and sighed, searching for words to explain myself. He seemed happy just to hold me, so I took my time to find the words. Finally I straightened up so I could look him in the face. “Back then, there were so many things that I was afraid of. I didn’t exactly know what I wanted, but I knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to be an entertainer. I didn’t want to be controlled by my father anymore. I didn’t want to be controlled by anyone.”

“Did I control you?” he asked, sincere concern in his voice. He was asking for the truth. 

“I think you tried to, but I knew that you wanted me to stay. So when you were gone…” I drifted away. 

“You had a chance to get away from me,” his voice was full of regret. He started to shift uneasily beneath me. 

“It wasn't like that!” I grabbed his face, afraid he was pushing me away. 

He looked at me in the eyes for a second. “My leg’s asleep.” I scooted off of him and he got up to stretch his legs. “You can go on,” he encouraged with a patient tone. 

I took a deep breath. “I never wanted to run away from you. When you were gone someone threatened me to leave the academy,” I finally admitted. I had never admitted it to anyone, except my mom. 

“Who threatened you? Why?” he asked, crouching in front of me. His tone was one of concern, rather than disbelief. 

I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter anymore. They gave me an out, and I took it. In the end, they did me a favor. You and I were collateral damage. But I can’t bring myself to regret it.” He looked a little sad at my last statement. 

“Haven’t you missed me at all?” he wondered ruefully. 

I gently pressed my palm against his cheek. “Sometimes I let myself miss you. But when I think about it, even back then I knew, if we stayed together we would have eventually been ripped apart, and it would have been harder for either of us to find happiness.” 

“Why?” he demanded. 

“What would have happened when you graduated? How would we have gotten through your idol days. At best, we would always be apart, on different schedules, never syncing up. At worst we would have been broken up by industry pressure and our own immaturity. Even now, every cell in my body knows I want to be with you, but I have to ask myself how it will be possible.” I felt sad, and it was horrible because I had been so happy just a few minutes ago. 

“Why does it have to be impossible?” He was demanding an answer from me again. I couldn’t tell if my words had saddened or angered him. Maybe both. 

I pondered it for a moment. “It’s not impossible. One of us will just have to give up something we love, my freedom or your success.”

Suddenly he was leaning over me, his face inches from mine. “I will give it up for you,” he said in all seriousness. His intensity was overwhelming, and I could do nothing but blink at him. 

I leaned back an inch or two. “We don’t have to figure it out tonight,” I told him with a slight shake of my head. I raised my hand to touch his cheek again. “Tonight, I just want to enjoy being with you,” I smiled, trying to get back the feeling I had had an hour ago, before I started to rationalize everything. My rational side had a tendency to take over my emotion and make harsh everything that was beautiful. His face softened as he realized I was right. 

“Yes,” he sighed and forced himself to smile. He finally rejoined me on the couch, reclined on one end and pulled me on top of him. “Tonight is just us, here and now, and nothing else needs to matter.” His tone was one of contentment again. I joined in his mood and played with the buttons on his shirt. 

“Talk to me about something else,” I requested.

“What?”

“Anything.” I just wanted to lay with my head on his chest, and listen to his heart beat, and appreciate the fact that he was here beneath me. 

“Are you sleepy?” he asked. 

“No,” I yawned. 

“Do you want to move to the bed?” he said, poking my side. 

“No, I’m too tired. Just stay here,” I mumbled, making him laugh. It sounded wonderful with my ear to his chest. 

“Okay,” he said, patting my head. He began telling me a story about when he was with the group JBOY3, but I didn’t hear much of it before I fell asleep.


	4. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally getting to the smut. Hahaha

I woke up in the morning when the sun was just rising over Chengdu. Yunxi was still beneath me. His shirt had fallen open a little to where I could see just a hint of a nipple. I felt the urge to touch his skin, but I fought it, not wanting to wake him. Very carefully I got up off the couch. Luckily he was still a heavy sleeper. I crept into the kitchen and put on a pot of water to boil for congee before going to the bathroom to brush my teeth and straighten myself out. My hair was a mess since I’d never bothered to brush it after showering last night, but I didn’t care very much when the memories of spending time with him flooded back to me. 

He slept for quite a while longer and I was cautious to keep quiet while I worked in the kitchen. The rice porridge was almost ready by the time he woke up to find me sitting on the floor drinking coffee while watching him sleep. He looked startled at first, probably not expecting to wake up in an unfamiliar apartment, but he quickly smiled and closed his eyes again, turning his face away and covering his eyes with his arm. 

“Eh!” I squealed and moved around the tea table to kneel near his head. “Wake up!” I urged, poking him. “You’ve been asleep forever.” He opened one eye to look at me again, then closed it once more shaking his head. “Yunxi!” I whined, shaking his shoulders. Suddenly he grabbed me and pulled me on top of him. 

“Then why didn’t you wake me up?” he mumbled sleepily. 

“You look so nice when you sleep,” I replied. 

“Then why are you waking me up now?” he wondered.

“You look nice when you’re awake, too.” 

He smiled smugly. Then he sniffed the air. “What’s that?” He still didn’t open his eyes. 

“Coffee? Or congee?” I fell to the floor as he rose up to a sitting position. 

He looked down at me on the floor. “I like waking up with you,” he smirked. 

I crossed my arms pretending to pout. “Hmph.” He got to his feet and then helped me up. He walked into the kitchen rubbing his neck and I briefly regretted not letting him take me to bed last night. He propped himself on a stool at the counter and waited for me. I could feel his eyes follow me as I gathered a coffee cup, bowls and spoons. “Do you still take your coffee black?” I asked as I poured. He hummed a sleepy reply. I placed it in front of him and he pulled it slowly to his mouth. I tested the congee. It was ready, so I prepared us each a bowl and went to sit beside him. By now he was already starting to perk up. He tried a spoonful and moaned happily. He was now really coming around and he opened his eyes fully. 

“This is delicious,” he praised. I was really enjoying watching the progression of morning emotions playing across his face. His eyes were puffy, but the light they held was radiating. He ate playfully, licking the spoon clean after each mouthful. 

“Are you trying to seduce me?” I asked. I hadn’t even touched mine because I was so enjoying watching him eat. 

He cocked one eyebrow at me as he raised another spoonful to his lips. He wrapped his mouth around it and gave another low moan. “Is it working?” he asked with his mouth full and I busted out laughing. I couldn’t breath, let alone speak, from laughter as he brought the bowl to his mouth and shoveled in the rest of his portion. He took a long drink of his coffee to wash it down, wiped his mouth on his sleeve and then picked me up over his shoulder. I was still having a fit, but by the time he threw me on the bed I was gasping for air. He climbed on the bed and crawled on top of me. By now I wasn’t laughing anymore. He came to hover his lips half an inch from mine before diving down to my neck and covering me with gentle kisses. I felt tingly all over my body. I still hadn’t had a chance to breathe properly, and now he was torturing me, sending my system into overdrive. 

“This isn’t seduction. This is abduction,” I rattled in his ear. 

He lifted his head to look into my eyes. His were dark. “Do you want me to stop?” he asked seriously and I could see that he would if I wanted to. 

“Absolutely not,” was my reply.

He brought his mouth to the other side of my neck and began to kiss more roughly. I let out a small moan. There was no feeling like his skin on mine.

Suddenly, he groaned quietly and rolled over onto his back. He sighed.

"What's wrong?" I asked self consciously. 

"I love you, Meimei," he blurted out. "I have loved you for so long, but I can't move forward until we clear the air." His straightforward personality made him easy to trust, but it meant he wanted the emotional truth from me and that was always hard for me.

I sat up facing him. "What we talked about last night…" 

He sat up and matched my posture, taking my hands in his. "I don’t want to put pressure on you. I know that's not the way to keep you. So whatever you honestly feel, I want to know. I want to do whatever will make you happy. I will give up my career if that's what it will take for us to have a happy life together. I've enjoyed it. But I have already missed out on so much with you and I don't want to miss out anymore."

"I'm not asking for…"

"Let me finish," he said. "I won't let you give up what makes you happy. But I think there is a third option. We could just be happy in secret. Not because I want to keep you secret. I want to shout from the roof of this building to all of Chengdu that I finally found you, and I'm not letting you go. But I know you're a private person, and I want to protect you from everything my identity comes with. I think we could live our normal lives by day, and by night we could retreat to our secret world. This is the only way I can think of for us to both be happy and not have to sacrifice what we’ve worked for." I could see he was getting more worked up and didn't know where to stop so I jumped in.

"Okay," I agreed.

He stopped short. "Okay?"

I grabbed his face, but his hands were still on top of mine. "I love you. I didn’t expect it to be this way with you so soon. But I still want you. So I don't care if it has to be a secret. As long as we hide from everyone but each other, I know we will be alright."

"Really?" He asked, light returning to his eyes.

"I mean it," I assured him. "You don't actually think I'm selfish enough to deny the world its fairy prince do you?"

He laughed. "Baby, I'm the fairy King." He leaned in to kiss me but stopped short. "Do you have an extra tooth brush?" He asked, scratching the back of his head. 

I led him to the bathroom and found an unopened toothbrush in a drawer. Then I left him alone for a few minutes while I went to the kitchen. I thought about all the implications of being secret lovers. We would never be able to walk down the street holding hands, or go get hot pot at my favorite restaurant. But I would still rather have him all to myself than share him with everyone else, or worse not have him at all. I didn't let myself miss him before because I knew it was a wasted feeling, but he was right when he said we had lost too much time already, and I didn't want to miss anymore. For the first time in so many years there was sunshine in my life, and I wanted to hold onto it. I was lost in thought as I fiddled around in the kitchen, so I didn't realize he was there until his arms were wrapped around me. He rested his chin on my shoulder and whispered, "come back to bed."

"Okay," I smiled and let him pull me in that direction. He kissed my neck all the while.

When we reached the bed he spun me around. He placed his hands on my hips and pulled me against him as he kissed me. His breath was minty fresh. His hands slid under my shirt to glide against the flesh of my back. He reached all the way up to my shoulder blades and realized I wasn't wearing a bra. He pulled away and smirked at me before pulling my shirt off in one swift motion, like he was pulling the tablecloth off a set table. He let it fall to the floor and pushed me backward onto the bed. Everything felt like a dance with him. My eyes widened as I fell back. I scooted back to the other end of the bed, never taking my eyes off his face while he came after me. He looked like he was going to devour me. 

He went straight for my breasts, grasping them firmly in his hands. He drew a line with his nose down the center of my chest until he got to my belly button, planted a kiss just above it and then traced back up to between my breasts. He turned his face right and left so his cheeks grazed my flesh, making me tingle and let out a low moan. His tongue gently licked one of my nipples, and I could do nothing but whimper and twist my hips beneath him. He seemed to really enjoy that. He lingered there, teasing me, and making me wet, and making sure my other nipple didn't feel left out. His hands slid down my sides and he tucked his fingers under my waistband. He stopped and looked up at me, asking with his eyes if this was okay. 

"Go on," I breathed.

He pulled my pants off slowly with a devilish look. Kneeling between my legs he smiled as he admired me. "You have a beautiful body," he said, allowing me to let go of the self conscious thoughts bubbling up in my head. 

"It's all yours, my king," I said, causing his smile to widen further. He loved to be treated as king and have complete control.

His fingers danced from my knees down my thighs and he pushed my legs far apart before lowering himself to lay his cheek against my thigh. His fingers barely touched my skin as they felt my ass cheek and worked their way up to my pussy. He used one finger to trace the edge of my lips, making me shiver and whine. 

"Xixi," I moaned, closing my eyes as he slid his finger into me. My body was on fire and I tried to keep in the wild sounds rising in my throat.

"Don't hold back," he instructed as he brought his mouth to my pussy, softly licking my lips before moving on to my clit. He somehow knew just how to pleasure me and it didn't take long for me to cum, throbbing around his fingers. I had to push his face away because he wouldn't stop. He smiled wide, proud of himself.

He came to lie beside me, pulling my heaving, sweaty body to his side. "Was it good?" He asked. I could hear an uncommon doubt in his voice. 

I scoffed. "Are you kidding?" I propped myself up on my elbow to see him. 

"I haven't done it in a long time," he admitted.

"It was great," I assured him. I kissed him and undid the remaining buttons of his shirt so I could rub my hand over his smooth chest. 

He grabbed me by the wrist and rolled over, pinning me to the bed. "Save me for tonight," he ordered. 

I scrunched up my face in a pout. "You're not fair," I grumbled.

"You'll get your turn," he promised. 

I softened. "What are your plans for today, then?" I started looking for my clothes.

He went to the living room to find his phone out of his jacket pocket and sat on the couch, texting someone, probably Mr. Wang. "I am going to my parents for lunch. Then I have some phone calls to make. And I'm seeing my girlfriend later," he said casually, looking at me sideways as I came to sit beside him.

"You said you didn't have a girlfriend," I said with narrowed eyes.

"Did I?" he replied.

I turned my nose up in the air. "Who wants to see you anyway?" 

He put his hand on my cheek and turned my head to look at him. "Do you work tonight?" I nodded. "Then I'll send the car for you at the same time. Mr. Wang will take you to my place."

"Okay. I'll bring you some dishes," I agreed.

"Deal!" He grabbed my hand with a smack. 

"Ow!" I cried, shaking my hand and pretending to be hurt while trying not to laugh. 

He took my hand more gently and kissed it. "Sorry, sorry, sorry," he murmured against my skin. 

I stole the opportunity to crawl into his lap and we held each other for several minutes without talking.

"I should go," he finally said when his phone dinged. I nodded but let several more seconds pass before I released him.

"Should I walk you down?" I asked, as I rebuttoned his shirt. 

"No, you stay here. Our secret starts now," he told me. "Mei mei," he said quietly with his hand on the doorknob. I looked up at him with sad eyes, disappointed to see him go. 

"Thank you," he whispered and kissed my forehead before slipping on his mask and exiting quietly.


	5. Fairies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a flashback to their first meeting in college from Yunxi's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Super Girl was a popular idol competition show in China in the mid to late 2000s

Yunxi  
c. Autumn 2007  
Shanghai Theater Arts Academy

She was there again. The new semester had started less than a month ago, and I had seen her at every party this term. I knew she was looking at me because I could _feel_ her, and I saw her eyes dart away every time I caught her eye. She would always shift her gaze back to whoever her conversation partners were and act like I didn't exist. Sometimes it was like we were the life of two totally different parties, separated across the room by all our classmates. I was always held in my corner doing absolutely anything I could to maintain the attention of the girls, and typically succeeding. Meanwhile, she was usually surrounded by a small group of guys who clearly loved when she listened to them as much as when she talked. I wanted to know what it was all about. I wanted her attention, too.

I had asked around about her before, but no one seemed to know much more than her name, so I’d have to find out for myself. One night I finally found my chance to talk to her. Someone had decided to throw a karaoke party in their dorm, and I was obviously holding center stage. As I ended a song--maybe my third of the night?--I saw her group disperse, three second-years walking away shaking their heads and her, wearing a smile that said she was rather pleased with herself. For a moment I saw my opportunity and I knew I had to make a run for it. I absolutely needed to meet her. 

“I’ll be back!” I promised to whoever was pulling at my jacket. I stumbled and almost ran into her. I couldn’t remember the last time in my life I had stumbled. But here I was trying to look cool in front of her and almost busting my face. To my relief, I don’t think she noticed, because when I looked up the first thing I saw was her back, and then turning around to look up at me as I pulled myself together.  
“Hi,” I said cooly, trying to play off my awkward moment. 

“Hello,” she said with a smile that seemed to be holding back laughter and the most beautiful brown eyes. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, nor was she dressed like she cared if anyone looked at her, but she held herself confidently. 

“I’m Luo Yunxi,” I said, holding my hand out for a western style handshake. She took it politely. 

“I know.”

I chuckled awkwardly. She knew my name. “What’s your name?” I wondered if she was being coy on purpose. I knew it already, but I wanted to hear her say it.

“I’m Lei Meilin,” she explained as she pulled her hand away. 

“Lei Meilin,” I tried the taste of her name on my tongue. “What’s your major, Lei Meilin?”

“Vocal performance,” she said without a single ounce of emotion or looking like she wanted to talk about it at all. She looked bored by the question.

“Oh, great! You can come sing the next song with me.” I grabbed her by the wrist to take her to the stage.

“No, thank you,” she said, sounding somehow angry and yanking free of my grip. 

“It’ll be fun! We’ll do a duet.” I looked up at the small stage someone had set up. A first-year had been daring enough to step up, but his song was almost finished. "Do you know…" When I looked back she was suddenly gone. I looked desperately around the room, trying to see over people’s heads, but there wasn’t a trace of her. Then Qingyi was at my elbow, begging me to sing with her, so I gave up and followed her to the front. 

I lingered at the party for another hour or so, but without feeling her eyes on me all the songs seemed pointless to perform and without the possibility of her there to talk to the party had lost its fun. I set off across campus with just the slightest hint of alcohol coursing through my system, making me buoyant. I danced across the main plaza for the audience in my heart, although to be fair I never needed any reason to do that. From behind me I heard the faintest giggle. I spun and stopped on a dime in the direction of the sound and I could see a shadowy figure sitting on a bench. 

“Who’s there?” I called into the night, excited to meet my audience.

“Meilin,” she giggled her own name. 

I pulled up short, both elated and nervous that she was watching me. It was like all I’d ever wanted. “Lei Meilin?” I breathed.

She stood up and walked out of the shadow to stand a few meters away from me. “Did you forget me already?”

“Never,” I promised. “Where did you go? I looked for you. You missed our song.”

She seemed to shift uncomfortably. “It was getting boring there. Didn’t you think so?”

“Uh, yeah,” I said, thinking about how badly I had wanted to escape when she was gone. “What are you doing out here?”

“I was just looking at the moon,” she pointed up to the bright full moon. “Even though it's the mid autumn festival, I didn’t expect to see a moon fairy dancing in front of me,” she said, almost presciently. 

“What else would a moon fairy do?” I asked, charmed by the image she conjured. She laughed, sounding like a fairy herself. It was completely enchanting. I wanted to make her laugh again. “Aren’t you cold out here?” I asked, seeing her thin shoulders exposed. 

She shook her head. “What are you looking at?” She cocked her head as she caught me staring at her. 

“Nothing,” I said, turning my head up to the moon before looking back at her. “I just think you’re pretty, but you’d be prettier if you put on a little weight.”  
_WHAT DID I JUST SAY? DID THAT REALLY COME FROM MY MOUTH???_

Her face scrunched up and I could tell she was annoyed, but she just looked cute. “You know women have to be under 50 kilos just to audition for Super Girl, or basically any talent agency, right?” Her tone was disgusted and her hands on her hips. 

“Do you want to audition for _Super Girl_?” I asked, recalling her previous disappearing act at the mere suggestion of karaoke. I took a couple steps closer to her.

“No.”

I took a few more steps toward her. She didn’t move. “Then what are you worried about?” I asked in a low voice, leaning down so my face was closer to hers. 

“I’m not worried,” but her voice quivered just the slightest bit. 

“Great! Then you should come have noodles with me.” I turned and walked away cheerfully to see if she would follow me. 

“Now?” she raised her voice, shocked. All her reactions were perfect. 

“Yes, now.” I turned back to look at her. “You look hungry.”

“But, it’s almost one in the morning.” I looked her up and down one more time and remembered that she was just a freshman, probably seventeen, just arrived from some distant province, and unfamiliar with life in this city. 

“This is Shanghai,” I explained. “There’s always noodles.” I smiled and waited to see what she would do next. 

To my surprise she skipped to my side. “Are you buying?”

“Of course. I invited you. I will buy you noodles.” I offered her my arm, but she scrunched up her face and shook her head at me. I shrugged and just enjoyed her smile for a second before we set off in the direction of Changshu Road. She kept perfectly in step with me, although I could tell she was having to work at it, so I slowed down a little so her shorter legs wouldn’t have to work so hard, and I could drag out the seconds with her. We didn’t talk much on our walk. I didn’t ask her any questions because I wanted to see her face in front of me when she answered, but I was dying to know what she was thinking. 

When we got to my favorite noodle shop I nodded to Yezhan behind the counter and led her to my usual late night table in the corner. Coming here after a party was something of a ritual for me. It didn’t matter if I came with friends or by myself. I just liked the night; these late hours were some of the only ones I could stand not to have an audience, though one was always welcome. I also found that a good bowl of spicy noodles prevented me from feeling hungover the next day. 

“Where are you from?” I asked, speaking for the first time in a while. 

“Chengdu,” she said, as if it were obvious. 

My jaw dropped. “Two spicy noodles,” I yelled back to Yezhan. “I’m from Chengdu, too,” I dropped into the local dialect. 

“I know,” she followed suit. 

“Do you know everything?”

“About you, I know quite a lot,” she said confidently. 

I placed my hand over my heart, as if honored. “Have you been stalking me?”

“You wish,” she laughed again. “Although I have been following you for a while.” I cocked an eyebrow at her. “I saw you dance once in your father’s ballet school, when we were little.”

“Really? You’re a dancer too?” I scanned my memory for her in the dance company. 

“Not if your dad has anything to say about it.” Her laugh was a little different this time, laughing at herself rather than at me. “We went to the same secondary school, too,” she said.

“We did?” I was fully shocked now. How could I not have seen her before?

She waved away my private question. “I’m a few years younger than you, and you always had a harem of girls around you. It’s not surprising you didn’t notice me.”

“But you noticed me, right?” I teased with a wink. 

“You’re impossible not to notice,” she said, but immediately looked as if she hadn’t meant to. 

I leaned back in my seat and draped my arm over the back of the booth. “And then you followed me all the way to Shanghai?” I knew I was being over the top, but I liked that she complimented me.

She scoffed and looked disgusted. “Believe me, I’m not here for you.” She turned her head away and I felt instinctively that there was a lot more to her comment than insulting me.

Our noodles magically appeared in front of us, or at least I didn’t see them arrive because I was too busy watching her. I probably wouldn’t have realized they were there if she didn’t change her position. She looked at the bowl skeptically. 

“It’s good, I promise,” I told her as I grabbed chopsticks and handed her a set. She took them but I got the sense from her body language that it wasn’t the taste she was struggling with. Looking at her I felt sure she hadn’t eaten all day long--I was familiar with the type. Behind the skeptical look I could see a deep hunger within her. 

“Hey,” I said, drawing her eyes away. “Are you auditioning for _Super Girl_ tomorrow?”

“No,” she said, her eyebrows twitching. 

I shrugged. “Then just eat the noodles.”

She seemed to accept my logic. She sighed and dug in. There was something deeply pleasurable about watching her eat with such enthusiasm. “Oh my god, this is so good,” she moaned into her bowl with a mouthful of noodles, one still hanging out of her mouth. 

I couldn’t contain my dorkiest and most wholehearted laugh, which must have made her laugh in turn, until she started to choke on her noodles. My heart, and my laugh, stopped immediately as she started to cough. I poured her some water and gave it to her. She drank it gratefully. 

“Don’t you know not to make people laugh while they’re eating!” she cried when she could breathe again. 

“I didn’t do anything!” I held my hands in the air, innocent. 

“Why do you laugh like that?!” She was laughing again.

“Is it that bad?” I wondered, though I couldn’t be upset when I heard her. She nodded and took another drink of water. “I’ve never seen anyone eat like you,” I defended myself. She paused, her chopsticks half-raised to go at it again, but suddenly rethinking it. “I was kidding! Please eat, pease!” I pleaded. Her eyes narrowed as she slowly dipped her chopsticks in. “I just wanna watch,” I whispered, and we both lost it again. 

“Can I please finish?” she asked moments later, when we’d both settled down. I smiled and nodded and diligently turned my attention to my food for the moment. She finished before me, and had decided it was her turn to ask questions. 

“Is it true you turned down contracts your first and second years?” she wondered. 

I nodded, but all I could think was that she must have asked around about me. 

“Why?” She wasn’t the first one to wonder.

The talent agencies and various entertainment companies circled around Shanghai Theater Arts Academy like sharks waiting for fresh meat. Usually they snatched up freshmen to sign exploitative acting contracts that were beneficial to the company and took them away from their studies. 

I shrugged. “Most of them want actors, and that’s not my focus right now. And I want to finish school.”

That seemed to be the first thing I’d said to impress her. “You don’t want to act?”

I shook my head. “Not right now. I want to focus on ballet. I will be able to act until I’m old and have gray eyebrows that come down to here,” I gestured like I was stroking the eyebrows on the old sages in the dramas. “But dancing won’t be so easy a decade or more from now. I want to do that while I can.” She seemed to be listening intently, and waiting for me to go on. I stacked my empty bowl with hers and set them aside so I could put my arms on the table and lean toward her. “I wouldn’t mind being signed to a band or something in a year or two, as long as I get to dance. Singing is mostly just for fun.”

“You’re a good singer,” she complimented after taking in all I had said. It was just the segway I wanted. 

“You don’t like to sing?”

She shook her head. “I love to sing. Just as long as there’s no one listening.”

“Ah,” I responded. “And acting?”

“Not interested.”

“And you’re not a good dancer…” I was ticking them off on my fingers. 

“I never said I wasn’t good!” She feigned defensiveness. 

“I’m missing something. What are you doing here?” I couldn’t connect the dots. 

She shrugged. “I wake up with that question every single day.” I didn’t respond other than to raise an eyebrow to her again and waited for her to go on. She rolled her eyes, but not necessarily at me. “My dad used to work for a talent agency, scouting talent in Chengdu. He has spent my whole life trying to make me "the talent." When I was a baby he put me in advertisements. When I was big enough to walk, it was time for dance lessons. Singing and acting didn’t follow far behind. Since I was seven he has made me audition for every dance company, choir and theater production in Chengdu that he could manage to get me to.” She leaned back in her seat and sighed. “It never seemed to matter to him how much I hate it, or how I throw up before, or _during_ every performance. He can’t seem to give it up.”

I considered her words for a long moment. “It’s hard to carry the expectations of your parents,” I finally said. I couldn’t tell if that was the right response. 

“You’re obviously much better at it than I am.” Her tone was detached. 

“Why not just leave then?” I suggested with a wave of my hand toward the great over yonder. “You’re out in the world now. Go somewhere else.” I immediately wanted to shove the words back into my mouth. I knew already I never wanted her to go anywhere. 

“I’m enjoying myself right now,” she smiled. Did she mean being here with me _right now_? “I’ve never been able to have friends before, or talk to boys, or eat noodles at 1 am.” Her voice was lonely, and it didn’t match her expression. 

“Then stay!” I tried to sound cheery. “Hang out on your dad’s dime for as long as you can.”

“That’s the plan, until I can come up with another one.” She sounded optimistic if unsure about it. She made me think of a caged bird, desperate to escape, but still enjoying the view.

“Are you ready to go back?” she asked, interrupting my staring at her. I nodded and went to pay for our food while she waited on the sidewalk by the door. She was visibly shivering when I got to her, and this time, instead of asking, I removed my jacket and draped it over her shoulders. She looked as though she were going to protest, but thought better of it and stuck her arms in the sleeves. 

We walked back, quietly at first. I couldn’t stand the silence though and I started to sing “Hey There, Delilah,” which I heard playing from someone’s dorm room that afternoon. I didn’t know much American music and I didn't understand a lot of the words, but I liked the softness of that song. To my surprise she sang a little part of it with me. She had a pretty voice, but she was definitely hiding it. 

“So, if you don’t want to be a singer, dancer, or actor, what do you want to do?” I was walking backward in front of her just so I could see her face. She shrugged. “There must be something,” I urged. 

“You won’t believe me.”

“Tell me!” I demanded. 

“You’re gonna laugh at me,” she mumbled, although I didn’t really imagine her caring about being laughed at by me.

“I won’t.”

“I...I want to be a chef,” she said, looking down at her fingertips poking out the ends of my sleeves. 

I stopped dead and she ran into me. She looked up at me with the most innocent and confused expression. 

“What?”

“That must be really hard for you.” I didn’t realize I was holding her gently by the tops of her arms until I was already doing it. 

“What?” 

“Loving food, and not being able to eat it.” I honestly felt really bad for her. I couldn’t be sure what her dad had done to her to make her look like she did, but the way she looked at her food made so much more sense now than it did before. She took a step back from me, a new expression on her face, more unfathomable than any others I had seen yet. 

She started walking again and I had to do a little jog to stay by her side. “It’s not all about eating it,” her voice had an odd mixture of defensiveness and something I couldn’t quite classify. 

“What else is there then?” I pressed, anxious just to hear her speak and to continue deciphering her every pitch and expression. 

“There’s the aromas and textures. And feeding other people. Food is a basic necessity for all of us, a foundation of our civilization, but how many people in the world go hungry without adequate healthy food?” She looked up at me, beside her now, with wide, firey eyes, reflecting the light of the moon back like the sun.

“Yeah,” was all I managed to respond. I felt breathless. She had really turned up for the first time tonight. She actually felt something about _something_ , and not as a joke or a reaction. I could hear a passion in her voice that I hadn’t expected. But then nearly everything with her tonight had been a surprise. I found myself completely captivated by her presence, and I understood why there were always men around her. She was funny and a little aloof. She could see through you and everyone wanted to step up to be seen. But she wasn’t impressed, and she had no interest in impressing. I couldn’t understand why a girl with as much confidence as she had and as many opportunities as she did, was the only person at this whole school who would rather gauge her eye out with a dirty chopstick than perform. I felt sure I would never get to see her on stage, but I knew in my gut that if she ever let go of her fear and doubt, she would be an absolute sensation. I wasn’t surprised that her father refused to give up on her. And yet she was totally uninterested in either the action or the attention. The whole concept of her was foreign to me. It felt like it might take every day of my life to understand her, and I wanted to use them all. 

I could hardly speak anymore as I walked her back to the first-year girls’ dorm. And it was hard to make me speechless back then, as in love as I was with the sound of my own voice. I felt the familiar aching for attention, this time specifically from her. This was usually where I went off the deep end, and people started to realize how I was truly just a weird kid with too much energy and a bottomless need for eyes on me. Since I couldn’t think of anything to say, I simply danced ahead of her, drinking in the moonlight and playing her moon fairy. And to my delight, she laughed. Not at me, but just laughed happily. I could feel it, and it warmed me all over. I danced back to her and took her hand, making her spin with me. We moved gracefully through the deserted campus pathways, and I could see she was actually a good, if not naturally talented dancer. She landed on her butt as she spun away from me just in front of the door to her dorm. I rushed over to help her up, worried I had gone too far, but she was laughing still. I hoped she’d never stop. Breathlessly she picked herself up from the ground and slipped off my jacket. She walked behind me to slide it on my arms and over my shoulders. 

“Thanks for the noodles,” she said, standing in front of me again. “And the dance. And making me laugh.”

“Thank you,” I responded. 

“For what?” Her face scrunched again. 

“For everything.”

“Oh,” she looked down on the ground. “I’m sorry for running away from you earlier.” Her eyes were still on the ground and I couldn’t understand why. 

“Please, don’t apologize.” No matter what could have possibly happened if we’d stayed at the party, it couldn’t have been _more_ magical than the time I got to spend with her tonight. 

She just looked up and smiled, seeming as reluctant to go to bed as I was. “Okay.” Finally, not seeming to have anymore words she turned toward the door. 

“Meilin,” I said, wanting to see her face just one more time. “I’ll see you later.” Half question, half answer. 

She nodded. “Yeah.” And then in a second she was gone. 

I walked home filled to the brim with the joy of possibility. Who was this girl? And would she be there tomorrow? There was no way to know, but I couldn’t wait to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this look into their past! It was fun to explore. Let me know in the comments if you like the flashback or not. We will return to the "present" in the next chapter, but I have a few more key moments from the past in the works (including some hormonal teenage smut!) I'd be happy to explore it more, if you like. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	6. Skins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The upcoming drama mentioned in this chapter is not meant to refer to any actual drama past, present or future. I just happen to think Dilraba is pretty and would definitely be jealous is my super sexy actor boyfriend was going to be putting his lips in the same room as hers.

The work day went by slowly. It was so strange in a restaurant that I could only attribute it to my anticipation of seeing Yunxi later that night. I lost myself in thoughts of him many times, almost burning food twice. Things felt like they were progressing really fast. Not only was I in a relationship for the first time in years, but it was a secret and intense one. On the other hand, in many ways it felt just like picking up where we had left off, like flipping a switch and pretending there hadn’t been so much pain and longing and emptiness in between. But then, our connection had been established quickly the first time too. 

And, of course, there was Xuanxu and his questions.

“What are you so happy about?” he asked, looking at me through the metal shelves between us. I guess he noticed me smiling to myself like an idiot.

“I’m always happy,” I replied sarcastically. 

“Liar,” he muttered. “What was that with Luo Yunxi last night? He looked like he knew you.”

“Um, we were old school mates,” I said passively. 

“Here in Chengdu?” he pressed. 

“No,” I hedged. “In Shanghai Theater Arts Academy,” I admitted bashfully. 

“You went to acting school?” he asked in disbelief. I nodded. “You hate being in front of people,” he said, clearly confused. Of all the people at work, he probably knew me the best.

“Well, I dropped out,” I said, hoping he would drop it. 

“Well, that makes sense.” He sounded relieved. “But, why was he looking at you like that?” he wondered with his hand on his chin. He wasn’t really asking me directly, so I didn’t answer. 

“Order up,” I said loudly as I put a plate up on the shelf and gave him a stern look so he would take it out and leave me alone. He made an annoyed sound at the back of his throat and obeyed. 

Otherwise the day passed without any incident and by 10:30 I was alone in the building. I hurried through my closing tasks before grabbing the bag I had brought with me and going to the bathroom to freshen up and change. I changed into a dress that I knew was flattering on me. It was white and flowery and it buttoned down the front. I’d secretly always fantasized about someone taking it off of me, and tonight I figured what the hell. I couldn’t let go of the fear, though it was small, that as rapidly as this thing had come into my life it might prove to be ephemeral, and so I chose to take my opportunities as they came. I let down my hair and brushed through it quickly. I applied a little mascara and a pink lipstick. I looked in the mirror, feeling this was as good as it was going to get, so I left. I shut off all the lights on my way to the kitchen, hating that familiar eerie feeling of being here all alone. I grabbed a warm bag I had filled with food for us and then I was out the door. 

As promised, Mr. Wang was outside waiting for me, but no Yunxi. He opened the door for me silently and soon we were off. Yunxi’s building wasn’t very far away from the restaurant, both being more or less in the center of downtown. We pulled into an underground garage and Mr. Wang parked the car. He led me to the elevator and hit the button for the top floor using a special key card, still completely silent. I hadn’t actually thought at all about how much Yunxi must have made in his career, but a penthouse apartment was somehow more than I expected. The elevator opened on the top floor to a small lounge and Mr. Wang walked me to the door. He unlocked it and pushed it open, gesturing for me to go inside. 

Yunxi had been waiting near the door and he took my hand immediately. “Thank you, Mr. Wang,” he said coolly. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, sir,” Wang said and closed the door behind him. 

I looked around in awe at the lavish apartment. I sucked air in through my teeth. “It’s a bit extravagant, isn’t it?” I said, taking in the high ceilings and marble floors.

“A bit,” Yunxi agreed with a smile. He held out my hand and spun me around, watching my dress twirl around me before he pulled me in close. “You look lovely. Is this for me?” he whispered in my ear. 

“Of course,” I smiled back and kissed him innocently. “So is this,” I told him, holding up the bag of food I brought. “I hope you're hungry.”

“I’m starving.” He rubbed his hands together in anticipation. He had already set water glasses, bowls and chopsticks out on the table. 

“Do you have any wine?” I asked as I unpacked the food. 

“I won’t be drinking tonight, but I have some if you would like,” he said, turning to the kitchen. 

“That’s okay. Water will be fine. Why though?” I wondered as I sat down. 

“I am doing a promotion for skincare products tomorrow, so I’d better look my best,” he said, sitting next to me. 

“Oh,” I replied, feeling a little bad. “You didn’t have to wait up for me. I’m sure you need your beauty rest.”

“You don’t think I can look beautiful if I’m tired?” he asked, daring me. 

“I didn’t mean that. I just don’t want you to have a hard time because of me. We could have seen each other tomorrow.” I filled his bowl with rice. 

“But I wanted to see you tonight. Even if we just eat and sleep,” he assured me. I looked sadly at the table. “What’s wrong?” he asked. 

“You promised we’d do something else,” I reminded him. 

“Oh!” he said, surprised. “Oh, yeah, we’ll do that, too,” he grinned. “Come on, let’s eat.”

I perked up. “Here eat this,” I told him, piling things into his bowl. “I think you’ll like this.”

He didn't hesitate to dig in. “Did you bring the whole restaurant?” he asked in amazement at the feast before him. 

“It’s all part of my plan to put meat on your bones,” I replied, sounding like his mother. 

“Hey! I have meat on my bones.” He lifted up the sleeve of his white t-shirt to show me his muscle. 

“Oh, wow,” I said, squeezing his bicep. “Yes, you do. I guess I’ll just try to fatten you up then.”

"I have gym in here,” he bragged. “You’re welcome to use it anytime you like.”

“Are you calling me fat?” I asked with narrow eyes. 

“You know that’s not what I meant,” he laughed a little. 

"What's funny?"

"I'm just thinking about role reversal." 

There was still plenty of food left over when he leaned back in his chair and rubbed his belly. 

“What was your favorite?” I asked contently. 

He moaned with pleasure. “Kung pao chicken.” I smiled, filing that away for later. “Thank you,” he said, happily taking my hand. "I'm so glad you were able to fulfill your dream of becoming a chef. It was definitely the right call."

I beamed at him. “Show me around?” I asked, anxious to see the rest of the apartment. 

He took me from the expansive dining room/living room to the kitchen. It was twice the size of mine at home, with wide granite countertops, a large range stove and a massive refrigerator I suspected was mostly empty. 

“Can you even cook?” I wondered as I opened random drawers to find all kinds of utensils. 

“I can, but I’m sure you’ll make better use of it than I could,” he admitted. 

Next, he took me down the hall where there was a surprisingly messy office and two guest bedrooms and baths. All were spacious, but looked like they were little used. The whole apartment was filled with the smell of a sterile clean.

He led me back to the living room and out onto the terrace that overlooked the city. I had always been very pleased with the view I had of Chengdu from my apartment, but it was nothing compared to this. I had never seen this much of the city before. It was impressive, even with the smog. The terrace was large, with several lounge chairs and couches. It would be a perfect place for a party. I stared up at the moon, half full and waning, while Yunxi wrapped his arms around me. “I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispered in my ear.

“Mm, me too,” I hummed, feeling complete. “How long have you had this place?” I wondered. 

“Almost a year. I got it so I would come back to Chengdu more, and take more time off work to enjoy it. I’m still working on that,” he confessed. 

“How long are you here this time?” I asked, though I didn’t really want to think about him leaving. 

“I have three weeks before we start filming in Hengdian.” His arms tightened around me. 

I was still staring at the moon and wondered aloud, “Will you be here for Mid Autumn Festival?”

“I’ll leave the day after,” he said. 

I smiled. “We can spend it together, then. I’ll make mooncakes, and all your favorite dishes.” I felt captivated by the idea of spending the holiday with him once again. 

“It will be special as long as you’re here.” He squeezed me again. “Come on. There’s still one room to show you.”

He led me back inside and into the master bedroom. With the bathroom it was probably the size of my whole apartment. I eyed the California king size bed. “What do you need such a big bed for?” I asked, accusingly. 

“It’s a bed for a king,” he said arrogantly. He laughed at my expression. “Actually, the room just looks weird with anything smaller.”

I climbed onto the bed and crawled to the very center, but instead of spreading out I curled my knees to my chest and became a ball. “So, this is where the magic happens,” I said.

He looked at me seductively as he came slowly to the bed. He grabbed my hand and pulled me gently to the edge, where I knelt so we could be eye to eye. I wrapped my arms around his neck while his encircled my waist, and he kissed me deeply. After a moment he pulled his lips away and rested his forehead against mine. 

“What are you thinking about?” I wondered. 

“I’m still just in disbelief that you’re here. After all these years, it’s hard to believe I’ve actually found you. I can’t help but wonder if you’ll fly away, if you’re even real.” Both his tone and expression revealed a mixture of deep joy and sorrow. 

I felt a pang of guilt for his worries. I placed both my hands firmly on his face and looked him straight in the eyes. “I’m real. I promise. I’m not going to disappear again.”

“Not if I just lock you up in this room,” he threatened playfully. 

“If you’re going to do that, then you’d better keep me entertained,” I warned him. I inched away from him, sliding my hands from his face, across his shoulders and down his arms until he grasped my fingertips and followed me. I lay back on the bed and he placed himself on top of me. His weight felt comfortable. 

“How shall I entertain you then?” he asked as his finger tip wandered from the tip of my chin across my jaw, down my neck and chest until he arrived at the top button of my dress. 

Technically speaking, the dress did not need to be unbuttoned in order to remove it, but he enjoyed the long process of undoing each one and placing a kiss on each inch of skin as he revealed it. I was enjoying it, too. When the dress was fully opened his hands glided up my thigh to grab my ass and he met my eyes with that insanely sexy intensity of his. I threw my weight over and straddled his hips. I could feel his hardened cock line up with my pussy through the layers of clothes that separated them. I grinded gently on the spot and let my dress slide down my arms before discarding it onto the floor. He closed his eyes and moaned as I continued to rub myself on him. I slid my hand under his shirt and could feel his firm ab muscles, rock solid under his smooth skin. Before I could get lost in it I unbuckled his belt and whipped it through the belt loops, tossing it to the side to keep my dress company. He opened his eyes to look up at me as I removed my lacy white bra. Swiftly, he was on top of me again. He kissed my neck and my chest and grabbed helplessly at any fleshy part his hand could find. 

“I haven’t done this in so long,” he admitted breathlessly against my skin. 

“You can do whatever you want with me,” I told him. I hadn’t done it for a long time either. But sex was never a problem for us from the very beginning. It was one area where we communicated almost perfectly. 

“I can’t wait anymore,” he said desperately, looking me in the eyes. 

“Then what are you waiting for?”

He ripped his shirt over his head while I unbuttoned his pants and we both frantically removed any last layer of clothing. I wanted to feel every inch of his skin on every inch of mine. Before any more thoughts could crop up he was inside of me, and there was no more thinking. Just two wild animal bodies doing what came naturally to them. We both moaned with pleasure at every touch and movement. He looked deeply into my eyes until he collapsed in a heaping mass on top of me.

I ran my fingers through his hair as I held his head tight to my breast and we both caught our breaths. Neither of us moved for a long moment and he sank heavier on top of me, but I didn’t mind at all. I had all of him, his whole body and soul in my hands, and to my surprise I loved the weight of it. When he tried to move I resisted, not willing to give up a bit of him. He laughed, but overpowered me, wanting to switch positions so he could be the one to hold me. 

“Still real,” I whispered in his ear as I draped my leg over him and hooked him between my legs. 

“I’m still not sure you aren’t just my fantasy,” he said, but he sounded happy, if tired now. 

I shivered as my warm body clashed with the cooler air of the room and the sweatiness of our flesh became clammy. Goosebumps rose on my skin underneath his fingertips, so he shimmied the silky comforter from under us to cover us both. With no need for words between us we lay still for several silent minutes until I began to feel sleepy. Eventually he let out a small groan of displeasure. I opened my eyes to look up at him. 

“I hate to move from this heavenly spot, but I should wash my face and get ready for bed, since I have to look my best tomorrow…” his eyes glanced away. “It might take a little while,” he admitted. 

Sensing he had an elaborate skin care routine to practice I asked, “can I watch?” I was both curious and teasing, sure he was more high maintenance than I was. 

He hesitated for a second, but smiled and nodded. We got out of bed and I was going to go to the living room to get the bag I brought to put on my pajamas. He danced gracefully across the room and put his arm across the door to stop me. “Where do you think you’re going?” he asked, staring down at me. 

“To get my clothes to sleep in,” I said, feeling like a kid being interrogated. 

He looked around and scooped up my panties and his white t-shirt. He pushed them into my arms. “You sleep in these,” he said in that domineering tone that I was always surprised I loved. 

“What about my toothbrush?” I asked while he found his boxers and slipped them on.

“I have one for you to keep here,” he said. Then without another word he grabbed my wrist and pulled me, still naked into the master bathroom. It was positively massive, with a huge tub that could probably fit four people and a large shower with glass doors. Dirty thoughts abounded. The toilet area was separated by a door and I felt thankful for that. I excused myself while he brushed his teeth and reemerged dressed as he had ordered. He handed me my toothbrush wordlessly as he switched places with me. The counter space of the bathroom was extensive as well. The his and hers sinks were about a mile apart. I found myself wondering if he had someone clean for him, because the place was immaculate. He had already started to fill the counter space with various expensive skincare products and I read the labels while I brushed. I was rinsing as he came out and smacked my ass, causing me to spit and causing him to laugh in turn. 

“Are you ready?” he asked. 

“Ready for what?” I wondered. 

“For my skincare routine,” he said. “Here.” He took my hand and squirted some cleanser into my palm. “Wash your face,” he instructed and I did as I was told. He handed me the softest towel I had ever felt and I patted myself dry. 

“What’s next?” I asked. 

He smiled wide. “I don’t always do this, but since I have a big day tomorrow, we’ll use this mask.” He presented it to me, showing me the bottle like a TV host. He was positively bubbly. He loved performing for a captive audience. He patted the countertop, implying I should sit. I let out a small giggle as I hopped up. He squeezed a dollop into his hand and gently applied it to my face before doing so to his own. “We’ll let this sit for a couple of minutes.” He washed and dried his hands before coming to stand between my legs. He looked down at my chest and noticed how the tight, thin t-shirt hinted at my nipples, especially since the cold stone countertop had caused them to harden slightly. I crossed my arms across my chest and he frowned. 

“You haven’t told me about your upcoming drama,” I said in an attempt to change the topic. 

He was willing to go along. “It’s a wuxia drama this time,” he said. 

“Oh, my favorite,” I smiled. “Who is the female lead?” Let’s be honest that’s what I really wanted to know, since I was already assuming he was the male lead. 

“It’s Dilraba.” 

My face fell. “Dilraba?” I pouted. 

“What’s wrong with Dilraba?” he asked. 

“She’s so pretty!” I exclaimed, throwing my hands in the air. 

“She is. But lots of people are pretty,” he shrugged. 

“But you’ll be kissing her!” I pouted harder. 

He laughed. “Are you jealous?”

“Of course I am!”

“Of her or me?” He was clearly enjoying this. 

“I-I...BOTH!” 

He laughed loudly this time. “Have you ever seen TV kissing?” he wondered. I didn’t answer but looked away. Why were there tears in my eyes? Stupid. “I swear it is the least romantic thing two people could do while touching,” he tried to assure me, but I refused to look at him. “Come. Wash the mask off and I’ll show you.” He pulled me off the counter and I did as he said, if only to be able to wipe away the ridiculous tears before he could see them. After I washed it off, he used a warm washcloth to wipe away any spots I’d missed. He put his hand under my chin to examine me and check twice. Satisfied he patted my face dry and then cleared his throat. He grabbed me by the shoulder and stood me square in front of him. “Now,” he said. “It’s absolutely crucial that you don’t move a muscle.” Very slowly, with his eyes on mine he moved his face toward mine. “Don’t close your eyes,” he directed when I started to instinctively. “You have to maintain eye contact the whole time.” His hands barely touched my shoulders. He continued with his move and eventually placed his lips just against mine. Then he left them there for a long time. I didn’t count but it was maybe twenty seconds. Half way through I tried to move away but he just grunted an “uh uh” at me and held on to me to make me stay. Finally he let go. “See? Wasn’t that thrilling?” he asked sarcastically. 

“It’s still your lips on hers,” I grumbled, crossing my arms. 

“Yes, and the whole time we are both trying not to laugh at how completely horrible it is. It’s nothing compared to this,” he said as he grabbed the back of my head in one hand and my waist in the other, dipping me slightly so I was under his control. His tongue grazed my lips, begging permission to enter, which I gave. I could feel his face, not just his lips against me. He kissed my passionately, for as long as he had before. Then he lifted me up and released me. I leaned against the counter, feeling dizzy. “What do you think now?” he asked. 

“I think I’m glad you're not an actor in Hollywood,” I said, wiping the corner of my mouth. He laughed even louder.

“So, you see. It’s nothing to worry about. Shooting those scenes kills the mood more than it livens things up,” he promised. I climbed onto the counter again and I tried to be satisfied with his explanation. He doused a cotton ball in toner and then gently pressed it all over my skin. “And by the way,” he said softly. “You are at least as pretty as Dilraba.”

I rolled my eyes while he treated his own face. “You have to say that, since I’m your girlfriend.” 

He shrugged. “I mean it. But that doesn’t mean I’m not biased.” He winked at me. He continued to apply various products to both our faces. I could have done it myself, but he didn’t tell me to and I figured he was enjoying the control as much as I was enjoying his small touches. “Don’t you feel nice now?” he asked, stroking my nose with his forefinger. 

“I like being pampered by you,” I admitted. “You really do this every night?”

“Self care is important.” He turned around and wrapped my legs around his torso so he could carry me on his back. I complied and flicked off the light switch on the way out. He dropped me on the bed and then turned around to kiss my forehead. “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere,” he ordered with a finger in my face. He danced off into the hallway and I crawled under the covers. I found the contradiction of his gentle and domineering natures to be so wonderfully irresistible. It was such a joy to rediscover him. He hadn't changed that much, with his cheerful, warm and energetic nature still guiding him. I marveled at his every move and could never wait to see or hear what he was going to do next. For tonight it seemed we would just sleep, but even that didn’t come about without a soft song sung lowly in my ear in the vast darkness of his bedroom. It was easy to get lost in his voice and fall asleep in his arms.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We go back to the future in this flashback to Yunxi and Meilin's first date. I hope you aren't lactose intolerant, because there's a whole lot of cheese up in here.

Yunxi, 2007

I wasn’t typically the kind to chase after a girl, even if I liked her. I usually played things cool and waited for her to come to me. But Meilin was an inherently atypical girl, and I was anxious that if I didn’t try to make her mine right away, someone else would. And I had never liked anyone as much as I liked her. I went back to her dorm the next day to see her, and after asking around, I was told she had gone to the vocal training hall to practice. I thought it was an odd past time for her, especially on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Maybe it was just an excuse to get away from people. In any case, I went to where they said she would be first, determined to find her. To my surprise, she was really there, hidden away in a small practice room in the most remote part of the building. I had followed her voice down the hall, and wouldn’t have found her otherwise. She could really sing, and I understood that only on a Sunday afternoon, when absolutely no one else would want to be there, could she allow herself to come here and completely express herself. I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt her and instead sat outside in the hallway, leaning against the wall and letting her voice wash over me. I was feeling oddly light when she found me, so lost in thinking of her that I hadn’t realized she was finished. 

When she saw me she stopped in her tracks and stared at me with wide eyes. “How long have you been there?” 

“A loooong time,” I dragged out the words, exaggerating. It had been maybe ten minutes. She looked absolutely mortified. “You have an amazing voice,” I complimented, hoping it would make her feel better, but it was also just true.

She turned bright red and started to walk away from me. 

“Eh!” I yelled and went after her. “Where are you going?”

“Hopefully into the center of the earth,” she said dryly. 

“I meant it. You’re really great.” She rolled her eyes at me. “There’s just something I don’t understand.”

For some reason that made her stop. Maybe I’d piqued her curiosity. “What?” she sounded _very_ annoyed. 

“If you don’t want to be a singer, and you don’t want to be here, why practice?”

She stared at me for a minute and fidgeted. In the end she said nothing and started walking again. 

I ran ahead of her and put my arm out before she could exit the building. 

“I don’t have an answer for you,” she said gruffly. 

I shook my head. “I think you have too many answers for me,” I said. She looked at me with wide surprised eyes again. I felt happy that I shocked her as much as she did me. “I want to hear all of them,” I smiled. 

She huffed. “I love to sing,” she admitted. “Like, really love it. It just feels good. But I cannot stand for other people to hear me. So I come here when no one else wants to so I can just let it out.”

“What else?” I asked, not letting her off easy. 

“Nothing else.”

“What else?” I narrowed my eyes on her. “Why do you practice when you don’t want to perform?”

“How do you do that?” she wondered. 

“What?”

“You see right through me and read my mind. I don’t get it!” her frustration was clear. 

“I don’t know either. I don’t always. But it’s fun when I’m right.” I was definitely pleased with myself and somehow satisfied that she was so flustered. 

“Ugh!” she was really mad now. 

“Come on! Just say it,” I urged. She was making it fun for me.

“Fine,” she sighed. “Even though I don’t want to do it, I’ll still have to. There’s no excuse for putting in a poor performance. So if I don’t want to embarrass my dad, I’ll have to rely on muscle memory when my brain shuts off. So I have to practice.”

I nodded, wondering again what he father did to make her like this. My dad had certainly pushed me to dance as a kid, but I’d always felt he was only nurturing what was already natural in me. I mean, I don’t know if I was born to be a dancer, but I would do anything to get on the stage, so it made sense for him to do that. I couldn’t imagine what it was like to have a father who disregarded what I wanted so entirely. I could tell I had agitated her with the subject, so I opted for a change. “What about your mom?” I asked, taking her by surprise yet again. 

“Why are you asking about my mom?” she seemed totally lost. 

“You brought up your dad, so I was just curious…”

She looked away. “I did?” She hadn’t even realized it. I suddenly felt very awkward and sorry for bringing it up. “Anyway, my mom is gone.”

It was my turn to want to fall into the center of the earth. I was immediately reminded how fortunate I was to grow up in a happy family with loving parents. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” was all I could say. 

“She’s not gone, gone. She’s in California. She left when I was seven and I haven’t seen her since. Sometimes she’ll call on my birthday, or send me an email. I don’t really know her though.” She shrugged and shoved her hands into the depths of her pockets. She walked out the door, and I didn’t want to stop her anymore. I still didn’t want her to go away though, so I walked after her. 

“If you’re going to follow me you could at least come up here and talk to me about something else,” she said over her shoulder, without stopping. 

I jogged up to her side, happy to oblige and smiling in spite of myself. “What else do you like to do, besides sing?”

“Mmm, I like to read, and cook when I can. I’d really like to travel and experience everything.” Her voice changed dramatically, speaking from somewhere off in the future, far away from me. I could sense that it would turn out just like that, even though I ached at the thought. “I really want to learn to drive, so I could just get in the car and go wherever I want.” Her eyes were alight again. “I heard that in America, teenagers get cars when they’re sixteen. I wonder what that kind of freedom feels like.” I smiled down at her while she dreamed. “I just want to experience something new. If I could wake up every day and make it new, I think I’d be happy all the time.” 

“Well, what are your plans for this afternoon?” She just shook her head. “Have you seen much of Shanghai?” Another shake. “Let me show you around a little. And tonight we can meet up with some friends for hot pot?” I suggested. I couldn’t tell if she was more excited about the food or the experience, but she smiled bigger than I’d ever seen and agreed. I smiled back, just as wide, since I’d managed to book her up for the whole evening. 

“Let me go change first?” she asked, looking down at her sweatshirt and jeans. She looked fine, but I probably would have thought that no matter what. 

“If you must,” I said, looking her up and down, just to see her reaction. She knitted her eyebrows together and rolled her eyes at me again before quickening her pace in the direction of the girls dorm. I waited outside the building while she changed, wracking my brain for where to take her and feeling relieved when she emerged wearing tight, ripped black jeans, an old, tie-dyed Grateful Dead t-shirt with a denim jacket and converse.

“Where are we going?” she asked as she bounced out the door, clearly full of excitement. 

“I thought we’d go to the botanical gardens. The plants are beautiful and there are some interesting buildings there. Are you up for some walking?” 

She nodded. “I’m up for anything,” she smiled, and she looked as if she meant it. 

We used our student IDs to get on the bus and she went straight to the back and sat by the window. It was fairly empty, so I decided to sit away from her so I could watch her. She didn’t even notice I wasn’t with her as she looked at the city pass by out the window. I didn’t know why I found it so enjoyable just to watch her experience the world. It was like watching a child. This was surely not her first time on a bus, and Shanghai was bigger than Chengdu, but honestly what’s a few million more people, so I couldn’t really comprehend her wonder. But there it was, clear in her eyes, not as if she was seeing it for the first time, but as if it were different from what she had expected or better that she had no expectations at all and everything exceeded their absence. I wanted to do everything with her, just so I could watch her experience it. At one point she tore herself away from the world outside to catch me looking at her, and I had to pretend to be looking at something else. She waved and beckoned me over. What could I do but go to her side?

“Why are you staring at me?” she asked quietly when I sat beside her. 

I fidgeted awkwardly and cleared my throat. “I...I just think you look really pretty,” I tried to say smoothly because I love the way you look at the world just sounded either too cheesy or too intense.

I expected her to roll her eyes at me yet again, but instead she just smiled shyly and tucked her hair behind her ear, which was probably the most normal girl thing she had ever done. So maybe she was susceptible to flattery. 

We got into the garden free with our student IDs, too, which was another great reason for this date spot. As expected, her eyes lit up as she took in all the colors and smells that made up the huge gardens. She grabbed a pamphlet from the welcome center and walked off with her nose in it for several minutes, completely ignoring me. I can admit now that I found it mildly (greatly) irritating. I trailed behind her until we entered the large greenhouse. 

I cleared my throat. “These are japanese spring roses,” I told her, looking at what I knew were tulips, completely confident in my bullshit. 

She looked up at me and narrowed her eyes. “You’re so full of shit,” she laughed, and I laughed with her. She closed her pamphlet and folded it up in her back pocket. “Okay,” she gestured with her hand, “proceed.” When she said she was up for anything it looked like my botanical bullshit tour was included. 

She let me lead her around, telling her ridiculous fake names for all the plants that surrounded us. She giggled happily and looked natural among the flowers, a true sprite, reflecting all their colors. She smiled at all of them and called them by their new names.

"Where do you want to travel?" I asked her as we walked from the greenhouse through a grove of plum and peach trees.

"Everywhere," she said with her wide smile. I waited for her to think about it more carefully. "I'd like to go to America. They have everything there. My mom told me when I was little about how she would travel the whole country following her favorite band. It sounded wonderful. Mmm, then I'd probably go to Peru and see Machu Picchu. Go see all the animals in Africa." She let her mind drift far away again and slowly went quiet. "Have you traveled much?" She asked, suddenly returning to the moment we were sharing.

"Not much, just Beijing and Hong Kong. I hope I'll get to travel when I'm working." I thought I'd go to anywhere she was.

"I'm sure you will when you're very successful."

"You think I'll be successful?" 

"Definitely." 

"Why?" I appreciated her certainty, but I wanted to hear her talk about me.

She started counting the reasons on her fingers. "You're a great dancer and singer. I'm sure you're a good actor. You'll do anything for the attention." I was shocked by her honest and accurate assessment of my character, but it didn't sound like a criticism. "Plus, just look at you," she concluded.

"What?" I asked, looking down at myself. "Do you think I'm good looking?" I winked at her. 

"You know you are."

"I wasn't asking about what I know," I said, trying to get her to admit her thoughts. 

"Ugh. Yes, I think you're good looking."

I smiled, basking in her admiration.

"Wow. You're so vain. I've never seen anyone as vain as you."

"You go to a performing arts school. You'll get used to it," I laughed.

She shrugged. "Okay. Fair enough."

We continued our walk for a while, talking about random music and movies we liked and stopping to admire different plants, until we ended up at the bamboo forest, the last stop. 

"This is probably my favorite part," I told her as we walked between the looming trees. Although there were many people in the garden that day, we had somehow ended up here alone. 

"Look," she pointed out a small blue flower that had grown up all on its own. The lone independent flower in an institution of carefully maintained horticulture. 

I crouched down to pick it, planning to put it in her hair, tucked behind her ear.

"No!" She cried, and I stopped. "It's just doing its own thing. If you pluck it, it will die. Its freedom is what makes it beautiful."

I could see her point, and marvelled again at her talent for seeing the beauty around her. "You're right," I said, coming back to stand in front of her. She was an awful lot like that flower, I thought, but I didn't think I was going to be able to resist picking her. I knew then that I loved her. We stood there for a moment, our eyes locked, and I wanted very badly to kiss her. Before I knew what was happening, she reached up on her toes to press her lips to mine. It was tender, and fairly innocent, and over way too soon. She left me completely stunned, and she looked equally surprised herself. 

"I'm sorry!" she squealed, and turned to run away.

I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back to me. "Don't apologize," I whispered in her ear before I took her face in my hand and pressed my lips to hers once more, harder than before but still feeling all the tenderness of love without lust. It was a kiss that I hope said, _Please don’t run away. Stay and I will protect you._

When I pulled away she had a serene smile on her face and she laughed lightly, I think at life. She swooned a little, but I caught her, and she laughed more. It was infectious. I was pretty pleased with my romantic abilities and even happier that she was in my arms. I thought for a moment that maybe she was just hungry. After all, we had been walking and talking for several hours and she probably hadn't eaten since our late night noodles adventure. I suddenly remembered we had dinner plans. "Come on, let's go eat," I said, putting her upright and draping my arms around her shoulders. She responded by putting her arm around my waist, and without any need to talk it out or define our feelings we had become a couple, two people bound by mutual respect and admiration.

She let me hold her hand while we rode the bus back toward campus and I told her about my friends Zhancheng and Leying. We got off a few stops before campus so we could walk to the hot pot restaurant. On the way she peeked excitedly at all the little shops along the way. At some point I was talking and didn't realize I'd lost her. I looked all around but I couldn't see her anywhere on the street. Just when I was about to panic I noticed there was an open air food market down the intersecting street we had just passed. I turned back and quickly found her smelling jars full of herbs at an old man's stall, a familiar smile on her face.

"I thought I'd lost you," I smiled at her when she finally noticed me.

"Oops. I got distracted," she said, grinding her toe into the ground.

"That's okay," I assured her. "Is there anything you want, or need?"

She shook her head shyly. "I just wanted to smell everything." She took my hand so we could get back on our way.

When we got to the restaurant the guys were already there, arguing over what to order. Zhancheng saw us first and hit Leying in the arm to get his attention and point to us. I felt gratified by their stunned expressions. Whether they were stunned by her or our closeness, I'd never be sure. In the last couple of years I hadn’t dated very much, and it usually never got to the point of public displays of affection like holding hands, so this was a new sight for them. Meilin noticed how they stared at us and she began to release her hand from mine, but I squeezed it tighter, not wanting the boys to see her pulling away from me. “Relax,” I whispered to her and led her to the table, letting my hand fall away from hers naturally. 

“Zhancheng, Leying, this is Meilin,” I introduced them as we sat down in the booth. “You guys aren’t trying to cop out on getting the Sichuan broth are you?”

“Ah, come on, Yunxi! It’s always gotta be so hot with you! Meilin, help me out,” Leying begged. 

I smiled at her, knowing she would be on my side. She smiled at him, “Sorry, gege, I’m with him on this one.”

“Look,” he said quietly to her, “Just because you’re dating doesn’t mean you have to give him what he wants. He doesn’t always need to have his way.”

“Give it up,” I advised him. “She’s from Chengdu, too. And we like it hot,” I pulled her close to my side and wiggled my eyebrows. 

“Fine!” he resigned and marked it down on our card. Leying always had to control the hot pot order, which was okay because other than his aversion to the highest level of spice he had pretty good taste. To my surprise he invited Meilin to collaborate on the order, and I enjoyed watching her interact with my friends. She wasn’t as shy as I thought she would be. She was funny and animated. She lit up the whole room with her witty banter and her musical laugh. 

Just after our order came Qingyi showed up, greatly to my surprise. Zhancheng must have invited her, but instead of sitting over by him, she decided to sit by me. 

“Scoot over,” she said, barging into our side of the booth before even greeting anyone. Naturally, we moved over without thinking about it, so that Meilin was against the wall, and I was between them. Everyone stared at Qingyi, annoyed, though not surprised by her lack of etiquette. She was the resident mean girl that you couldn’t get rid of. She said whatever was on her mind and never cared who she offended. 

“What?” she said when we wouldn’t stop looking at her. Everyone looked away quickly. She looked around me to see who was at my side. “Who brought the freshman?” she scoffed. “Why isn’t there any liquor on this table?” She waved at the waiter to bring us drinks. 

“We have class tomorrow,” Leying reminded her. 

“So, what? Freshman doesn’t care, right?” she looked around me again. 

“Her name is Meilin,” I interjected. 

“Meilin, are you worried about class tomorrow?” Qingyi asked as the waiter arrived with a bottle of liquor and cups for the five of us. 

“Nope,” Meilin responded with a smile. 

“Great!”’ Qingyi said, filling a cup for Meilin and passing it to her. “Here’s to the ladies,” Qingyi toasted and they both threw back their cups. “You guys aren’t going to join us?” She began pouring another round. I looked at Meilin, surprised. The boys agreed to join in, but I put my hand over my cup. 

“No, thanks,” I told her, looking at Meilin. I reached out to stop her from taking the next drink, but she flashed me a dismissive look and took the round with them anyway. When she put her cup down I turned it over and gave her a look that was probably harsher than I meant. 

“I don’t think we ordered enough food for you, Qingyi,” I said. 

“That’s okay, Meilin doesn’t need to eat much anyway. Right, Meimei?”

I was about to say something, but Meilin put her hand on mine under the table and shook her head very slightly, her eyes downcast. 

We started to eat, but Meilin’s attitude had changed. I couldn’t tell if it was Qingyi’s comments, the alcohol or just the addition of another person that made her retreat, but she seemed to physically shrink into the corner. She hardly said a word for the rest of the meal and ate very little. 

The walk home was mostly silent, and I felt sad about the turn our evening had taken, but at least she still let me hold her hand while we walked. 

“I’m really sorry about dinner. That’s not how I wanted our evening to go. I didn’t know Qingyi would be there,” I told her, rubbing her knuckle with my thumb. 

“It’s fine,” she said, trying to not sound bothered. 

“Don’t let her bully you, okay? She walks around here like she’s god’s gift to man, but you don’t have to do what she wants.”

Meilin gave me an odd look. “I didn’t drink because she pressured me to. I did it because I wanted to. You’re the one who has a problem with it,” she said acerbically. 

I moved closer to her and brushed her hair off her face. “You shouldn’t drink too much. You’re so small, and you’re still young.”

She pushed me away gently. “Don’t tell me what to do. You don’t make decisions for me.”

My jaw fell open. We were already having our first fight. “I’m just worried about you,” I explained. Couldn’t she see that?

“No need. I’ll do what I want. It’s not your problem.” She turned away like she was going to go inside. 

I pulled her back to me. “Don’t be mad,” I whispered, wanting to kiss her again. She wouldn’t give me a chance. “Can I see you tomorrow?” I called after her. 

“Fine!” she said from the door. 

When I’d thought it over for a long time I realized I had made a mistake in trying to control her, even if I thought I had the best of intentions. Letting her do what she wanted was one of the first lessons I learned about loving her, and the most important one I swore to myself to remember if I ever got the chance to love her again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things might be easier if they were just a normal couple, but then it wouldn't be so special.

In the morning we woke up to an alarm beeping eight o'clock. I was usually a very restless sleeper, but I had somehow managed to remain the whole night in his arms, with my head on his chest. I groaned and turned away from the light pouring into the room from the wall of windows. I rolled toward the other side of the bed and hid under the covers. Yunxi went to the other side to turn off the alarm before he came in after me. He wrapped both arms around me from behind and squeezed me tight. "Good morning," he whispered in my ear.

I just smiled and hummed. "I don't ever want to leave this bed," I murmured with my eyes still closed.

"I'd be fine with that," he said, and I could hear him smiling. 

Seeing his face was the only thing that made me want to open my eyes. I turned around slowly to look at him. He stared expectantly with tender eyes, waiting to see what I would do or say. I realized this was the first time in over a decade we had woken up in bed together. Surrounded by the soft light diffused through the comforter he truly looked like a fairy prince, and I felt like his fairy princess. I moved my face close to his, but instead of kissing him I rubbed my cheek gently against his own. I hummed. "Yep. Perfect." I whispered. 

He erupted with laughter. That sound was as much music to my ears as the song he sang me to sleep with. It sounded so sweet I was almost sad when it was over, but then he kissed me sweetly and I could hardly be upset.

"I want to wake up with you like this every day of my life," he confessed. His words were sweet, but we both knew that was a wish that wouldn’t come true and it made me briefly very sad. I said nothing and buried myself in him. He let me lay in his arms for a few minutes more before he finally said, “I should take a shower and get ready to go.”

“Okay,” I replied sleepily. 

“Mmm, you could shower with me,” he suggested, nibbling on my ear. 

I pulled away. “Sounds like you need a shower for your dirty mind,” I told him, tapping his forehead with my index finger, but I couldn’t hide the excitement in my voice. 

He threw off the comforter. When I didn’t move he picked me up and carried me to the bathroom. We brushed our teeth while he got towels out of a linen cabinet and turned on the shower. While I was rinsing my mouth he came up behind me, naked, and trapped me with his palms down on the counter on either side of me. He kissed my shoulder while looking at me in the mirror; his eyes were smoldering.   
“I wonder what you look like in a wet t-shirt,” he said quietly. Before I knew it he dropped my panties to the cool tile floor, spun me around and picked me up by my thighs again. He was able to move so fast when he was determined to do something. I wrapped my legs around him and let him carry me into the shower. He let the hot water fall on me, streaming over my head, down my neck and on his t-shirt. “Is it too hot?” he asked, never forgetting to be considerate. I shook my head. When he was satisfied that my shirt was wet enough he turned ninety degrees so I was out of the water and he could push me against the wall. I could do nothing. I found myself utterly captivated by his will and that he focused all of it on me. Before I could think anything or say anything he was inside me again, and the feeling was blissful. He looked me directly in the eyes as he thrust in and out of me. I enjoyed watching him and the way his eyes rolled back slightly and then close as he felt pleasure with me. I marveled at his strength as he kept holding me until the last moment, not letting me slip until he came and his body went weak. I landed on my feet, legs shaking even though I hadn’t done much. He leaned over me, hands on either side of my head as my back was still to the wall. He breathed heavily and his dark eyes stared into mine. I took his face in my hands and kissed him hard, still wanting him. I could feel his strength was low and I pushed into him, his hands weakly falling to gently hold my hips. He pulled off the shirt and threw it in a soaking wet ball in the corner before he pulled me against him. I pushed him under the stream of water and let the water run down on both of us, still kissing. Eventually he turned around to let the water wash over his face while I held him from behind planting wet kisses on his muscular back. I felt lost at sea with him. Finally we got down to the business of actually washing up. He playfully lathered up my hair with shampoo and gave me occasional kisses. It was not the most efficient shower, but it was certainly the best one I had ever taken. 

When we got out he handed me a big fluffy towel that felt amazing against my skin. I didn’t want to put any clothes on. I just wanted to live in this towel. I felt lazy, so I went back to the bed and spread out sideways while he got ready for the day. 

I stared at the ceiling for a long time, thinking about how much I was enjoying being with him and how much had changed since we were last together, and yet how much was still the same. He was still pure warmth, like the sun, only better because I could look at him all day, which we both loved. I enjoyed being a part of his private show even more than before, my ego more in check now than when I was younger and desperate to prove I could be my own person. I finally knew who I was now and didn’t feel like fighting him, while at the same time he didn’t question me.

Eventually, he came out of the bathroom fully dressed in black skinny jeans with a white t-shirt under a blue button down shirt, only halfway buttoned. His hair was blow dried and carefully combed, and I really wanted to mess it up. He smiled at me, surprised to see me on the bed. The fluffy towel was still covering me and he pulled it back. “Are you going to lay naked in my bed all day?” he asked. 

I bit my lip. “What if I am?”

“Then that’s all I’m going to be able to think about all day,” he said, softly stroking my thigh with his fingertips. Goosebumps rose all over my body, making him smile even more. 

“Oh, then I won’t,” I said, sitting up quickly. 

“Why not?” he pouted until I kissed him. He got more serious. “What are your plans for today?” he asked, sitting down beside me.

“It’s my day off. I guess I’ll run some errands and take care of some chores at home. Then I can come back here and cook you dinner.”

“You’ve cooked me dinner the last two nights,” he pointed out. 

“I could never do it too much.”

“Don’t feel like you have to,” he said, brushing a strand of wet hair off my shoulder. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m taking advantage.”

I scoffed. “Cooking for loved ones is never a burden,” I explained. “It’s the greatest thing in life.”

“Okay, then!” he cheered. “You can cook for me every night.” I rolled my eyes, trying not to think about how that would be another unfulfilled wish. “I have to get going,” he said with a hint of sadness. He kissed my forehead before getting off the bed. “You can stay as long as you like though. Leave whenever you’re ready. I’ll leave you a key on the kitchen counter.”

“How should I leave?” I wondered aloud, thinking about keeping our secret. 

“It should be okay if you go out through the lobby. A lot of people live here, so it won’t be suspicious.” He was about to walk out of the bedroom when he turned back like he’d forgotten something. He came back to the bed and gave me a gentle lingering kiss. “If you’re still naked in my bed when I get back, I’ll have to reward you,” he whispered before leaving. 

Soon after I heard him leave I worked up the energy to get dressed in the same dress from the night before. I explored every cabinet and drawer of the kitchen and the fridge. As I expected it was mostly empty, just some bottled water, juice, a couple bottles of wine, fruit, and the leftovers from last night. He either never ate or always ate out, but that was about to change. 

After taking inventory of the entire kitchen, I gathered up my things up and swiped the key card Yunxi had left for me on the counter. I felt nervous riding down the elevator, especially when someone got on at the 11th floor. Surely someone was going to realize I didn't belong here. The man who got on just politely ignored me and I tried to do the same. There were a half dozen or so people in the lobby when we got off and to my relief none of them seemed to notice me at all. I exited the building just in time to catch the bus home. I couldn't help but smile at the juxtaposition of my descent from penthouse to public transportation. 

When I got home, I hurried through all the chores I usually let pile up until my day off. Laundry, some light cleaning. I had this surreal feeling like the last day and half I had somehow stepped away from my normal life and now I was briefly returned to it. This was my actual life, simple and ordinary. Maybe everything romantic and magical that happened with Yunxi was but a dream I was always bound to wake up from. 

I changed into a simple black t-shirt dress. When laundry was drying I went out to the market a couple blocks over from my apartment building. 

If Yunxi and I had a normal, not secret, relationship I would have taken him to my favorite hot pot restaurant. With things as they were I decided just to bring it to him. I couldn't remember what he liked in his hot pot and I could have just asked him, but I always liked a surprise, so I thought I'd just get all the basics and see what struck his fancy. Shopping for food was just as fun as cooking and eating it for me. There was nothing about food I didn't love. The flavors, the aromas and the textures were all wonderful. I strolled happily among the market stalls and stores, selecting the best products from my favorite butcher and produce vendors.

"Are you having a party tonight?" Yanqi, the butcher, asked after I ordered beef, lamb and tripe.

"Something like that," I smiled. I had a very exclusive guest list, I thought to myself. 

When I got home I loaded up a large cardboard box with my portable burner, pot and all the ingredients. I packed a few days worth of clothes, including work clothes, knowing I wanted to spend every possible moment with Yunxi without the inconvenience of having to come home for minor things. Then I hopped back on the bus to downtown.

I hadn't thought much about how suspicious I might look walking into his building with all this stuff, but the doorman certainly noticed it was out of the ordinary when I arrived. He looked me up and down, obviously realizing I was not a familiar face.

"Can I help you ma'am?" He asked in a deep voice, not opening the door for me. 

"Oh, um," I hadn't thought of an excuse for me to be coming in through the front door. I looked down at the box of food in front of me. "Uh. I'm a chef at House of Chiang. Luo Yunxi has hired me for a dinner party," I lied. "He gave me a key." I struggled to fish it out of my back pocket. 

"I'll have to check with Mr. Luo," the man said bluntly. 

I simply nodded. He showed me to the desk in the lobby and explained the situation to an older gentleman before returning to his post. 

"What's your name miss?" asked the desk worker. I told him and he dialed a number on his phone. "Good afternoon, Mr. Luo. I have a Miss Lei in the lobby wanting up into your apartment. She says she's cooking for a dinner party…" He eyed me cautiously as he listened to Yunxi on the other end of the line. His expression changed slightly. "Oh, yes, sir. And are there any guest names you want to give me for tonight?" He asked. "Okay." He hung up the phone. "Sorry for the hassle, Miss Lei," he said politely with a smile. "We take security seriously here. I hope you understand. It won't happen again."

"No problem," I smiled at him innocently, dying to know what Yunxi had said to him. 

"My name is Mr. Wu. Let me know if you need anything." He extended his card to me with a bow.

"Thanks." I took the card awkwardly because of the box and left with a bow. I tried not to skip to the elevator, somehow feeling like I'd gained a golden ticket. Getting to the apartment felt like arriving at a heavenly palace, far above the rest of the world. And I had special access. 

I got to work preparing for the evening meal. I was slicing thin bits of meat when my phone rang. I answered it awkwardly and put it on speaker. "Hello?" I asked, since I didn't recognize the number.

"I'm having a dinner party tonight?" The voice on the other line asked. 

How did he get my number when I clearly didn't have his? And why hadn't we exchanged numbers? I brushed the questions away. 

"Of sorts," I replied as I continued to slice.

"Who is going to be there?" He wondered, and I could picture the smile on his face.

"Just you and your special lady."

He hummed. "What are we having?" 

"You'll see when you get home," I said mysteriously.

"It should only be another hour or two," he said cooly.

"See you then." The phone beeped as the other line disconnected. 

I finished prepping long before he got home and wondered about how to occupy myself. I put a note of the refrigerator that said "no peeking" and went out onto the terrace, although I thought briefly about what he had said before he left that morning. I could see from where his portion of the terrace ended that there were at least two other apartments on his floor, and I couldn't help but wonder who might live there. I laid myself out on one of the lounge chairs and let myself bask in the late summer sun. My mind was surprisingly clear and I had almost fallen asleep when I heard the outside door slide open. I kept my eyes closed as he sat beside me on my chair. I fought a smile when he stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers. I opened my eyes slowly and blocked the light from the sun with my hand. I turned my head slightly to kiss the back of his hand before I sat up and rested my cheek on his shoulder.

"How was your day?"

"It was fine," he said. "I would have rather spent it with you, though."

"You're here now," I smiled.

"Yes," he agreed happily. "What's for dinner?" 

"Did you peek?" I asked accusingly. 

"Of course not!"

I looked up at the sun. "It's too early to eat. You'll have to keep waiting."

"What do you want to do then?" 

I moaned and leaned back in the chair, but scooted over to make room for him. He followed my lead and reclined next to me, placing his arm around my shoulder and holding me close to his side. I let my mind clear again, happy just to be by his side and he seemed to relax as well. After some time had passed I stretched my arms out and groaned contentedly. 

"Okay, I'm ready," I told him, satisfied with how the sun had sunken.

"I want to go change into something more comfortable," he said.

"Take your time,” I said and then thought better of it. “Don't come out until I tell you to!" I called as he walked away from me.

Quickly I cleared off the long coffee table in the living room and set up the hot plate. I brought out the pot full of broths, several dishes of fresh ingredients, and all the necessary utensils. Just as I was finished setting up I saw him poking his head around the corner, biting his lip.

"We're having hot pot?" He sounded like an excited child. 

"Yes. Do you want water or wine?" I asked as I put cushions on the ground for us to sit on. 

"Wine, please." He rubbed his hands together as he came out into the room wearing black Adidas sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. He smiled as I handed him a glass.

"I didn't remember what you like or if your taste had changed, so I got some of everything," I said as I came to sit by him.

"I like everything." The way he looked at the spread in front of him made me believe him. "But you got so much."

"Don't worry. I'll make use of anything we don't eat tonight. Just have what you want. I tend to go a little overboard." I couldn’t help myself when everything tastes so good. "Hey, I forgot to ask about your parents yesterday. How are they?" I asked to distract him while the broth was still heating up.

"They're well. They just got back from a vacation in Seoul." He picked impatiently at the ingredients with his chopsticks. I picked up my own and tapped them against his to make him stop.

"Be patient." He pouted. "Did I ever tell you your dad basically kicked me out of his dance school?"

That got his attention and he held back a laugh. "No!" He leaned back against the couch and watched me.

"I took classes with him for about six months when I was maybe seven?" I struggled to remember the details. "After our second recital, which I totally ralphed in the middle of, your dad told my dad I probably didn't have a future as a dancer." Yunxi laughed freely. He pet my head, feeling sorry for me. "My dad took me out right away and we never went back. He was furious."

"Poor Mei Mei," he laughed.

I shrugged. "He clearly understood me better than my own father."

"I’ve never understood your father pushed you so hard when you clearly hated it." 

I shrugged. 

The broth had begun to simmer so I started to put in the meat. Yunxi's mouth looked to be watering.

"Xixi," I said softly, trying to keep him from diving in after the meat. "What did you say to Mr. Wu on the phone earlier?"

"Oh, he asked about a Miss Lei," he said in a mocking tone, "trying to get into my apartment and I told him Miss Lei was to be treated as my guest for the foreseeable future and she should be allowed to come and go without interference. He didn't give you a hard time did he?" His eyes followed my chopsticks as I placed some vegetables in the pot.

"Nope. He was very polite."

"Good." He was completely distracted and chewing on his chipsticks.

"Xixi, did you eat today?" I asked, becoming concerned by the look in his eyes. 

"Salad," was all he said.

I picked up a piece of raw carrot with my chopsticks and stuck it in his mouth. "I didn't know how much you really needed me," I said as he chewed. 

"I really do," he said as he watched me fish around in the pot. I picked out a piece of beef that was ready and blew on it before dipping it in my signature sauce. 

"This is my special sauce, but if you don't like it, you can make your own." I brought it to his mouth and he opened wide.

"Oh my gawd," he moaned loudly and rolled his eyes back in his head. I laughed soundlessly until I was out of breath. "So good," he swallowed and opened his mouth for more.

I found some lamb this time and fed it to him. He moaned again, less exaggerated this time, but seeming to enjoy it just as much. I went in one more time. "Tripe?" I asked and he nodded his head excitedly. After he swallowed that piece he looked at me expectantly, waiting to see what I would offer him next. Instead I tapped his chopsticks that were still in his hand, as if telling him to do it himself. He didn't hesitate and began adding more ingredients to the pot and taking out others. His happiness with the meal filled my heart and warmed me up. He rubbed my back softly and kissed my cheek, letting me know his appreciation. We ate for a long time until he leaned back against the couch and rubbed his belly. Whatever he had said before, almost everything was gone. 

"I was trying to figure out what you like best, but you ate everything," I complained.

"I told you I like everything," he said in a full, sleepy voice.

"But, that's not helpful."

"Why not? I promise I will love anything you feed me." He looked so satisfied, eyes starting to close. 

I tried not to be annoyed, knowing it was irrational. I sighed, pulling out the last piece of beef from the broth. A drop of hot broth landed on my thigh and I yelped. He popped up and saw me wiping my thigh with my dress. 

"Aww, poor Mei Mei," he said again. He turned over onto his stomach so he could blow on it. "Does it hurt?" I nodded and pouted. He planted several very soft kisses on the red spot. He suddenly realized where he was and looked up at me, the look in his eyes suddenly devious. "You brought me dessert too?" He asked in a low, seductive voice while he ran his fingers down my other thigh. I leaned back on my elbows and gasped as he slipped a finger just under the edge of my panties. 

"Yunxi," I whined as he started to pull them off. 

"What?" He whined back.

"Turn off the burner first."

A mischievous smile broke across his face and he did as he was told. Then he turned his attention back to me, letting his fingers play along the outer lips of my pussy, teasing me before sliding one and then two long thin fingers inside of me. I was completely at his mercy as he lowered his mouth to my mound. I completely lost myself in his hands once again until I couldn’t take anymore. 

When he was finished he came to hover his face over mine, smiling like the cat who ate the canary and licking his fingers. "I swear I think you enjoy that as much as I do," I shook my head. 

"Why shouldn't I?" He asked, kissing my forehead and cheeks before whispering in my ear, "I promised to love anything you feed me." He gently nibbled on my earlobe. Then suddenly he popped up in front of my face again. "Let's go dance!" He had a glimmer in his eye. 

"Wha! I don't even think I can stand," I told him, my legs still feeling like jello because of his insatiable appetite. He was already on his feet and pulling me up. "But I'm so full," I whined as he pulled me toward the gym. 

"All the more reason to dance," he cried. 

I hadn't really taken the time to look at the "gym" before, but it was actually more of a dance studio, with one long mirror wall with a ballet barre and some free weights and other equipment off to the side. Yunxi put on a song I didn't recognize. "I want to see if my dad was really right about you." He took me by the hand to the barre and started to stretch. Being a good sport I followed suit, even though I felt my legs might give out on me any second and leave me in a heap on the floor. 

"You've seen me dance before," I reminded him. 

"You weren't bad. You were actually pretty good," he recalled, obviously poorly. 

"It's not so much a question of talent as a question whether I can not throw up. I'm still pathologically terrified of performing in front of people" I reminded him as I continued to follow his stretches, painfully. 

"Then this should be no problem." He stood up straight and then pulled me in close so he was looking straight down into my eyes, like he could see directly into my soul. "It’s only you and me here, and you never need to worry what I think of you." He took a step backward and I followed his lead instinctively. Another step and I was still with him. He danced around the room and it was like I was magnetically pulled by him, somehow keeping up with him effortlessly and following his every queue without a thought. Until he stopped with the song and I finally did collapse into a pile on the floor, my legs quivering helplessly. 

He crouched down beside me. "See, you're not so bad," he smirked. 

"How did you do that?" I was breathing heavy. I felt certain he used some kind of magic. 

He shook his head. "We're just connected." He smiled. I couldn't deny it. 

"Come on," he said, taking my hands and trying to pull me to my feet.

"Yunxiiiii, noooo," I fake sobbed.

He was going to insist, but he seemed to understand that I really didn't want to and let me be. He stroked my nose with his finger and kissed my forehead. "You can just watch." He smiled and grabbed me under my arms to drag me carefully to one end of the floor, making me laugh. Then he proceeded to dance gracefully around the room. 

"I wish I had my camera for this," I said cheerfully.

"Here, use mine." He rushed over to give me his phone. "Take a video so I can post it on Weibo." He seemed so happy, so I obliged.

He danced for a while longer while I just sat and watched in wonder. He truly deserved the title of fairy prince, and I was fully prepared to treat him like my King as long as he would continue to love me so honestly and genuinely. Eventually he wore himself out and came to sit beside me leaning against the wall. 

"You still really love it, don't you?" 

He breathed deeply and nodded while I watched a bead of sweat drop down his temple. 

I laughed lightly. 

"What?" His eyes flashed with curiosity. 

I rested my head on his shoulder. "I was just thinking how we're polar opposites. I want to disappear in front of an audience of two and you shine for an audience of one. A shrinking violet and a shining star. What a pair." 

"Opposites attract," he said, lifting my chin with his finger. "I can't help it if I want to show off for you."

"I'd better go clean up the kitchen!" I said, suddenly leaping to my feet.

"I'll help," he smiled, grabbing me by the hips and following close behind me.

In silence I washed the dishes as he dried them and put them back in their place. Working together it didn't take too long. After cleaning the counter tops I leaned against the counter and watched him putting the last few things away. He came to put his hands on either side of me. "What?" He wondered, knowing I had a question on my mind.

"Does it bother you that I don't enjoy dancing and performing like you do?" He scrunched up his face. Confused by my question. "I just mean, I know how important it is to you. Does it bother you that I didn't choose that path?"

He smiled, almost laughed and shook his head. "No. Of course not. We are very different, and I like that. I don't need you to love everything that I love. Maybe I used to think that way, but now I know that's a childish way to look at a relationship.” He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his forehead to mine. “I just need you to love me while I do it. You’ve always loved me no matter what crazy thing I’m doing, and I can’t tell you what that means to me."

I ran my fingers through his hair and interlocked them at the back of his neck. "I do," I assured him. "I love you so much. Thank you, Xixi, for loving me for who I am and respecting me even if you don't understand me all the time."

"I don't want to control you or own you, Meimei. From the first moment I met you, I’ve only wanted you to stay with me so I can watch all your mysteries unfold and see the world through your eyes. I know I can be demanding sometimes, but I won't force you to do anything if you say no. If I don't hear you the first time, tell me louder. If I don't understand, make me understand. You can do whatever you want. I just want to be around you. Is that okay?"

I rubbed my nose against him as I nodded yes. He kissed me gently for a long time while I enjoyed the weight of his body pressed against me. Finally he let go. "You know I was expecting to come home to you naked in my bed. Since you disappointed me, you'll have to make it up to me." He looked down at me, his eyes turning dark. He put a finger under my chin. "Go run us a bath." I could practically see the crown on his head.

" _Shi bixia_ ," I said with a bow, using all my control not to crack a smile. Only then did he move aside so I could follow his orders.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to the college days. Learn more about their deep emotional and sexual connection.   
> Been wondering about why and when she left? You'll get some answers here.   
> TW: some references to abuse (non-graphic)

When it came to loving Meilin, I was a slow, but dedicated learner. She was enigmatic and that could be as difficult as it was exciting and endearing. It was hard for me to balance her need to do whatever the hell she wanted with my instinct to protect and control her, but I felt it was well worth the effort. I wasn’t sure why she continued to give me chances either. Maybe it was just that I made her laugh, or that when things were good they were really good. We had a lot of fun together, laughing with and at each other. Things were best when we were on our own and she would be fully herself. I tried to keep giving her new experiences around the city when we had free time and she really appreciated that because it allowed her to escape the pressures of her father and school. And in return she gave me her complete attention whenever I demanded it and never tired of me or judged me when I went beyond the normal limits to get it. I felt from her a complete acceptance of my weirdness that I had long ago begun to believe I would never know. 

She also fell in easily with my group of friends, Leying and Zhancheng mostly, and she was usually pretty talkative as long as the circle was restricted to this number. If ever Qingyi showed up wherever we were hanging out I would quickly make up an excuse for us to leave, except for parties. 

Partying was a strange part of our relationship, because at our cores we were both quite social. Stricken as she was with stage fright, she didn’t struggle with conversation, although she was better with small groups than larger ones. Nevertheless, our situation in those settings was much the same as it had been before we started dating: each of us holding court at opposite ends of the room, me performing whatever and her chatting away. She was surrounded by guys more often than girls, and I tried to keep my jealousy in check. She never seemed to show any similar jealousy for me. For the most part, everyone on campus knew we were a couple and most people were respectful of our relationship. Every now and then, though, some guy would get her alone by chance and I would swoop in, usually kissing her dramatically. She would get embarrassed by the public display of affection--let’s be honest, I intended for everyone to see--and she would drag me out the party to my dorm room and we would make out until Zhancheng came back. This was not a problem for me. 

On one such night we made it back to my room fairly early. I had wanted her alone and made a scene on purpose to get her out of there. I didn’t particularly feel like sharing her with anyone. We made out on my bed for a long time. With her on top of me, I enjoyed feeling her all over, her legs, her ass, her hips. I’d been sneakily getting her to eat more and she was putting on weight in the absolute best way. All the right parts of her were becoming plump and round, which was only driving my desire for her. I slid my hand under her shirt and enjoyed the jolt of electricity we both felt when my skin touched hers. She let me feel her breasts under her bra and moaned softly. 

This was as far as we had gotten before. We had worked up to it slowly, but we were also often interrupted by Zhancheng, who couldn’t take any kind of hint. I had been really cautious about approaching this part of our relationship. For one thing, she was still young, although only a year and a half younger than me, so I didn’t want to rush her. For another, I had learned to be wary of pushing her to do anything to spook her. But as I fell more and more in love with her I became more and more anxious to experience this part of our relationship. I was a virgin, too, and didn’t exactly know what I was doing, but I knew I wanted my first time to be with her. She had been so accepting of me in everything I did that didn’t impede on her free will, and I hoped she would accept me in this aspect, too. She was shy and I knew she wouldn’t make the first move, either, so taking this step was a thin line to walk between her will and mine. Still, I sensed she had been thinking about it too as she was letting me go farther and farther, and I knew she was adventurous with a rebellious streak. This was the night I would take my shot. 

I moved my hand back to her hips and started the lift up her shirt. She pulled back. 

“What about Zhancheng?” 

“He’s in Beijing for an audition. He won’t be back until Monday.” My heart was racing as I waited for what would happen next. 

She didn’t wait for me. She pulled her shirt over her head and started kissing me again. I told myself I should just prepare to be shocked by everything tonight and go with whatever happened and felt right. I slid my hands up her back, feeling goosebumps, until I arrived at the clasp of her bra. She was patient with me while I dealt with it, my first one ever. She laughed lightly as I felt her breasts, free for the first time, and moaned when I put them in my mouth.

I flipped over on the bed so I could be on top of her and continued to fondle her breasts. She reached over to turn off the lamp, but I grabbed her wrist and held it to her side. “I want to see you,” I breathed over her. To my surprise she didn’t argue. Her eyes flashed with lust and she grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head. I guess she felt like fair was fair. I was pretty scrawny back then, but she didn’t seem to care as she pulled me against her and our flesh united. There was absolutely no feeling in the world like it. 

Suddenly, unexpectedly, I wanted to slow everything down. I was already harder than I’d ever been in my life. I felt as if we were going to sprint to the finish line if we let ourselves go completely, and I’d much rather take a long romantic stroll with her. I ran my hand slowly down her side, enjoying the sound of her breath as I excited her nerves. Her hands went to the button on my jeans. I pulled back to grab her hands and pin them above her head. “Slow down,” I told her softly. 

She looked confused for a second, then she looked up at the position of our hands and smirked. I started to loosen my grip, fearing I was too overbearing, but she made this small motion, as if pressing her hands harder against the bed, telling me to keep her there, so I did. Her eyes were electric. Slowly I bent down to gently kiss her neck, then her collarbone and worked my way over to the other side. I nibbled on her ear and let my teeth graze the lobe before I whispered to her, “I love you.” Her mouth opened and she breathed in, but I told her, “You don’t need to say anything. I just wanted you to know before and not after.” I felt that she must have loved me on some level to accept me as warmly and honestly as she did, and it didn’t matter all that much at the moment whether she did or not. She didn’t like talking about her feelings anyway, so there was no point in hoping for her to say it back. But I still wanted her to know how I felt, that I was in love with her, spirit over body, and it wasn’t going to change. 

I moved my lips back to her mouth and kissed her passionately while my hand moved very slowly down her arm, over her side and down over her skirt. I didn’t stop until I reached her knee and then I reversed direction, creeping back up over her smooth thigh and under the fabric of her miniskirt. Her breathing became jagged and I pulled back to look at her face. I stopped my hand at the top of her thigh and looked deeply into her eyes. “Is it okay if I touch you?” I asked.

She smiled up at me and put her hand on my neck. “You can do whatever you want with me,” she breathed. “I’m yours.”

I thought my heart would certainly burst. She was mine, and she was in my hands. I moved my mouth to her nipple while my fingers inched around the edge of her panties. She squirmed beneath me and I was thrilled making her excited with my touches. I slipped my fingers under the silky fabric of her underwear and felt her warmth. She was pulsing and swelling and I could already feel the wetness of her pussy as I gently felt the outside of her. I smiled at being able to turn her on so much. I rubbed my middle finger lightly over her slit and she moaned a new moan, her whole body tensing. I gave a little more pressure, spreading her lips apart a little as I did so, and felt her dripping juices on my finger. I could feel myself get even harder as she let out a small cry. I put my hand over her mouth, although I really like the noises she made; it just felt right at the time. Slowly I slid my finger inside her and felt the vibration of her moan against my hand. I took my mouth away from her breast so I could watch her face while I pleasured her. She took my hand from over her mouth and slowly licked my middle two fingers before sucking on them. I thought I was gonna cum in my pants. She was beyond anything I had expected, and I always knew she would be great. She wasn’t even trying yet. 

I pulled my hand away from her mouth at the same time I slid another finger into her tight slit and kissed her. She continued to moan as I kissed her slowly all the way down her body and tried to reach her most sensitive spots. When my mouth reached her hips I left a kiss on each side before removing my fingers from her. She whimpered, missing me already. I shushed her and pulled her skirt down past her ankles. She was now completely naked in front of me, legs bent, and I really felt like she was mine, so I was determined to make it worth her while. I moved so I could be between her legs and put my fingers back in her gently before I pressed sweet kisses to the inside of her thigh. 

“Yunxi,” she whined, and I smiled against her skin. 

I kissed the spot right above her clit before I flicked my tongue out to taste her for the first time. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, but I was going on instinct and hoping I was responding correctly to all her sounds and physical cues. I seemed to be doing the right thing as she ran her fingers through my hair and pushed her hips deeper against me. I didn’t stop until I felt her throbbing around my fingers, and even then I didn’t realize I’d made her cum until she was crying with laughter and pushing my face away. 

She tapped my shoulder and signaled with her hand for me to come up to where she was. I laid next to her and licked my fingers and my lips, thinking she was the greatest thing I had ever had in my mouth. She was still smiling. 

“Did I do well?” I asked, needing her affirmation and approval. 

“Top marks,” she breathed, eyes closed. 

“Really? Did I make you cum?” I was eager for feedback. 

She opened her eyes and turned on her side to look at me. “I’m pretty sure. I mean, it was my first time. But I can’t imagine feeling any better.” She was still smiling when she kissed me. She rolled over on top of me and the only thought in my head was, I don’t even care if we have sex. I was so pleased with her pleasure and with myself for giving it to her that I thought I could happily die in that moment. 

Don’t get me wrong, we were absolutely going to have sex though. 

She was warm on top of me and I enjoyed the pressure of her body and feeling of her skin on mine. She kissed me passionately and I grabbed her ass, which was becoming perfectly round. On a whim, and without thinking it through at all, I smacked her ass, not hard, but not light either. She giggled and I felt relieved and turned on. She moved her kisses down to my neck and I gathered her hair in my hand. She licked my nipples and I didn’t know I could feel like that. She seemed to like the way it made me moan and lingered there for a minute while she ran her hands over my abs, teasing me. Without hesitation she unbuttoned my pants and slid her hand between my jeans and my boxers, testing the waters and feeling me gently. 

I froze. I felt suddenly full of insecurities and wondering what she thought of me and hoped I didn’t cum immediately. 

Her head popped up. “Is this okay?” she asked, sounding concerned. I nodded and mhm’d. “Are you sure?” she asked, her voice deeper and seductive. 

I shivered all over, releasing tension only to build it up again. “Please go on,” I said in a jagged breath.

She smiled and continued to look at me as she slid her hand under the band of my boxers. I wanted to look back at her, but my eyes were rolling back in my head and closing. I didn’t know it could feel like this to be touched by another human. I felt like every nerve in my body was activating, turning on all the ones that had never been turned on before. She stroked my cock for a couple of minutes, smoothly but firmly gliding over the head and all the way down the shaft before coming back up again. I tried not to enjoy it too much so it could last longer. Eventually she pulled her hand away and started to remove my pants. When they were on the floor beside her clothes, she took me in her hand again and moved her head down. I grabbed her wrist once again to stop her and pulled her up to eye level with me. 

“Did I do something wrong?” she asked, her eyes full of self-conscious fear. 

“God, no!” I told her, shaking my head. “I’m not ready for that,” I said, moving a piece of hair from her shoulder and letting my finger run down her arm. “I...I’d like to be inside of you.” I didn’t know how else to say it. 

She gave me a smile that pulled up at the right side and nodded her head. “I’d like that, too.”

I reached over to my bedside table and opened the drawer to find a box of condoms I had bought a couple of weeks ago, just in case. 

“You came prepared,” she said, gently teasing. 

I tried to laugh as I unwrapped and put on the condom, filling to the brim with nervous anticipation. _What if I’m really horrible at this? What if she hates it?_ I tried to give myself a little pep talk like I always did when I was nervous. _You’re good at lots of things, and everything has been perfect so far_ , I told myself, boosting my own confidence. I rolled back over so I was on top of her. She bent her legs so I could get between them. I could feel her body all over me, pressed together and completely naked for the first time, but I still wanted more. I looked into her eyes and she looked nervous, too, but I could also see her desire and I let that fuel my confidence. I adjusted myself and entered her very slowly, hoping I didn’t hurt her. She inhaled sharply, but as I slid all the way into her all the hesitation drained from her eyes, lust and heat filling her deep brown irises. 

“Is this okay?” I asked, because I want to hear her say it. 

“There’s nothing like this,” she breathed out, her expression something I had never seen before. And she was right because without experiencing this feeling you would never be able to guess or describe it. Even after feeling it there were no words to explain how complete I felt, like I was _more_ than I had ever been before, in every possible sense. And it was all because of her. 

She wrapped her legs around me and pulled me into her as we found a rhythm. I felt my eyes closing but her eyes were fixed on me and I couldn’t look away. Sliding in and out of her was the only motion in the room. We held each other tightly, transfixed by the moment and the presence of each other. Eventually, I came, but I couldn’t imagine how long it had lasted. Surely it was only minutes, if I was lucky, but in my soul it felt like eternities, and I still wasn’t ready for it to be over. 

I collapsed half on top of her, and I could hear her isn’t-the-world-a-wonderful-place laugh. That, more than anything, made me feel like a job well done. I didn’t have to bother asking how she felt because when I looked into her eyes, most of my body still draped over hers, she smiled and said, “I love you, too.”

Meimei and I were inseparable for most of the fall semester. Not only we were hot and heavy, but someone had told me they never saw her eat when she wasn’t with me, so I tried to eat two meals a day with her when I could. She also fell into a habit of skipping some of her classes, and though I really wanted to encourage her to work harder, I knew that trying to curb her rebellious behavior would backfire, so I just hung out with her when I could. For a while she seemed quite happy as she explored her freedom and we got to know each other, our love deepening more and more as the days passed. But as the end of the semester approached, the recital season came up, and her mood became more and more gloomy. 

Meilin caught me on my way to English class one day in December. She pulled me to the side of the building and kissed me hard. 

“Can I come with you to class today?” she asked when we broke apart. 

“Sure,” I agreed. “What’s wrong?” 

“The professor is making us perform our solos in front of the class today.” Her eyes were focused down on our hands. 

“You’re gonna have to face it later,” I told her. 

“I know! But what’s one less performance?” she groaned. 

I kissed her forehead before taking her hand and leading her to class. She had actually been helping me get through English all semester. Although she wasn’t quite fluent, she remembered a lot of what her mother had taught her from when she was a child. She sat at the back of the classroom with me and took my notes while I watched her write and rubbed her thigh. I kissed her arm and her shoulder gently when the professor's back was turned. Often when I was somewhere with her, I really just wanted to have her all alone, and not just for sex, but to have her be free. But I also enjoyed seeing her engrossed in the lesson. 

With only about fifteen minutes left in class the professor noticed her presence for the first time. He was English, and a fairly serious guy, who didn’t appear to like someone crashing his class. 

“I seem to have gained a new student awfully late in the semester,” he said, in English, turning his gaze on her over the rim of his glasses. 

She stood up awkwardly and bowed. “Yes, sir. I’m just observing,” she said. 

“She’s my English tutor,” I chimed in, standing up beside her. 

“You speak English?” the professor asked, raising an eyebrow at her. 

They started to converse and I couldn’t really follow them. I heard the words “American” and “mother” and I really didn’t know much else. At the end of their conversation though she picked up her backpack and whispered to me, “I’ll be outside,” so I guess he kicked her out. 

I hurried out of the building when class ended and found her sitting on a bench outside, watching some birds with a blank expression. 

“I’m sorry,” I told her. “Is everything okay?”

She shook her head. “I’m fine. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have been there.” She sighed and spun on her toe to walk away. “I shouldn’t be here at all.”

I hurried to take her hand and walk with her. I hated when she talked like this. I knew she was right and being here was making her miserable. But it was hard for me to separate her unhappiness with her situation and the direction of her life from myself. I knew that she was happy most of the time she was with me, but I hated knowing that she would be happier away from me. I was too young to understand that her emotional distance was about how she felt about herself and not how she felt about me, so I always tried to make her stay. 

“You belong here with me,” I tried to sooth her. 

She stopped and turned toward me. She looked like she wanted to say something, but didn’t know how, so she kissed me. I was surprised because she didn’t usually kiss me in open public spaces, and there were a lot of people around. “Take me somewhere else,” she begged, close to my ear. 

I wasn’t sure if she meant from where we were then or from the place she was in her life, but I took her back to my room because that was the only place I had. There was a nagging part of me that wondered if she only liked me as a distraction from everything else. Even so, I thought that was okay because I enjoyed being with her so much. But I always had a small doubt if she loved me as much as I did her. I still wanted her anyway. 

Finals at the Academy meant recitals. She was able to attend my performance in a play and a ballet before her dad arrived. Her only performance was for her modern vocals class and he had come to judge her performance. I saw them talking backstage at the beginning of the show, but she had warned me to keep my distance. I couldn’t hear what they said, but her eyes stayed down on the ground while he lectured her. After he left to find a seat I was able to approach her. She was in the farthest corner of the auditorium backstage area, dry heaving over a trash can, clearly having a panic attack. 

I took her into my arms and tried to tell her everything was okay. It was like she couldn’t hear me. She sobbed until the end of the song of the girl before her. “Just pretend like I’m the only one here,” I told her as she wiped her tears. She took several deep breaths and sniffed before they called her name. When they did she left me standing in the wings to walk onto stage with the weakest smile I’d ever seen across her face. 

She put in a solid performance, certainly not the best of the night, but nothing to be embarrassed about, although at times she sounded like she might have a cold because of all the crying. When it was over she rushed off stage, straight past me. I didn’t find her until hours later, in my dorm room. 

“Zhancheng let me in,” she told me before I could even form a thought. 

“How are you feeling?” I asked, sitting next to her on my bed. I rubbed slow circles on her back. 

She took a deep breath and looked far into the past. “When I was seven, I had a dance recital. It wasn’t my first one, but it was my first time to dance all alone. My dad kept telling me how I better be the best, not to disappoint him. I was so nervous, I threw up right before I went out. He didn’t let me wash my mouth or let me calm down. When I went out I looked all over for my mom, but I couldn’t find her anywhere. I performed horribly. I completely forgot half the routine, and my dad yelled at me the whole way home. When we got to the house, my mom and all her stuff was gone. And I haven’t.” She sucked in a deep breath. “Since then my dad has been really hard on me, and everytime I get ready to go on stage all I can taste is the bile in my mouth.”

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her into my side. “It’s okay.” I didn’t know what else to say. 

“My dad said he was disappointed again today. That’s what he always says. I don’t know when he’ll just get over it and understand I’m never going to be able to please him. I just can’t. There’s nothing I can do.” She was sobbing now and I just let her cry into my shoulder. 

“You didn’t disappoint me,” I told her. “You never disappoint me.” I kissed her forehead. 

“But I will. Sooner or later, when I leave here or you do, it will all end in disaster,” she cried. 

I kissed her to stop her from saying anything else that would cause us both pain. She was hurting and I knew I had no way at all to stop it, so she cried herself to sleep in my arms. 

The Holiday break did not go at all like I'd wanted or expected. I had thought since we were both going home to Chengdu that we would see each other often, but that had turned out to be pretty naive of me. I hadn't considered just how strong the hold her father had over her was. I only got to see her in person once, when she went out for a “run” and it was brief. I couldn't even see her on her birthday. We talked on the phone occasionally when her dad left the house, but she always sounded like either she'd been crying or she wanted to.

"If he finds out about you, I don't know what he'll do to me," she had said. It filled me with fear and anger. If I had known where she lived I would've gone to her, but she refused to tell me. I felt like my light filled fairy was gone.

When we got back to school seeing her was the only thing I could think of. The lack of her was driving me completely mad. But she wasn't the same. When the semester ended she actually looked healthy, still thin, but not like she was starving anymore. After the New Year, she wasn't quite as bad as when I met her, but she looked tired and frail. I wrapped her up in my arms and felt her shake, but she didn't reciprocate warmly. She looked just miserable.

"Let's go get some noodles," I suggested cheerfully, hoping I could cheer her up and fill her up. She shook her head. "Hot pot?" 

"I can't," she said. Her eyes were empty.

"You need to eat something. You look awful." Her eyes turned on me, narrowed, full of disgust. She pulled away from me and sat on her bed, curling into a ball. I sat down beside her and stroked her hair down her back. She winced and I paused, my hand in mid air. "What's wrong?" I asked urgently.

"Nothing," she sniffed, but wouldn't look at me. I reached down to lift up her sweater and she jumped off the bed. "Don't!" She yelled.

"Did he beat you?" I asked, rushing to stand in front of her once more. She had her back to the wall. I took her face in my hands. Her eyes filled with pain but she wouldn't answer. "Why?"

She jerked her head away from my touch and gave a rueful, humorless laugh while one tear dripped from her eye. "I can't do anything right," she said quietly, looking at the ground. I couldn't say anything else, so I just kept my gaze on her, hoping she would look at me. She sighed. "I failed one of my classes, I gained like five kilos, and I skipped an audition. I don't remember what else." 

She still wasn't looking at me. I was thankful that I wasn't on the list of reasons. I wanted so badly to hold her tight but I was afraid of causing her pain, so I held her gently around the shoulders, and she lifted her arms to barely hold me back. I cried a tear of my own and wiped it away quickly so she wouldn't see. Then I let her go so I could kiss her gently, as if that could take away any of her suffering. It seemed to though, as she held me a little tighter, pulling me into her and deepening the kiss. She leaned against the wall, pressing me against her even though she whimpered just a little. I tried to pull away, but she clutched me around the neck and wouldn't let me go. She needed me all of the sudden, and I let myself get lost in it if it made her feel the slightest bit better. Her lips were soft and smooth and I bit the bottom one, enjoying the moan from her as I did so. Her cheeks became wet and she must have been crying, but I didn't dare pull away. I just grabbed her hips and pulled her harder against me, hoping to distract her from all her pain. She took the momentum and pushed me back until my legs hit her bed and I sat with her on top of me. Now I could grab her butt and her legs without worrying about hurting her. I didn't even hear when her roommate walked in. Meilin broke us apart, but didn't get off of me. The two women didn't say a word to each other.

"Let's go somewhere," she whispered to me, looking into my eyes with a mysterious sort of light that wasn't happy at all.

"Where to?"

"Anywhere you want, as long as there's people and no food," she said. 

I was a little disappointed she didn't say somewhere where I could have my way with her, and I couldn't quite understand the request. "Okay, just give me a minute," I told her before gently moving her off my lap. She looked down and giggled a little. It was a nice sound.

When I had settled down I took her by the hand and we strolled through the dorm and around campus until we found a group of students I knew. We started chatting and Meilin shrank by my side. She looked more content than before, and I guessed that the reason she wanted to go out was so my attention wouldn't be on her. As much as I really wanted to be alone with my audience of one, I finally understood what she wanted, so I dutifully lifted the curtains and let the show begin. It was easy. I could feel her watching me. Her eyes never strayed, and the more of a show I put on the happier she looked, the happier I felt. It was like a miracle to me that my show off personality could be a salve for her tired, lonely and aching soul. She rarely told me what she was really feeling. She would always explain the reasons for her emotions, but she'd never put the feelings into words, so I could only trust the vibes from her when I could interpret them and hope I was right. 

Meilin remained depressed for the beginning of the semester. There was an idol group audition coming up in May and it was all most of the girls on campus were talking and thinking about. Her father called her constantly to remind her, ask what she was eating, and berate her for not practicing enough. Every time she hung up on him she looked hollow and cold, and she came to me for warmth. She would tell me about how she wanted to escape and run away. She couldn't see any way out. When I held her close I imagined I could keep her there by my side, but I had a deep dread that I couldn't. I didn't want her to be miserable but I also didn't want her to leave, so I could only hold her in this cage and try to keep her warm.

For the first time in my life my natural do-anything-for-attention personality felt like a blessing. I would try anything to make her laugh. I think my random and obnoxious behavior allowed her to escape her head, and that was as close as she could get to leaving her miserable prison.

She clung to me like a safety blanket, and I loved it, my permanent audience who laughed at every joke and always asked for an encore. Only when I had performed long enough to make her believe she was somewhere else could the real her finally come out, the mercurial little fairy who floated a few inches off the ground and wondered at the world around her, finding beauties and truths in all the small things. I hated that there was a thing in the world that ever brought her feet to the ground, so mostly I tried to hold her up. 

She spent every night in my bed, since Zhancheng had left to film a minor part in a drama. In bed was another side to her, still fun and ready for anything, but a little more eager to please and willing to do whatever I said. She was a generous and affectionate lover, with none of the defenses that she wore like clothes. When we were together, skin touching skin, it was like a whole different reality, separate from who we were on this plane of existence. Truly indescribable.

In her darkest moments though she would rant about how she was going to leave, go somewhere her father wouldn't be able to see her or talk to her. It terrified me to my core and so I'd hold her close and ask her to hang on until I graduated. Then I'd take her with me, wherever I went, and I'd make her smile every day. The harder I tried to hold onto her the more she seemed to slip away.

In early May, my father was having surgery and my parents asked me to come home for a week. I didn't want to, what with the big auditions taking place in Shanghai coming up in just a few weeks. Meilin seemed to be spiraling, and it was getting harder and harder to release the fairy, buried as she was under the darkness.

On the morning I left, she was wretched. I could see how weak and lost she was, and I felt horribly guilty for leaving, but what could I do? I knew she wasn't trying to make me feel bad, she just didn't know how else to be, unable to generate any light of her own. She sat on my bed, already cold and distant, while I gathered my things to head to the airport. When I kissed her goodbye she was passive and her hug was weak as I held her desperately close. 

If I could have known that was the last time I'd see her, I would have tried harder to be funny. Hell, I wouldn’t have left at all.

When I got back to campus I went straight to her dorm before going to mine. The door was open, so I walked right in, but her bed was totally empty and stripped of sheets. Her roommate was there, and told me that she had come back to the room just like that one day. No word from Meilin. I asked everyone I knew on campus about her, about the last time they saw her or if she’d said anything. Since we had started dating people had mostly stopped taking notice of her, at least when she wasn’t with me, which I’m sure would have gratified her greatly. I heard a rumor that she was injured and had to be taken to the hospital and never came back. 

The week I came back to campus was the week of the audition, so all the girls were distracted and not willing to talk to me. When it was over, I decided to give it another shot, in case anyone remembered anything with a clearer head. I went to the girls dorm again to talk to her roommate first. Her dad was there, asking questions I wanted to ask. 

_When was the last time you saw her?_

_Did she say anything?_

_Do you know where she might have gone?_

I hid behind a corner and listened to their conversation. It was mostly the same I had already heard.

_Tuesday before last._

_She never said a word._

_I didn’t know her that well._

I knew that if her father didn’t know where she was that I wasn’t going to have any luck finding her and she wasn’t going to be coming back. I felt completely crushed. I tried to accept that she was gone with the hope that she was doing all the things she wanted to. Maybe she was in America with her mom. Maybe she was in some remote corner of the world. I hoped desperately that she was happy. I felt completely empty inside, like all the beauty and wonder had gone with her. She had been like a moon reflecting my light and now the night was just black and cold. 

People said all kinds of unhelpful things to me, like how they knew she wouldn’t last here or how she didn’t belong. They were right, of course, but I already knew all those things because she was the one who had said them, and they didn’t help me to feel any less like I had lost the love of my life. My only hope was that it wouldn’t be forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one's first time is like this, but hey, that's why they call it fiction.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meilin talks about what happened after she left. They have to part again. :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mid Autumn festival is only a couple days away.   
> Have you watched "Love is Sweet" yet? So good! Although, I'm not convinced their love is very sweet.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you about this, but I always get distracted,” Yunxi said on a day we both had off, which we had agreed to spend in bed. He was tracing around the edge of a small blue marching bear tattoo on my hip. 

I laughed. “That’s a gift from my mom, believe it or not.”

He looked as shocked as I’d expected. No Chinese mom would ever let her daughter get a tattoo. “You’ve never really talked about your time in America,” he said, which was true. I never wanted to remind him of how I’d left. Even now I hesitated. “I’d really like to hear about it,” he urged, placing a kiss on the spot in question. 

“Hmmm. Where do you want me to start?” I asked, staring at the ceiling. 

“At the beginning.” he rested his head on my stomach. 

I sighed. “I guess it’s time I told you.” I took a deep breath. “When I left, I was heartbroken. I was desperate to escape the academy and my father, but I truly hated leaving you. I took all my stuff from the dorm, and sold most of it that was of any value. I had a little savings, and I used everything I had to buy a plane ticket to LAX, and then a bus ticket to San Francisco. I didn’t know exactly where my mom lived, and I had no phone, so I ended up in Chinatown and got some help from some people to email my mom and find her.”

“How did she react?” he wondered. I looked down at his eyes, full on earnest curiosity. 

“I was a wreck. She had no choice but to take me in. Don’t get me wrong. My mom is a naturally kind person, and she would have taken in any person in my state. She was also in the unique position to understand why I was fleeing from my father. She couldn’t understand my heartbreak though. I don’t think she’d ever been in love like we were. For the first two months I mostly just laid on the couch in her small apartment and cried and made a burden of myself.” I glanced down to him again. Our eyes connected and we both had a sense of distant sadness. He moved so we could lay face to face.

“In a lot of other ways my mom is a lot like me,” I continued. “She’s kind of a spacey dreamer, a rebel. She didn’t want what her parents wanted for her either. They expected her to go to Berkely or Stanford and become a doctor, but after high school she ran away with one of her friends to follow the Grateful Dead and was gone for almost six months.” He continued to look shocked. “When I was depressed and lying on her couch, their music was how she got me out of my funk. When I was capable of getting up and showering on a regular basis, she helped me get a job in a kitchen in Chinatown. I felt like I finally had a parent who understood me. She introduced me to a lot of stuff. She taught me to drive, like I’d always wanted. We went on a couple road trips. She let me try pot. It was kind of a whole different reality from everything I’d known. All the control my father had put on me was totally gone and replaced with a total “do what you want” attitude. She never _made_ me do anything. She allowed me to figure out who I was and what I really wanted. We’re actually pretty close now because of it.”

Yunxi smiled more than I had expected he would have. “Why did you leave then?” he wanted to know. “Why not stay with her?”

“My dad was smart enough to guess that I had gone to her, but it took him more than a year to locate her. When he finally got her phone number he called and threatened her to send me home. He said if she didn’t that he would come over there. I didn’t think he would actually fly to America, but we couldn’t be sure. She told him I wasn’t there and we both agreed I should leave just in case because he had her address.”

“Where did you go?” I was surprised by how engrossed he was in my story.

“I ran off to Mexico, actually,” I told him, but I guessed that wasn’t quite as funny as it was from an American perspective. 

“Mexico?!” His eyes widened. 

“Mhm. I had learned a little Spanish in California, but some of my friends at work had told me about a Chinese community in a city across the border called Mexicali, so I went there for a while and worked in another restaurant until I made some contacts in Mexico City. I learned a lot about Mexican cuisine. Did you know that chili peppers were originally from Mexico? They really love spicy food there, too. You would like it! After that I spent a few months in Peru. And why are you smiling like that?”

“I just feel really happy,” he said and a tear sprang from his eye and dripped onto the sheet. 

“Xixi!” I looked at him in wonder. “What’s going on?”

He smiled even wider and shook his head. “I just...when you were gone the only thing I could do to feel any bit of happiness was to think that you were off in the world experiencing beautiful things and making your dreams come true. You were off doing all the things you’d talked about. Knowing that means it wasn’t a waste. Knowing that you were living your life like that means that those years weren’t better spent by my side, and I’m so happy.”

I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but I felt his reaction was genuine and he truly felt relief. 

“I’ll always feel guilty for hurting you,” I told him, although I didn’t want to diminish his joy. 

“There’s no need. I know you didn’t do it to hurt me. You had to be free, and the circumstances were what they were. You got to become this amazing woman, and I hope you made a lot of wonderful memories.” He brushed my face and tucked my hair behind my ear. “You’re here with me now to share them, and that’s the only thing that matters.”

I let his joy fill me up. It felt nice to realize that we had both spent our time well, even amongst all the pain we’d experienced, in order to achieve the goals we had. I had always known it wouldn’t have happened if we were together. In a way we had to separate in order to be able to love each other properly now. I just hoped desperately that we could hold onto it.

“You still didn’t tell me how you got the tattoo,” he reminded me. 

“Oh! That was a going away present. The night before I left San Francisco we went and got matching tattoos. We had bonded over the music of Grateful Dead and she had even taken me to some concerts. We decided to let it be a reminder for us. Hers is green.”

He smiled one more time before pulling me close to him and kissing me gently. I could still feel the happiness coming off of him like waves and my own relief was indescribable. 

____

Three weeks went by too fast. No matter what else was happening in the day, Yunxi and I at least had our nights. I made sure he was well fed every night and spent the rest of it in his arms. The two of us becoming intertwined every night and waking up together every morning poured like lava into my veins and filled in frozen caverns that I had long ignored. I still hadn’t told him everything that had happened while we were apart. The intervening years were long, and no one can be happy all that time. I hadn’t told him about returning to Chengdu and finally seeing my dad again, or about the culinary institute and the lonely fortress I built around myself to focus on my work and not be hurt or distracted. The affection, support and space that Yunxi gave me provided warmth that had long been missing from my life. He filled out time together with so much love and laughter. I wasn’t sure how I would handle the sudden distance we were hurtling toward as we celebrated the Mid Autumn Festival. 

I spent all day preparing a literal feast for his last night, homemade mooncakes included. After weeks of cooking for him he still had no clear favorites, so I made him all the food I could think of, as if I was trying to feed him four months worth of food at once. He spent most of the day with me in the kitchen helping, mostly by making me laugh and being cute instead of actually making food. He commented once on the quantity of food, but I almost burst into tears and he didn’t mention it again. He seemed to understand that I was trying to work my feelings through the food. I don’t know if he understood that I was trying to show him how much I loved him and would miss him. I kept having to tell myself not to miss him while he was still here. After eating dinner we sat on the terrace, his arms wrapped tightly around me as we shared a bottle of wine and watched the moon. In spite of being full, the moon had reached its apogee, and it was nothing like the first moon we had shared together. It felt as far away as Pluto; a painful but fitting sign. 

I felt tears again and I couldn’t hold them back anymore. I really hadn’t wanted to spend his last night in a mess of tears, but it looked like I wasn’t going to get my wish. I turned over in his arms so I could bury my face in his shoulder. He held me tighter and let me sob for a few minutes. 

“Please tell me what you’re feeling,” he pleaded. He had subtly and gently tried all day to get me to express my worries to him, but I couldn’t find the words. I was afraid of seeming too needy and unstable if I unloaded my feelings on him. I was afraid I would say something stupid, like ask him to stay. In some part of my brain I felt idiotic for feeling like this and for loving him at all. I knew he wanted to make me feel better, and I wished I could let him. 

“I’m just gonna miss you so much,” I mumbled into his chest. 

“Miss me when I’m gone.” I knew he was trying to be sweet, but I could hear a bit of impatience in his voice. I couldn’t blame him. I was making our last night miserable.

I sat up and wiped my eyes. “You’re right,” I said.

It was too late. He was now determined to examine my emotional landscape and I wasn’t prepared for it. “What are you really worrying about?” he asked, wiping a stray tear from under my eye. 

“I don’t know how I’ll keep warm without my sun,” was the only way I could express my anxiety. 

He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear. “I know I’m going to be far away, but I will do everything I can to send you my heat. I won’t neglect you. I’ll make sure you feel my love.”

“How?” I wondered, knowing I was pouting. 

“I’ll call you everyday and tell you I love you. I’ll answer any questions you have. And...anytime you see me on social media making a heart over my heart, you’ll know that I’m thinking of you.” He demonstrated. 

“That’s the signal?”

“That’s the signal,” he replied. I smiled in spite of myself and tried to mimic his finger heart. It looked much better when he did it. He tried to help me get my fingers right and eventually we were both laughing at how bad I was at it. 

“I won’t have you all to myself anymore,” I whined, letting him wrap my hands in his. 

“But I’ll only ever belong to you,” he promised, rubbing my third finger, as if he wanted to put a ring on it. "I'll be back with you as soon as I can."

"What if you don't miss me when you're out there? What if you don't want me anymore? How will I live then?" I sounded pathetic and I hated myself. Tears were returning to my eyes.

He kissed my cheeks before they could get wet again. "All I know is having you and missing you." 

"But am I really what you wanted? Am I still the girl you secretly longed for all those years? Was it worth the waiting?" The questions came faster than I could even think of them. 

He brought my cheek to his and held me again while he whispered in my ear. "You are exactly what I want and have always wanted. Since we first met, I’ve loved the way you look at the world. The way you look for and find beauty makes the world more beautiful for me. So what would my world be without you in it? But also, in my whole life you’ve been the only one that ever accepted me for the person I am. You’ve never gotten annoyed with my constant need for attention. You let me express myself completely. After you left, for years I felt alone, afraid to let anyone see this part of me again. Since I found you you've given me my freedom back. How can I not return to you?"

I squeezed him tight. "You're always the center of any room you are in," I pointed out.

"It's not the same as with you. You're my perfect audience."

"Aren't you afraid of leaving me?" I asked, wanting to feel just as needed by him and to be validated by his hurting. 

"Yes and no. I've spent the last weeks fearing you would disappear before my eyes. I'm still a little scared you won't be here when I come back,” he admitted. “But I have faith in us. I've found you twice now, so I will always find you. You will always be mine, no matter where you or I go." He gazed up at the moon while he stroked my hair. "It won't matter how far away you are, or whether I can see you or not, I will always wait for you. I know you'll come back, as long as you remember your own words."

I lifted my head to look at him better. "Which words?"

"As long as we hide from everyone but each other, we will be alright," he repeated. He held me by my chin. "Don't run from me. Be honest with me like I am with you. Tell me what you feel because I truly need to know. And don't lose faith in me."

“I can’t promise I’ll be good at that,” I admitted with a sniff. In fact, I thought I’d be pretty awful at it.

“I know. I’ll try to be patient. This is going to be hard. But I know it will be worth it.”

He kissed me gently, but I wanted more. I attached my face to his in a deep, yearning kiss and wouldn’t let go. I felt it wasn’t enough to be beside him. I wanted to be one with him. Against him, connected and united with him like the two oddly shaped puzzle pieces that we were. When neither of us could breath I moved my mouth hungrily to his neck, below his ear, against his jaw, nibbling at his throat like I wanted to devour it, because I did. I licked deliciously at his collar bone, and when I couldn’t find any more easily accessible flesh I pulled his sweater over his head without permission or any resistance from him. It was cool out, but that only made his nipples hard and more enjoyable for me suck on. He moaned pleasantly, reclined in the lounge chair, and let me have my way with his body. I teased his other nipple with my fingers while I licked one and then switched and enjoyed the sounds of his pleasure. Eventually I moved my mouth back up to enjoy the other side of his neck while my hands wandered down to unbutton and unzip his blue jeans. I pulled them down a little so I could unleash his hard cock and stroke it lovingly. His head lolled back and his mouth hung open while I lavished my touches on him, until I grabbed him by the hair at the back of his head and united our mouths once again in a passionate and desperate kiss. I released him and worked my lips down his chin, his adam’s apple, his chest and his abdominal muscles until I reached the promised land. I pulled off his pants and caressed his thighs as I settled myself down between his legs. 

Yunxi didn’t usually ask for or accept blowjobs because it meant relinquishing his control on the act of sex. He usually liked to be the one to direct, and was typically more interested in giving pleasure than receiving it. When I looked up at him, placing a gentle kiss at the base of his cock, he looked back at me with hungry eyes. He threw his head back, eyes closed as I ran my tongue up to his head and swirled it around the tip. He let out a low, ragged moan as I took his head into my mouth and sucked gently on him. He almost let out a cry as I slid my mouth further down his now plump and rigid member until I reached the bottom. I sucked and pumped on him for several minutes, not stopping when I heard the sound of other moon gazers on the terrace beside his. I was too busy enjoying the sounds of pleasure coming from deep within him and escaping past his lips. I got lost in it and before I knew it he was filling my mouth with his warm, tangy cum. I sat up, smiling and licking my lips as he opened his satisfied and dreamy eyes to me. 

“I don’t know why I don’t let you do that more often,” he sighed as he pulled me onto his lap and against his lips. 

He pulled gently on my lips with his. Then he turned me around so I was sitting like I had before, with my back to his chest and his arm wrapped around me. He unzipped the front of my dress just enough so he could fondle my breast while he nibbled on my ear with his teeth. His other hand ran over my dress, from my breast down my stomach until he reached my thigh. He groped and squeezed it firmly before moving his hand down to my knee and spreading my legs open so that my foot was now on the other side of his legs and he was trapped by me. He walked his fingers slowly back up my thigh until he reached the edge of my panties and traced my bikini area with a light, tantalizing touch. He brought his hand back up to rub my stomach before plunging his fingertips into my panties to tease me. He touched me gently at first, playing with my lips with the tips of his fingers before he began to rub my clit more meticulously. I moaned softly while he played with me and lipped at my neck and my shoulder. I panted as he brought me to climax and pulled my mouth against his again. 

Without another word, or caring about his clothes laying on the ground he stood and carried my bridal style inside to the bedroom where he laid me down on the bed and made passionate love to me until the very early hours of the morning. 

We woke up just a few hours after falling asleep in a sweaty, intertwined mass of weak and satiated flesh. He had set his alarm for as late as possible, and unfortunately we didn’t have anytime to fool around or enjoy our last time waking up together. I let him shower while I went to the kitchen and cleaned up all the dishes that we had let sit the night before. He came into the living room, fully dressed and dragging his luggage just as I was bringing his abandoned clothes inside from the terrace. 

“Sorry about the mess,” he said with a half smile. 

“Don’t worry,” I assured him, returning it just as much. “I’ll take care of it.”

“You can stay as long as you want. Come as often as you like,” he told me, looking around his apartment. “I would like it if you thought of this as your home.” He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. “I’m sorry I have to go so early,” he said against my ear. 

“No use apologizing,” I told him. “I’m going to miss you.” I tried very hard and just managed to hold back my tears. 

“I’ll miss you, too,” he promised. “I’ll call you as soon as I get settled in.”

He gave me several kisses before we were able to let go, and then suddenly he was gone from the apartment. It immediately felt empty and cold.


	11. Chapter 11

Our plan to talk every night quickly fell apart. Our work schedules just didn’t line up. I still worked the dinner shift most nights, meanwhile his days were usually twelve hours or more long and started early. In the first week he was gone we only managed to talk directly over the phone twice, although he always sent me sweet videos when he couldn’t reach me. 

“I’m really sorry we haven’t talked,” he said after a week had passed. “Our schedule is just so intense.” I could hear the exhaustion in his voice. 

“I’m sorry, love. I wish I could help you,” I sighed. 

“It will be okay. I just have to get used to it again. I’ve been having it too easy for the last month,” he said, implying our time together had been too relaxing. 

“Are you eating enough?” I wanted to know. 

“Yeah, I usually just eat what they give me, or some instant noodles in the hotel room. Whatever I can get my hands on.”

“Yunxi, that’s not enough. If you’re going to work this hard you have to take in more calories. Are you getting enough protein?” I couldn’t hold back my dietary training. 

“I’m fine,” he promised. “I wish I had your food though,” he frowned. 

“I already miss cooking for you,” I admitted. I hadn’t been eating all that well myself. I just couldn’t find the joy in cooking for one anymore. 

“Do you have anything planned this weekend?” he asked.

“No. Not really. A friend of mine is having a party on Saturday, but I don’t think I’ll go,” I told him. 

“You should go!” he encouraged. “You used to love parties. I wish I could go with you.” His expression was nostalgic and I could tell he was thinking of our college days. 

“It won’t be a party like that,” I said, thinking of a room packed with dozens of drunk students. 

He shrugged. “A party is a party. You’ll have fun.”

“No, I don’t think so,” I sighed. “There’s only one thing on my mind recently, and I can’t talk about it.”

He sighed too. “I’m sorry. But you should still go. You always have a lot to talk about. And I don’t want you to sit at home alone being sad. Please, go for me,” he pleaded. 

“But I’ll miss talking to you,” I argued. 

“Don’t worry about that. You haven’t seen any of your friends in a while. You spent too much time with me. Go and have a good time.” He almost had me convinced. I didn’t say anything for a minute while I considered it. “What are you wearing?” he asked suddenly. 

I laughed a little. “You can see me,” I said into the camera. 

“Then let me see,” he said. I pulled the camera away and moved it so he could see me still in my work clothes. I’d called him as soon as I walked into my apartment. 

“I’m still wearing work clothes,” I said, in case he couldn’t tell. 

“Take it off,” he said suggestively. 

I blushed, although I didn’t know why. He laughed as I struggled for a moment to take off my shirt with one hand, and then gave up and set down the phone so I could remove it. 

“NO!” he yelled. 

“What?” I asked, hovering my face over the phone on the nightstand. 

“I wanna watch,” he whined. 

“Oh.” I looked around and then leaned the phone against the lamp on the nightstand, struggling to get the angle right so he could see my whole body. I could see from his expression that he’d started to touch himself. 

“Take your shirt off slowly,” he instructed and I obeyed. “Turn around and let me see your ass,” he said, his voice becoming deep and rough. Again I did as he said, looking over my shoulder to see if I was in the frame and to catch a glimpse of his face as he pleasured himself. I knelt in front of the phone to fill the picture with my face and chest, and removed my bra at his request. The act of removing my clothes for him over the phone was making me feel self-conscious in a way I never felt with him in person. “I miss you body,” he breathed as he continued to stroke himself. He talked dirty to me about the things he wanted to do to me until he came. I just felt naked and alone. 

I did go to the party, like he suggested. As I predicted it was filled with people asking questions about where I had been and what I had been doing for the past month, mostly from Xuanxu. 

“It’s good to finally see you out again,” he said as he passed me a cigarette and lit it for me on our friend’s balcony. I didn’t smoke frequently, only sometimes when Xuanxu managed to get a few drinks in me. 

“Yeah, it’s good to be out,” I replied. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t completely true either. Part of me would have rather been home, lying in bed. Another part of me would rather be with Yunxi. 

“You’ve been so MIA recently,” he said. 

“Yeah. I’ve been busy,” I hedged. 

He rolled his eyes. “Doing what? Or whom?”

“What makes you think there’s a whom? You know me. I don’t do whoms,” I tried to play it off. 

“I do know you. I know that last month you were happy, which was weird. And for the last couple of weeks you’ve been even more miserable than your usual miserable self. Since you don’t really get attached to whats, I assume it’s a whom,” he reasoned. 

“There’s no one,” I lied and took a long drag of my cigarette. 

“Right. Is no one hot?” he asked, puffing away. I looked away. “Come on! Give me something!” he cried. He was hungry for gossip and information and that was why I couldn’t tell him, despite the fact that he was as close as I came to a best friend besides Yunxi. 

“There’s really nothing,” I continued to lie. 

“You’re either the most boring person or the worst friend ever,” he sighed. I just shivered in the cool autumn air. “Fine,” he sighed and put out his cigarette. He walked inside and left me on the balcony alone. 

A moment later my friend Weilong, who was hosting the party, walked out with a tall, handsome man. “Hey, Meilin, this is my friend Dinghao,” he introduced us. “Dinghao’s going through the institute right now. I’m sure you guys would have a lot to talk about.” Weilong winked at me and went back inside. 

“Oh, I’m sure I couldn’t tell you anything Weilong hasn’t already told you,” I said evasively, taking a final drag of my cigarette before putting it out. 

“He said you got hired at House of Chiang right out of school. That’s pretty impressive,” Dinghao smiled. 

“Oh, well,” I blushed and shivered. Dinghao started to take off his coat, like he was going to give it to me. “Oh, no! Thanks. I think it’s time for me to head home,” I said shyly and ran inside as I mumbled, “Nice to meet you.”

“You’re leaving already?” Weilong asked when he found me in his bedroom looking for my coat. 

“Uh, yeah. It’s after midnight. I’m tired,” I told him as I found it. 

“You’re such an old fuddy duddy,” he sighed as he helped me pull it on. “Dinghao is cute, and I’ve really been talking you up to him.”

“I’m sorry,” I told him half heartedly. “But I’m really not looking for anyone,” I smiled. 

“Did you already find someone?” he wondered with a grin. “Xuanxu said…”

“No! It’s not like that. I just...You know me. I’m better off alone. I’m good. So please, don’t talk me up to anymore guys, no matter how cute they are,” I begged him. 

“You cannot live on bread alone,” Weilong argued. 

“I can,” I promised him. “Thanks for the party,” I said, giving him a hug and then turned to make my way through the crowded living room. I waved at Xuanxu as I reached the door and he waved back before rolling his eyes. 

I made it down to the street and decided I was close enough to walk to Yunxi’s apartment and did that instead of getting a car all the way back to my place. Mr. Wu gave me a stoic look as I stumbled through the lobby on my way to the elevator. He obviously knew that Yunxi was gone, but he had been given clear instructions not to interfere with me, and he didn’t say a word or betray any emotion as I shot him a bashful glance. 

Once in the apartment I headed straight for the bedroom. It was the first time I had been back since he had gone. I knew he said he wanted me to come as often as I liked, but I couldn’t bear to face it. Its very existence shrieked the absence of him, and it was too overwhelming. I went to the kitchen and found a bottle of wine before going to the bedroom. I stripped off my jacket and kicked off my shoes before flinging myself onto the bed. I buried my face in his pillow and tried to inhale the remnants of him. To my delight it still had a hint of his scent and I breathed in all I could. 

“Yunxi,” I moaned to his vacancy. “Why do you have to go so far away?” I let myself cry some drunken tears and forced myself to stop as they turned into sobs. I’d been letting myself get to that point quite often recently, but I tried to pull myself together. Instead, I pulled out my phone and went on my usual social media tour.

Yunxi's social media profiles had been blowing up recently. He had personally been posting at least once a day, always with a heart over his heart to tell me I was on his mind. But he was also frequently making himself available to fans for pictures using the same pose. Every day there was a crowd of fans waiting outside the hair and makeup studio to catch a glimpse of him going to set. The daily videos they posted were the best way for me to see how he was doing on days when we couldn’t connect. Each day I wondered to myself how such an insanely good looking and talented man had, for so many years, allowed himself to be in love with me, a perfectly average and obscure nobody. It defied all reason. 

"You're not being very discrete," I commented to him the next time we talked. 

"What do you mean?"

"Some of your fans think you have a secret girlfriend because of all your hearts," I explained. I was trying to come off as teasing, even though I felt frustrated inside. Annoyed that we couldn't have a relationship in the open, and scared that we would be discovered if anyone found any breadcrumbs we weren't very careful about sweeping up.

"Oh...well my fans are pretty smart." I rolled my eyes and he laughed. "Are you following stan accounts of me? Are you also buying tabloids?"

"I will do whatever it takes to see you as much and as often as possible," I confessed. 

"You're lucky you get to see me so much. I miss seeing you," he sighed. “I miss touching you.” We went through our normal routine of phone sex. It couldn’t hold a candle to the positive blaze that was our real sexlife. To be honest, I found myself bored and alienated by it. Phone sex required a level of communication I wasn’t really used to or comfortable with. When we were together, there was very little communication needed at all. I knew what he wanted and if I didn’t he would show me. When we were in bed we were of one mind. Now we felt like two very distant beings, and it didn’t put me in the mood at all. I tried to make an effort for his sake, but the truth was I was just bad at it. And I was afraid he misinterpreted my discomfort as disinterest, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted his hands on me and not my own, and vice versa. 

Our irregular phone calls and our pale sex life weren’t helped at all by the fact that when we did talk I felt like I had nothing to say. There was simply nothing interesting happening in my life. I worked a lot. And when I didn’t work I read or watched TV or worked on the odd project, but none of these things seemed of interest, even to me. They were just things I did to fill my time and distract myself from missing him. I had always been good at being alone before. I had hobbies and friends, but even as I tried to engage in them post-Yunxi, they felt unfulfilling. I always told him I missed him, but the part of him I missed was a part that wasn’t reproducible in a short phone conversation or via text, and it wasn’t the sex. It was the random things he would do to get my attention, the stupid voices he would make just to get me to laugh. 

There was a dark and quiet place in my mind that, at many times in my life, when I found myself under stress or the undertow of depression, I retreated to. It was a place of few words or actions. Somewhere I was and felt entirely alone. During culinary school and the early years of my career as a chef I had found myself there often, as a way to escape the chaos. During my childhood it was the place where I lived, when I had no friends and no means to escape the control of my father. It was only Yunxi who had been able to pull me out of it when I got to Shanghai. His ability to dominate every moment and every stage was like the strip of lights that lead you to the emergency exit. His voice could reach into my void and yank me out into the light better than anything else, and I was missing it desperately. I hadn’t realized until he was gone again that I had gotten used to being down there. Before him, it was almost comfortable, or at least familiar. When he came into my life the second time, it was like the void had disappeared entirely. He brought with him too much light to permit any dark corner of mine. Now he was gone I had to search blindly for a corner or anything tangible to reach out for in a vast and bleak wilderness inside myself. I hated to admit it, even to myself, but I needed him to show me the way out, just like I had when we were younger. I felt I couldn’t tell him this because I didn’t want to make it his responsibility, and I didn’t want to seem as weak as I felt.

On top of that, as it became harder and harder for us to reach each other or have any meaningful communication, I had this aching feeling that, because he didn’t seek my attention anymore, he didn’t want me. That whatever need I had been fulfilling for him was being met somewhere else. No matter how many times I told myself he was just busy, I couldn’t shake the fear that he just didn’t want or need my time anymore. 

As the weeks went on I tried to escape the loneliness of missing the things I used to do with him by doing things I knew I couldn’t do with him, like going for a walk. I took to long walks in the city on my days off, getting lost in my thoughts until I no longer recognized my surroundings. One night I was out walking very late. I’d talked to Yunxi briefly while I walked. He sounded tired and I told him to go to bed early. I was in an unfamiliar part of the city when I suddenly had the feeling I was being followed. I didn’t dare to look behind me but kept my eyes straight ahead until I found a merciful 24 hour shop on the next block. I got tea and a car before heading back to my place. I realized I’d been too reckless and absent minded, and needed another way to escape. 

I found that in my frequently disused car that typically sat in the underground garage of my building. The small sedan had been a failed attempt at a reconciliation gift from my father. An endeavor to show he could give me space and freedom that he never intended to provide. I didn’t even know why I kept it when I could have just sold it, but I guess I liked the idea that I could go anywhere, anytime. I began to take long drives. I’d go in any direction, since I had no destination in mind. It could take an hour or more just to escape the city and the suburbs to get out of Chengdu. It really never mattered where though, since my only goal was to feel the distance, listen to some music and sing my fucking lungs out until my voice was hoarse. 

One night I realized I was driving southeast, in the general direction of Hengdian, and I thought, _hell, I'll just go see him_. It was a whole day's drive away, but I came to my senses about three hours into the trip and turned back home. 

I didn't want to go back to my apartment, so I drove to his and parked on the street. It was around five a.m. and I sat in the car for a long time, thinking about how I shouldn't be there. I shouldn't be anywhere near him. I didn't have any real reason for thinking so, just the kind of heartache that comes with loneliness that tells you you're unlovable and you deserve to be alone. I was tired though, so I dragged myself out of the car. The doorman said nothing, but gave me a strange look, probably because of the hour, or maybe I just looked as bad as I felt. When I got to the apartment I kicked off my shoes and went straight for the bed. I grabbed his pillow and buried my face in it, but it didn't smell like him anymore.


	12. Chapter 12

It was almost a relief when I started having problems at work with the head chef, who was going through a divorce and taking it out on everyone, but mostly me, since I was one of only two women in the kitchen. At least I had something to talk to Yunxi about at the end of the day. He let me complain for five or ten minutes and then told me how I deserved better, or should ask for a raise. I wasn’t really looking for his advice. I was just glad to have something to tell him. 

“Maybe you should open your own restaurant,” he said one night after I’d already told him I didn’t want to look for a new job. 

“Yeah, right. Like I could do that,” I scoffed at the idea. 

“Of course you could. You have the skill. All you need is the capital. I’m sure we could find investors,” he told me confidently. 

“We?” 

“Sure. I’d be co-owner.” I could hear his smile.

I sighed. “I don’t want to _run_ a restaurant. I just want to cook in one.”

“Well, we could get someone else to manage it. You’d just be the culinary genius behind the scenes.”

“It’s an idea,” I said vaguely as I stirred my late night noodles. 

“What are you making now?” he wondered. 

“Ramen,” I admitted. 

“Wow. World class chef ladies and gentlemen,” he laughed. 

“I know, but it’s not worth cooking something great just for myself, especially this late at night,” I sighed. “I miss cooking for you.”

“I miss it too. It’s hard to get a good meal around here,” he said.

“I doubt that’s true.”

“Okay, it’s not hard. But nothing is as good as yours. I miss that authentic Sichuan cooking. Almost as much as I miss you,” he said quietly. 

“I miss you, too.” I frowned. “Are you really not eating well? You look like you're losing weight.”

"You wanna see my body?" He was using his sexy voice on me and I knew he wanted to talk dirty for a while, but I just didn't have the energy and it was so much more work being intimate with him at a distance than when he was beside me. 

"You should rest early," I said cooly, ruining his mood.

"Okay," he resigned with a sigh.

"I love you," I tried to smile like I wasn't feeling guilty for frustrating him. 

"I love you, too," he said unenthusiastically.

In the end it was just another night we would both go to bed unsatisfied no matter what. 

One day, after he had been gone for more than two months already, I was scrolling through stan accounts when I saw a picture of Yunxi and Dilraba eating dinner together at a restaurant in Hengdian, apparently taken by the stan the night before. My mouth dropped and my brain flooded with thoughts and questions I couldn’t hold on to. _They both looked so gorgeous and perfect. When was this? He looked so happy chatting and eating with her. She was flawless. Why didn’t he tell me he had dinner with her? Usually he said he ate alone. Had he been lying? How often did they eat together? Look how easy it was for them to share a meal in public. Why can’t I do that? She looked much better with him than I did._

I backed out of the app to call him, but stopped short. What would he think of me calling him about this? For starters, there was no way he would pick up at this time of day. He was probably working with _her_. Probably kissing. I tried to shake the image from my head. Would he be mad that I found out? Or did he do it so I would see? Would he be upset about my lack of faith in him, or did he want me to be jealous? I got lost trying to understand the emotional minefield of it and I wasn’t ready to go into it with him. I put the phone down only to pick it back up ten second later. There was a second picture. They were closer to each other, her leaning in as he said something charming that made her laugh. “MaYbE DiLrAbA iS hIs SeCrEt Gf.” _What an ass._

I let these spiraling thoughts continue to spin me throughout my shift. While on the bus home I got a video message from him in lieu of our bedtime call. He looked awful; pale, thin and tired. He wasn’t taking good care of himself, and she didn’t appear to be taking care of him either. Then again, neither was I. His eyes were puffy, even compared to normal. He was exhausted from flying through the air all day, he said. Going to bed early. “Talk to you tomorrow.” Kisses. “Goodnight.”

I felt disgusted by everything. The tension between us. Our distance. The filthy affair I had now convinced myself they were having. I had been thinking I was going to get to reject his call tonight, but now I’d been robbed of the opportunity. The part of my mind that was shocked and concerned by his appearance wanted to slap the pretty, jealous bitch in there with her. Before I knew it I was crying on the bus, and I almost wished I had just gone to his apartment, even though it felt cold and empty without him there. 

I texted him back: _Are you doing okay? Get some rest. Eat some breakfast. I miss you. I love you._

Just how far would we drift from each other before it was all over?

He called me the next morning, which was unusual. The ringing of the phone woke me up so I didn’t have the chance to think about punishing him. 

“Hello?” I grumbled, still under the covers. 

“Did I wake you up?” he asked, knowing perfectly well that he had. I mhm’d sleepily. “I’m sorry.”

“Did you eat breakfast?” I asked, rubbing my eyes. 

“I am eating breakfast,” he said, but I couldn’t hear any chewing.

“Liar,” I muttered, even though I only meant to say it in my head.

“I am!”

“You look terrible. Are you eating regularly?” the acerbic tone of my voice cancelling out the real concern I felt. 

“Yes.”

“Did you eat with Dilraba again last night?” It just slipped out. 

Silence from Hengdian until finally, “It’s not what you think.”

Now it was my turn to be silent. 

“I swear that it was only a dinner between work colleagues. We do these things for publicity sometimes,” he tried to reason with me. I heard myself scoff. “How did you know?”

“You just said you did it for publicity!” It was too early to be this angry. 

“I should have told you,” he jumped. “I know I should have. But I knew your feelings and I couldn’t figure out how to say it and then it felt like it was too late for telling you to do any good, and I kind of just hoped you wouldn’t find out. We haven’t even talked since then,” he said regretfully.

All I wanted to do was cry. Before I could start I grumbled, “Have a good day with your secret girlfriend,” and hung up the phone. I stayed sobbing in my bed for hours, wishing I could go into work on my day off just for the distraction. 

All day long I wanted to call him, but I knew he’d be unreachable even if I knew what I wanted to say. Should I be blunt with him? _Are you cheating on me with her?_ What good was that question when either I would doubt the answer or it would destroy me? Should I let him explain even if it was hard for me to accept anything he said on the subject? _Excuses, excuses._ There was nothing I could say that wasn’t stupid and needy and also true. There was nothing he could say that I would believe at this time, from this distance, and I felt utterly shattered by recognizing that truth. Deep down, maybe I couldn’t and didn’t trust him.

The phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize, and I was crying and spiraling, so I ignored it. It called back a couple of minutes later, and I actually tried to get a hold of myself while I considered picking it up, but it ended. Finally, as I sat in my confusion they called a third time, and I answered it right away.

“Hello?” My voice was scratchy from all the crying. 

“Meilin?” The voice on the other end sounded strangely familiar, but I had never heard it say my name before.

“Yes?” Was that a question? 

“It’s Dilraba.” My heart froze stone cold. She requested to facetime while I remained silent. I hesitated, but accepted. It was truly her. I could see her face on my tiny screen. It was beautiful, but also concerned and kind looking. “Oh, Meilin, please don’t cry.”

I had forgotten for a second that I was a total wreck and tried to wipe my face. Her eyes darted somewhere into the room behind her phone. I wondered if she was with Yunxi, but I didn’t dare ask. I just sniffed. 

“I know you saw that we had dinner together. Please don’t get the wrong idea.”

I still couldn’t seem to find my voice. I felt terribly pathetic, sitting here like this with her. 

“Yunxi hasn’t betrayed you in any way. I swear. The production team suggested we go out to dinner to get people talking.”

I could only stare at her as she offered me her explanation. Her eyes continued to dart off past the camera. 

“He told me about you today because he’s afraid. Please don’t blame him. I just want you to know that there’s nothing going on and I would never want to come between you.” I wanted very badly to believe that the care in her voice and expression was genuine. 

“Thanks for your explanation,” I finally said, feeling rather cold. 

“I’m really sorry for causing a misunderstanding between you two,” she continued. “He really should have told you about it,” her eyes darted away again. “But he hasn’t done anything inappropriate. I promise.” 

“Okay,” I said so softly I wasn’t sure I actually made any sound. Another tear rolled down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away with the back of my hand.

“Just talk to him. He’s--”

To my surprise I hung up on her. I hung up on Dilraba Dilmurat. What was my life in this moment?

Yunxi called me seconds later and I almost ignored it, but I answered instead. 

“Meimei, please listen,” he begged on the other end. 

“Do you have a lot of time to talk now?” I asked bluntly. I wasn’t even sure what time of day it was then since I had never opened my curtains. 

“Not a lot,” he admitted. 

“Then call me tonight.” I was about to hang up.

“I love you,” I heard from the speaker. 

I paused. “I love you, too,” my voice cracked before I hit the end call button. Whatever else I felt, I knew that was still true. 

When I checked it was only two thirty in the afternoon, and there was really no telling how long he would be working for. I spent the afternoon trying to calmly go through the possible conversations we would be having that night, trying to plan my attacks and defenses, what I would say if he said...It was all pretty useless. I was never very good in confrontation. On some level an argument was like a performance and no matter how I practiced I would freeze up in the end. 

I decided to take the bus over to Yunxi’s apartment. I don’t know if I thought going there would make me feel closer to him, or if it would make me feel worse. I just knew that I was drawn there because it was the only thing available that was his. In reality it felt hollow just like I did. Knowing any argument I formulated would quickly turn into air, I tried to focus my energy on pinning down my emotions. I was obviously jealous, but of what exactly? And why? Did I truly distrust _him_ or was I insecure? My life felt a lot easier when I wasn’t actively in love with him. I usually didn’t have to feel any insecurities when I locked myself away from other people. Underneath all my anger and jealousy, maybe there was just sadness and loneliness. 

Eventually I worked my way back to sobbing uncontrollably on the tile floor of the hallway to the part of the apartment where we hardly ever went. Down there were the guest bedrooms and the office and they felt even less of him than everything else.   
I’d lost track of the time again by the time he called, but it was already dark. 

“Meimei,” he said my name with mixed emotions that I couldn’t separate enough to recognize. 

“Yunxi,” I said back, with no feeling at all. A pause. “Are you cheating on me with her?” I had passed the point where I believed it, but it felt like something I had to get out of the way. 

“I’m not,” he said, firmly but not emphatically enough to make me think he was lying. “I’m a little hurt you would think that.” His voice was calm, not defensive. I wondered if he was trying to hold onto his emotions as tightly as I was. 

“I don’t think that. Not anymore, anyway.”

“Was it Dilraba that convinced you?” I wasn’t sure if there was anger creeping in. 

“Maybe. I’m not sure. Maybe I just really don’t want to believe it. Maybe I want to believe that you really love me, even if I can't feel it.” I felt my voice faltering and eyes watering. 

“Can I see you?” he begged softly. I switched to video call and rested my chin on my knees with the phone down below, too tired to hold it up to my face. I also didn't want him to see me too clearly. His eyes were soft, too, though I could see they were puffy and red. He didn’t look any better than he did the night before. “I do love you,” he said warmly. “Please don’t doubt it. No matter what, that's still true.”

I nodded my head and blinked away some tears. “You aren’t eating well,” I sniffed. 

“It’s hard when you’re not around to take care of me.” He meant it sweetly, but it filled me with guilt. 

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

I took a deep breath. “I miss you so much,” and now I was crying. “But even if you were here, I couldn’t go out to have dinner with you. I couldn’t sit across from you and laugh at your stories and look perfect."

"Are you jealous of her or that we were out in public?"

“Both,” I cried, wiping my face. "And you told her our secret."

“I only did it cause I thought she might be able to help. I wish we could do that, too,” he assured me. “And I miss you, too. I just want to hold you so badly right now. It’s unbearable.” I ached at the thought of his touch and I let out a small but vocal cry, as if I were really wounded. There was such great pleasure in being at his fingertips, within arms reach, that no amount of sweet nothings or heartfelt conversations on the phone would ever equal. 

“I need you here, touching me,” I admitted desperately. “I don’t know how to be like this. I used to be so good at being alone that I didn’t feel it. But it takes time to build up that kind of loneliness, and I don’t want to! I want to be with you.” 

"Please don’t cry, my love," he said softly. 

I laid the phone down on the floor so he was just looking at the ceiling.

"Are you in my apartment?" He sounded suddenly surprised. 

"Yes," I mumbled, burying my face in my sweatshirt.

"I never meant to make you feel like this," he said, the softness returning to his voice. There was a pause while my mind stumbled over the word 'meant.'

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He sighed deeply. "I knew you would see that we had dinner. Some part of me wanted to see if you would still feel jealous, but I never wanted you to hurt like this."

"You're messing with me on purpose?" I felt hot all over and my chest tightened as anger rose within me.

"I feel like you’ve been pulling away from me. I just wanted to know if you were still jealous of her." He sounded defensive for the first time, but I didn't want to hear it anymore.

"Are you honestly that desperate for attention?" My voice was harsh. 

"For your attention, yes. I don't know what to do with myself. We're so distant recently and I feel like you don't ever want to talk to me. I feel like I'm starving without you beside me. I just had to know if you still wanted me." I could see how desperate he felt and the part of me that wanted to comfort him was fighting it out with the part that wanted his total destruction. 

"So you don't have any faith in me either?" I asked, but it wasn't really a question. "You need to crack my heart open to know if I still love you? Well I hope you got your answer. I hope I bleed enough to prove to you I actually have a heart." What good was my heart for anyway? I wished I could rip it out and throw it in the ocean.

"I really didn't mean for you to hurt. I was thoughtless." He sounded sorry, but wouldn’t say it. "Meimei?" He said after a long silence. 

Without thinking too much I got up and looked at the phone on the ground. His face was fragmented and small and far away. I left him there on the floor and left the apartment, slamming the door behind me and hoping he heard. If distance was what he was feeling, he was going to understand just how distant I could be. He could break my heart, but not better than I could.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of Yunxi's time and feelings after Meilin left Shanghai.

After Meilin did her disappearing act her father filed a missing person’s case. I knew, and I suspect he did, too, that she wasn’t abducted or hurt, but I was still desperate for information about her. I plastered campus with missing person flyers, even though no one asked me to. The only contact information I had for her was her school email address and her dad’s home phone number, since he hadn’t allowed her to have a cell phone. I emailed her a few times, but I got no response. It was really like she’d never existed. I almost would have believed it if it weren’t for all the strongly vivid memories I had of her. 

It wasn’t just the memories of the times we’d spent together either. For a long time I could still remember the way she smelled when I woke up with her in my arms. I could remember the sound of her laughter when she was amused by the world around her. I could remember the way her eyes looked at me when I had her complete, undivided and adoring attention. And I could remember the feel of her skin on mine and the taste of her mouth when we were passionately entangled. My full sensory experience of her was my only proof she was real. 

For months I saw her often in my dreams. Sometimes I would dream of real memories of her. A few times she would appear to me and take me to the place where she was hidden, an imaginary realm where only the two of us existed and she lived free from worries. Most of the time though she would just be woven into the fabric of whatever other strange things were playing in my mind, just her face, or a hand that I somehow knew was hers, or maybe just the distant sound of her laughter. It was enough to wreck my sleep for months, even when I was back home over the summer in Chengdu.

When I got back to campus in the fall many of the missing person posters were still up. I called the police to ask for any news, and they told me the case was closed because she had left the country and it was out of their hands. I thought maybe I should take the posters down, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, because to me she was still missing.  
I worked harder than ever in my classes and rehearsals, but on the weekends I drank myself silly trying not to think about what it would be like if she were there. There were lots of other girls on campus, they continued to remind me, and I tried to seek some comfort there. It always seemed to be Qingyi who picked me up when I was drunk off my ass. No matter where I went, she always seemed to be there. Her motives never seemed to be altruistic though. 

“Walk me home,” she said one night, crouching in front of me as I sat slumped in the hallway of the upper class girls dorm, bottle still in hand. I looked down the hallway toward her dorm room and pointed lazily with my finger. “Come on,” she said, grabbing me under the arm and hoisting me up to lead me stumbling to her room. She set me on the edge of the bed. “My roommate is gone for the weekend. You can sleep here,” she told me. I mumbled something incoherent about going home. “You’ll never make it,” she said. I took another drink from the bottle before she ripped it from my hand. “Stop drinking so much.” She set it down heavily on the table. 

“Why?” I looked up at her with bleary eyes. 

“It’s bad for your health. It will make you a bad dancer.” 

I swayed a little, even sitting down. She knelt in front of me and began to take off my shoes. 

“You’ve got to pull yourself together, Yunxi.” She shook her head. “This is pathetic, you pining over that girl. She left, okay? She’s not coming back.” She set my shoes to the side and looked up at me. 

“I know,” I mumbled. 

“It’s the right thing, you know? It’s good that she left. She didn’t belong here. And you can do so much better.” She lifted up a hand to brush hair out of my eyes, but I dodged her. I grabbed her wrist loosely. 

“You don’t know what’s best,” I slurred. 

Qingyi rose up on her knees so we were eye level. “I know she’s not here with you,” she said very quietly, bringing her face close to mine so all I could see were her eyes. “But I am.” 

She brought her lips slowly to mine, and I don’t know why I didn’t stop it. I let her kiss me because it felt nice to be kissed, because I knew she wanted me and it was good to be wanted then. Yet the whole time I couldn’t help thinking about how she didn’t taste as good as Meilin. On the nights when we fooled around drunkenly in the dark it felt fine, but it didn’t feel right. It was a physical experience that didn’t remotely satisfy the spiritual need I felt. And when I was sober I couldn’t stand to be around her. 

One day, as the fall chill was setting in, I saw Qingyi on campus taking down one of the few remaining posters of Meilin.

“What are you doing?” I demanded, coming up behind her as she tossed the crumpled up paper in a garbage can. 

“I called the police. They aren’t looking for her anymore,” she said simply before leveling her eyes on me. “It’s time for you to let her go.” She walked around to another bulletin board where the last poster was hanging and took it down. 

“It’s none of your business,” I said angrily, snatching the paper from her hand before she could toss it. 

“Wake up, Yunxi. She’s long gone.” She gestured widely with her hand. 

I couldn’t think of any response, because she was obviously right. I knew I needed to let go of Meilin, but I didn’t know how I could. It was a lot easier to let go of the drinking and partying, and beyond easy to let go of Qingyi. I avoided her at all costs after that, and soon she signed a contract and left for good. 

Senior year at Shanghai came and went without a word from her. I did eventually find a way to get over the constant heartache of her absence. It took awhile for that wound to heal and I still thought of her frequently for many years, but it didn’t hurt all the time like it did at the very beginning. 

It’s not as if I was a monk between losing Meilin and finding her again. And it’s not as if Meilin’s fears about Dilraba were entirely unfounded. It’s not uncommon as an actor, if you’re doing it right, to fall for your own illusion. Connecting with others was never a problem for me, because I wanted so desperately to feel everyone was with me, all the time. And when you add onto that the chemistry two actors must have to sell a story...well it can’t all be fake. How much of the history of drama must be strewn with the ill-conceived romances of two stars, desperately clinging to the characters they create together in the void of their own personal satisfaction? Even before acting, dancing was another field where passion ran high and it was hard not to feel connected to every ballerina that I spent hours every day working with, laughing with as I tried desperately to make a show of myself. The problem with other performers is they always want to steal the show. 

I turned down another acting contract. To this day I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if I hadn’t done so, if I’d started my acting career sooner. But I didn’t, and it turned out okay anyway. After graduation I took a job as an instructor at the Macau Conservatory School of Dance. That was probably the last time my life felt completely normal. Normal enough that I still thought back then that if she had only waited we could have gone to Macau together, gotten married, and lived a fairly ordinary life together. 

It was in Macau that I met Anwen, another instructor at the school. She was beautiful and fiery, and she was the first person I met after Meilin who actually made me think there might be other women in the world. In some ways she seemed like an even better match for me than Meilin. We had common interests and, for the time, common goals. She made me laugh, and although I didn't feel the connection that Meilin and I had shared, I did believe I was slowly falling in love with her. I had accepted by then that everything after Meimei would only be a paler experience of love. Nothing would ever feel that intense, that powerful, or that beautiful again, and I thought I would be okay with that. It was a high bar to clear and honestly a great height to fall from, so I could live without it. It was okay that our lovemaking wasn't as passionate and consuming. And it was okay that she didn't captivate my attention the same way. But it was less okay that she wasn't as captivated by me. Not once, not ever did she look at me like I was the only beautiful and interesting thing in the world. When Meilin had looked at me I felt like she had a much fascination for me as she did for all the things are her, and I know it seems like a contradiction but that unique interest of hers had the strangest way of making me feel special. Not because I was the only thing in the room or the world but because while her eyes were on me I was the only thing that mattered, and she had never failed to give me that attention when I needed it. I was willing to work for that attention, but she didn't make it all that hard. 

Anwen was not the same. 

In the end, I should have seen it coming. The school year was wrapping up and I was trying to convince her to make a trip to Chengdu with me to meet my parents. She had been avoiding me all week, although I had bought her excuses that she was merely busy. Finally I invited her over to my tiny apartment for a romantic dinner and she accepted. 

"Please, come with me. You've never been to Chengdu. We'll have some good Sichuan food and I'll show you around. Just a few days." I couldn't believe I was begging and she wouldn't even look away from her phone. I nudged my foot against hers under the table, but she pulled it away. I inched my foot further up her leg, but got no reaction. I picked up my chopsticks and started putting food in her bowl. Not even a glance. Finally I started to nip at her with them, and got a big reaction.

"God dammit, Yunxi! What?!" She said angrily, finally putting her phone down.

"Finally, I've been trying to talk to you for five minutes. What is so important on your phone?"

"Nothing." She rolled her eyes.

"Well?"

"What?"

"Are you going to come with me or not?"

She paused for a moment. "Not."

"Why not?" I demanded. "You still think it's too soon? It's been six months."

"It's not too soon. It's just..." She hesitated, avoiding my gaze. "I wanna break up."

Can't believe I didn't see that coming. I started at her for a moment in shock. 

"What? Why? What did I do?" 

"Nothing. This just isn't working for me, " she said vaguely. 

"Why not?" 

She sighed. "Honestly, you're just too needy. You're always on, you know? And I'm just not into it anymore."

Well, she was honest. It wasn't like I hadn't heard it before. Pretty much any girl I dated and even some of my friends had expressed more or less the same sentiment. They were always hooked by the entertainment at first, until they realized I couldn't turn it off and it was too much. There was, of course, one notable exception. 

"And then there's that, " she added abruptly. 

"What?" I asked, pulled from my thoughts. 

"Whoever she is. You've never talked about her, but I can tell when you think of her. It's a shame she's not here," Anwen said sarcastically. 

"Yeah," I muttered, drumming my fingers on the table. 

"Well," she sighed and got to her feet. "I'm gonna leave. Sorry, Yunxi," she said coldly. 

"Yeah," I responded. I didn't watch her as she left. 

Truthfully, I wasn't all that sorry to lose her. I had liked her. I had thought of loving her, even. But when she was suddenly gone, I didn't really miss her. I felt a little sorry for myself, and I missed the only person who had never rejected me. 

After Anwen I gave up on relationships. There was plenty of flirtation and there was the odd impromptu affair, but I wouldn't let anyone around me long enough to tire of me. It wasn't terribly difficult either. After Anwen was JBOY3, and then a few years of trying to break into acting, and eventually a steady stream of work. Acting brought with it plenty of opportunities to entertain, even while the camera was off, and then usually home just long enough to sleep. 

Still, whenever I was lonely there was only one person I wanted, and I had no idea where in the world she was except my memory. I don't know that I really believed I would find her again. I just knew I deserved to be loved, just like everyone else, and the only one who would do that was Meilin, so I chose to have faith we would meet again some day. And if I did, I knew I couldn’t let her go again.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you've been missing the smut, and I know I have, here's a little smut.

I didn’t go back to Yunxi’s apartment for three days. I’d thought about going back, about calling him, but I was still hurt and angry about being manipulated and I felt betrayed. But those emotions were reaching their end. I was never able to stay mad for very long and really the only things I wanted to say to him were that I loved him and I needed him desperately. 

I got sent home early from work because it was a slow night and apparently I was making everyone “fucking miserable.” Instead of going home to cry again, I decided to go to Yunxi’s and let the vast emptiness of his home swallow me whole. I didn’t expect to find him there. 

He was sitting in the spot where I had sat last, his arms resting on his knees as he turned my phone anxiously in his hands. He looked at me, clearly as shocked as I was, tears still running down his cheeks. 

“Yunxi?” I asked, as if to make sure that he was real, that it was him and not some figment of my imagination. I hurried to kneel down in front of him, placing my hands on his arms to make sure he was solid. 

He drew in a ragged breath through his tears. “You left this here,” he said quietly, turning the phone over to me. His hands, now free, moved to his face to wipe his cheeks. 

I set the phone to the side. He was pretty much the only person in the world I wanted to talk to, so it was useless now, even if it wasn’t dead. “How long have you been here?” I wondered, putting my hands on his knees. 

“About an hour. I went to your apartment, but you weren’t there. I was going to pick you up from work in a few hours, but you’re early,” he observed. 

“What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be…”

“I came for you.” He stared at me with those intense eyes, red and wet as they were. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

“Lose me?” I tried to wrap my head around his words. If there was one thing I knew, it was that I was his. In the whole universe I belonged only to him, and that’s why everything hurt so badly. I took his hands and placed them on my cheeks. I looked him straight in the eyes to tell him, “you’ll never lose me.”

“I feel like you’re slipping away,” he said, his voice cracking. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me closer to him, as if to prevent the very thing from happening. “Please don’t leave me,” he cried, uninhibitedly now. There was absolutely no shame in him, only desperation, and it filled me with guilt. I cradled his head to my shoulder and hushed him, feeling the waves of pain roll off of him and into me. He wrapped his arms around me and held on for dear life. “Do you have any idea how much it hurts when you disappear?” he asked, almost unable to speak the words through his sobs. 

I hadn’t even thought of it like that. Not really. I guess I had run on instinct. I was a flyer, not a fighter. But I had always intended to come back, in my own time. I hadn’t thought of leaving him. It was only my feelings I wanted to run from. 

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered to him over and over again as I rocked him gently, too stunned to form my own tears. He quieted a little as I stroked the back of his head. I pulled away so I could hold his face in my hands and cleared his tears with my thumbs. “Yunxi, I didn’t mean to leave you. I didn’t see that. I’m bad at this. I don’t know how to do the distance thing. But I will always be yours. And I’ll always come back,” I promised him. 

"I don't know how to do this either,” he sniffed. “Life feels completely different with you at my side, with your eyes and your hands on me. I don't know how to explain it except that it takes away my fear and loneliness. Without it, it's like dying."

"You don't have to explain," I assured him as I stroked his face. “I know.”

“I’ll do anything to make this up to you, to make it right, Meimei. Just, please, don’t leave me,” he begged again. 

It was horrible to see his pain and know that I had caused it. I could see the small, vulnerable part of himself that he kept well-hidden under his bravado and I wanted to shelter him. To show him he had a home with me, and I wasn’t going to leave. I didn’t know how to do that other than to kiss him and hold him like I’d never let him go. 

He pulled me tight against his body and suddenly I was in his lap, my fingers gripping desperately at the lapels of his wool coat. He slowly ceased crying and the weakness of his tired face slowly began to feel stronger. His lips were more forceful against mine and he latched onto my face with his hands, as if he was gaining energy from me. His tongue slid gently across my lips and I let him in, tasting him for the first time in eternity. His hands moved to entangle themselves in my hair and I finally felt warm all over my body. I could feel him from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and back up to my fingers. I pawwed at him hungrily. I was starving for him. We had started our spontaneously coordinated dance where we moved as one without any need to communicate at all. He hands flitted over all of me, unable to settle in any spot. He let his mouth wonder from my lips to my cheeks, jaw, ears, neck, collarbone; any flesh he could easily get to. He grabbed onto my hips so he could move from his position against the wall to have me on my back without creating any space between us. From above me he quickly but softly kissed my forehead and eyelids before returning his lips to mine. My hands explored all over his muscular back and sides and felt him shiver with pleasure, and I felt warm inside his coat with him. For the time being our dance had no direction, just two people lost in the feel of each other. Who knows how long we were there, but I felt older when we broke apart. He rolled over to my side and took deep breaths to replenish his lungs.

"How are you here?" I suddenly asked with my first coherent thought that wasn't just color and heat. My voice seemed to surprise both of us.

He laughed a little as he rolled back half way to prop himself up on his side. "We have two days off shooting, for the New Year, and I couldn't spend them away from you. I made up an excuse to come home. I'm supposed to be resting." 

"You need rest, and food, and relaxation," I added. "And I'm going to make sure you get it. You're staying in bed until the moment you have to leave for the airport."

"Will you be there?" His voice was tender.

"Yes."

"Then you'll get no argument from me." He laid back on the tile with his hands behind his head, looking too satisfied for someone who had been weeping uncontrollably not very long ago.

I quickly hopped up to my feet and held out my hands to help him up. He didn't protest as I led him to the bedroom. He sat on the bed to take off his shoes and I slowly began to peel off my work clothes. 

"You look like you could use a bath," he said, tracing the line between my bra strap and my skin.

I honestly could, on many levels. My whole body still felt tense from the depression of the last few weeks. I was a little sweaty from work, but not excessively. Plus there was his implied presence in the tub with me. I couldn’t help smiling at the thought of it.

"Wait one minute," he said, holding a finger up to me as he backed out of the room. I continued to remove my clothes. By the time he came back I was completely naked, and he was holding an open bottle of wine and a box of rose petals.

“What’s that for?” I wondered, licking my kiss-swollen lips. 

He gave an awkward smile I rarely saw. It was bashful. He walked slowly toward me. “I thought it might be harder to win you back, so I was going for a romantic gesture,” he shrugged. “There’s other stuff, too.”

“Are you saying I gave in too easily?” I wondered with a sly smile. 

“No!” he responded quickly, coming closer.

“What else is there?” I looked up into his eyes, directly above me.

“Chocolate.” He kissed my forehead.

“Oh?”

“And jewelry,” he whispered in my ear before kissing my neck. 

“You think I’m into that?” I asked, a little surprised. 

He kissed down to my shoulder before moving over to my other ear. “And a new set of kitchen knives, because I know you hate mine.” A hint of a laugh in his voice. 

I gasped a little. “Are you trying to bribe me?” 

“No. I’m just trying to spoil you,” he smiled. He pushed the bottle of wine into my hands. “Now, go run the bath.”

I smiled and dipped. "Shi bixia." I walked slowly to the bathtub, turned on the water, and sat in the tub as it filled. 

He reached in his pocket and pulled out a box of matches. He lit several candles around the room before switching off the lights. He came back to the tub and picked up the box of petals, took a handful and dramatically sprinkled them around the tub before throwing some in the air and letting them descend upon me. I couldn't help but giggle at how cheesy it was, yet how well it was working, too. The whole scene felt ridiculously magical. He began to strip his clothes, watching me intently the whole time to make sure my eyes were on him, which they were. I didn't dare miss a second of his seduction. Finally he stepped into the tub and turned off the water before sitting with me. I was still watching him, biting my lip. He moved through the water toward me. 

"Do you feel better?" He asked, and I nodded. He picked a petal off my hair and flicked it off to the side. 

I pulled him closer to me, my fingers desperate for his skin. He placed his hands on my neck and kissed me sweetly before drifting his hands slowly down my back to my hips and pulling me closer to him. I wrapped my legs around him so I could be as close as possible, our foreheads touching as he held me flush against his chest. It felt heavenly to be surrounded by him and the water, every inch of my skin warm and caressed. 

"I'm sorry," I said again after a minute of holding each other in silence. 

"I know. Don't think about it for now. Let's just be in this tub together." He brought me back to the moment and made me feel it. Another one of the amazing side effects of his physical presence. He kissed me to interrupt my constant stream of thought. I gave into him and held onto the moment while he held onto me. Before long I could feel his excitement growing and I pulled away from him to see the fire in his eyes. The lion had his prey in his paws and he was ready to devour me. Slowly and without breaking eye contact I slid all the way onto him and we both shivered with the ecstasy of feeling one another again. Making very slow movements, I had him shuddering beneath me. His muscles slowly relaxed, and it was like he might dissolve into the water if I wasn't there to hold him together. Maybe I was enjoying the look on his face or the fact that he was putty in my hands just a little too much. I kept him on a high wire for a long time until he stopped me, securing me to him when he was all the way inside me and keeping me motionless. He didn't open his eyes, just said, "I can't take any more. Too sensitive."

"Sorry," I whispered, trying not to laugh at myself. 

He put a wet hand over my mouth. "Don’t apologize," he said as he started to reshape himself, not quite putty anymore, but definitely not solid. As he regained better control of his muscles he opened his eyes and they were softer than I was expecting. They were full of mischief, but playful and light. "You are a very bad girl," he smiled, "and you will be punished." 

All I could do was giggle. I reached for the wine bottle on the ledge, but he grabbed my wrist and held me. He laid kisses on my wet body from my hand up toward my elbow and nibbled at the warm, plump flesh of my upper arm. I jerked as it tickled. 

"I thought you were going to spoil me," I whined, fighting his hold as I reached out again. 

"Bad girls don't get spoiled," he said against the skin of my shoulder, working his way across my collarbone. 

I humphed and pouted until he let me go, but only so he could grab both my breasts in his hands. I was able to reach the bottle with my fingertips. He let me drink, but I spilled when I laughed as he licked my nipple with his tongue. He lifted his head up to lick the wine that rolled down my chin. He took the bottle from me and took a big chug, his eyes still on me, as if I needed to be closely watched. I continued to watch him for his next move, knowing that what he wanted, what turned him on most, was my 100% attention. 

He handed the bottle to me and gently pushed my hips to set me on the edge of a seat-like shelf in the tub. Barely teetering on my perch, Yunxi ran his hands up and down my legs until he took me by the knees and slowly spread them apart, reaching his hands up my thighs until they found their territory. I could feel his fingertips pruning, but it didn't take away from the pleasure I felt at his hands. His intention was only to tease me, and he knew perfectly well how to do that. He was a master of it. After months he hadn't forgotten all the parts of me, and I knew him just as well. At one time I let my eyes close as I felt I was going to lose control of my muscles. "Look at me," he whispered and I naturally obeyed.

“I missed having you like this,” he said in a low, soft voice. “I love having you in my hands.” 

I could do nothing but moan. 

“God, you’re so beautiful like this,” he whispered as he stared into me.

"You're gonna make me cum, _bixia_ ," I whimpered on the edge of an explosion.

"That's right, I'm your king," he whispered, slowing down the movements of his fingers just to tease me more. "Are you gonna be my queen?"

I laughed a little in spite of the seriousness with which he said it. "No," I whispered back. 

He stopped completely. "Why not?"

"Too much responsibility."

He smiled. "Maybe just be my princess then?" 

I smiled back and nodded. 

His expression became serious again. "If princess wants to cum, she'll have to be good next time," he said. He removed his fingers from me and left me tense and hot. Quickly he pulled me up to stand in the water, knowing perfectly well that my legs were quivering. He grabbed a big fluffy towel and patted himself dry before he wrapped it around my shoulders. He held out a hand to help me out. I took it and let him lead me to the bedroom. He picked me up and plopped me on the bed. I could tell he didn't have the real strength to pick me up and take me where he wanted, or he probably would have just picked me out of the tub. Rather than wondering if that was because he noticed I'd put on weight since he left, I determined his weakness was due to overwork and undereating. When he leaned over me on the bed I scrunched up my face. 

"What's wrong?"

I sighed. "I don't want to ruin the mood, because I am loving it, and I’ve missed this.” I hesitated, rubbing his chest under my thumb, feeling his skin. I had _really_ missed this. “But I promised to take care of you, and I'm wondering if you've eaten. If I'd known you were coming I would have brought something." 

"Maybe if you'd had your phone on you'd have known I was coming, " he reminded me.

"Pick a fight with me about it tomorrow," I said, and he shrugged. "Did. You. Eat. Dinner?" I asked enunciating obnoxiously. 

"I ate on the plane," he said before diving in for a kiss. He stopped in his tracks when he saw my expression of doubt.

"Did you?"

"No," he admitted.

"Okay." I escaped the cage of his arms and stood up. "Dinner, then bed," I said cheerfully as I walked to his dresser to find a t-shirt. "Well, you're going to get in bed," I threw boxers and a t-shirt at him. He was raising a pout and it was going to be dramatic and adorable. "And then I'm going to bring you noodles." I slid on my panties. His expression lifted slightly at noodles, but dropped when he saw me leaving the room. He rushed to stop me. 

"But if you feed me then I will just get sleepy," he complained. 

"That's okay, you can ravage me all day tomorrow." I tried to move past him. 

"Then let me hang out with you in the kitchen," he pleaded. 

"You haven't realized it yet, but you're already sleepy. You can go lay down and rest. I'll be back very soon," I assured him in a soft voice, stroking his cheek. He did not like the shoe being on the other for when it came to who gave and who followed orders, though I was playing the matron rather than the king. I brushed his hair off his face and ran my fingertips under his jaw to his chin. "You promised you wouldn't argue," I reminded him.

He grabbed my wrist and swung it back and forth as he pouted. "You said you'd be in bed with me. If you're out there then it's irrelevant."

I sighed. "C’mon." I relented. "But you're going to take whatever I give you." He nodded and trailed after me as he hopped into the clothes I had thrown at him.

He sat on a stool at the bar and watched me as I moved familiarly around the kitchen. I knew where to find the pot and kettle and teapot. I had even stashed some instant noodles in the pantry for such a late night food emergency. It wasn't as nutritious as I would have liked, but it was better than nothing.

I knew he'd never admit it but he was definitely feeling the sleep. He slumped against the counter, head resting against his palm as he gazed at me with heavy eyes, but he perked up a little at the smell of spicy noodles. I placed them in front of him, but he looked at me innocently before eating. 

"You have to eat, too," he said in an adorably tired voice.

I restrained a chuckle but couldn't deny him, so I grabbed a pair of chopsticks and dug into his bowl, making sure he got the lion's share. At the bottom of the bowl we ended up with the same noodle, and I thought for a moment we were going to have another ridiculous movie moment on our hands. But when he saw that I had his last noodle in my mouth, he looked me straight in the eyes and slurped it out of my lips and into his mouth. I collapsed first into a writhing pile of laughter on the cold tile floor. He followed soon after, laughing just as uncontrollably. We were losing our breaths and he laid next to me as we tried to refill on air. 

"Thanks for the noodles." His eyes sparkled with tears of laughter, but they were the best kind of sincere.

"Do you feel better?" 

"I do," he admitted. "I have felt progressively better every moment I've spent with you." We both sat up and he pulled me to him so my back was to his chest and my head could rest against his shoulder. He squeezed me tight and kissed my temple and my hair before he whispered, "when we are together, I have everything I need." 

I smiled and then sighed, not wanting to think of difficult things. 

"Come on." I pulled him up and gave him a cup of relaxing tea I'd made. He took it without complaint. Soon I was able to lead him back to the bedroom and coax him under the covers. I made sure to close the curtains so he could sleep as long as possible in the morning and turned up the heat so he wouldn’t get cold. Then I got in next to him and let him hold me loosely before he fell asleep. I knew that there was a reckoning coming soon, but at that time all I chose to think of was waking up next to him and feeding him a warm bowl of congee.


	15. Chapter 15

I woke up early the next morning slightly surprised but happy to be next to Yunxi. He had the most peaceful look of deep sleep on his face and I let myself look at him for a few minutes just to enjoy being with him. His perfectly smooth skin was pale, and his lips were chapped, but he wore the hint of a smile and he looked positively angelic, if a little unwell. I slipped out of bed trying to make as little movement as possible. I went stiffly to the kitchen with the determination that I was going to restore him to good health in the limited time we had together. The only problem was the empty refrigerator. I had enough to get my congee started, but not much beyond that. I would have to go out shopping. It was early, just about the time that the vendors would just be getting to my market. I wrote a note telling him I went out for food and to go back to sleep, just in case he woke up. After I got dressed very quietly, I left the note on his chest, but I couldn't resist leaving a light kiss on his temple. "I'll be back soon," I whispered in his ear. He didn't stir but I could swear the corner of his mouth twitched like he wanted to smile. There was no one but Mr. Wu in the lobby and it was easy to hail a taxi on the uncrowded street. The winter sky was still dark. I normally never took taxis, but I didn't want to leave Yunxi for too long. 

I moved quickly through the empty market, buying up all the hearty meats and vegetables I could think of without luxuriating in the experience the way I usually did. I knew I only had maybe 24 hours with Yunxi before he was gone again, and I was buying too much food, as usual, but I would fill him up as much as possible. 

I decided to swing by my apartment for clothes since I was close by, and to take my car back. When I got to Yunxi's building and parked on the street the sun was just glinting over the city of Chengdu. Xue was surprised to see me climb out of my car with an armful of groceries, but he opened the door for me without a word. I gave him a bashful and secretive smile as I skipped into the lobby. Mr. Wu just nodded at me politely as I passed through. I felt a growing sense of joy as I rode the elevator to the top floor. Inside the apartment all the lights were still off and it was quiet. I dumped the groceries on the counter before sneaking to the bedroom to check on Yunxi. My heart felt relieved when he was still sleeping. The note I left was still on his chest, undisturbed. I picked it up carefully, but Yunxi’s hand grasped mine.

"Mei mei," he breathed, and I wasn't sure if he was just talking in his sleep.

"Shh." I brushed a piece of hair off his forehead and kissed him there. "Your breakfast isn't ready yet, so do me a favor and go back to sleep."

He moaned softly and didn't open his eyes, so I crept back to the kitchen. 

I put a pot of boiling rice on the stove and began chopping vegetables for a hearty soup. I tried to focus on the feeling of joy I felt in the elevator earlier while I worked instead of the negative thoughts that frequently consumed me lately. Just as I was dumping vegetables into the soup pot to cook I heard Yunxi cough in the other room and I could tell he was waking up. I hurried to prepare a bowl of congee for him and placed it on a tray with a pot of tea before rushing into the bedroom just as he weakly called out for me.

"I'm here," I smiled as I came to his side, armed with TLC. He sat up and smiled back at me hazily. "How do you feel?" I asked as I picked up the bowl and mixed it with a spoon. 

"Good." He reached out for the bowl, but I smacked his hand away. 

"I'll do it," I told him and blew on a spoonful before raising it to his lips. He smiled happily at my tender treatment and let me feed him. He hummed quietly at the first mouthful and his smile grew a little wider. He let me feed him for a little while before he woke up enough to start asking me questions. 

"How long have you been awake?" He wondered.

"A couple hours," I shrugged as I scraped together the remnants of the bowl and gave it to him.

"I really wanted to wake up next to you," he pouted just a little. 

I poured a cup of tea and handed it to him. "If you're a good boy and go back to sleep, then you can."

He drank and set the cup down on the bedside table. Then he whipped back the comforter and held his arm open for me. "How about you just get in here now, and we'll call it even." 

I didn't hesitate for a moment before crawling into his warm embrace. He squeezed me tightly before he realized that I was fully clothed. He pulled away a little and looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "Did you go somewhere? What are you up to?" His accusations were playful.

"I had to go to the market to get food for you, silly." He stared down at me and I could only stare back in ignorant anticipation of what he would do next. 

In a few swift motions he had thrown off the covers and pulled me down so I was on my back and he was looming above. I held my hands to my chest, watching for his next move. 

"Nope!" He said loudly and pulled at my joggers with enthusiasm.

"What are you doing?" I laughed wildly. 

"Nope! Nope!" He said as he pulled off each of my socks and tickled my feet for a moment, making my laugh even harder. Then he grabbed my hand and pulled me up into a sitting position. "Definite nope!" He said as he grabbed the hem of my sweatshirt.

"Yunxi!" I cried.

He stopped. "What?" he asked, as if he wasn't up to no good.

"Be gentle," I said calmly.

"But you told me I could ravage you today," his voice was pouty again. 

We stared each other down before I lifted my arms in the air and said "okay."

He smiled, oddly childlike, and gently lifted my sweater over my head. He calmly undid my bra and slid it off my arms. All his urgency was gone. Finally, he took off his own shirt, came back to rest against the pillows, and then pulled me gently against him and whispered, "doesn't that feel better?"

It did. The feeling of his warm skin against mine was like heaven. I pressed my face against his chest and breathed deeply. He pulled the comforter back over us and just held me contentedly for a long time.

I tried unsuccessfully to keep tumultuous thoughts at bay and just enjoy being with him, but it was too much of a struggle. There were things I had to get off my chest and others I needed to hear from him. We had to have a talk, and I was ready to get it out of the way so we could enjoy the rest of our time together. I resigned myself to it and sat up to face him.

"Yunxi, we have to talk," I told him, sadness filling my voice even though I didn't want it to.

"Do we have to?" He was trying to be cute and playful, but I had to bring him to my level.

"You know I'm the last person who wants to talk about her feelings. But if we don't, how can things get any better?" He nodded and looked at me attentively. "You go first," I urged.

He laughed a little and took my hand in both of his, giving me a small pat. “I was wrong to try to make you feel jealous. It was stupid and out of line and it will never happen again.”

“You know I don’t need you to do anything to make me feel jealous, right?” I said sadly. 

“It’s strange because you were never jealous before, when we were in school. You didn’t care who I talked to or if I did things with other girls. And it kind of drove me crazy back then. But now, I don’t want you to be jealous. You don’t need to be. There’s absolutely no other woman in the world for me.” He took my face in his hands and looked intently into my eyes. “I fell in love with you the night I met you, and I’ve never stopped. I’ve never loved anyone else. It will only ever be you,” he promised. I guess my doubt was clear on my face. “Do you know what you give me?” he asked. 

I really tried to think about it. In a world where he could have anything, what could I possibly be giving him except for trouble. I shook my head in his hands. He smiled and stroked his thumbs over my cheeks. I stared at him, wide-eyed and curious for the answer. 

“You’ve been giving it to me since you got here. Your complete attention. The way you look at me, like I really mean something to you, it makes me feel real, complete. No one else has ever made me feel that.”

I didn’t understand a word he said, but I could feel that he meant it, so I just tried to remember it and hoped I could figure it out later. 

“You’re very real to me,” I told him after a moment of thought. It was an incredibly weird thing to say, but it was right. “You bring me back to what’s real,” I admitted, wondering if he could understand or if my words were equally mysterious to him. I got my fingers around his hands and brought them down to my lap so I could study them. “But it only works when you’re beside me. I know I'm bad at communicating. It's so much easier for me to show my love through taking care of you and being with you. When I have to say them out loud all my thoughts and actions just seem cheap somehow, unimportant and not worth listening to."

He squeezed my hand. "They matter to me." He lowered his eyes. “I can’t help but feel like you’re keeping important things from me. I’m constantly afraid you’re thinking of some plan to disappear again.”

“That’s not fair, Yunxi,” I said quietly. “Before I left school my feelings about it were never secret to you. You just didn’t want to hear them. But I really didn’t have a plan. I didn’t choose the moment to leave because you were gone. It was just the moment. And I have no plan to leave you now. It’s the opposite. I’m trying desperately to find some way for us to be together forever, but it’s just so hard.” I was about to start crying and he rubbed my arms while I held my head in my hands. "I've been alone for most of my life. I used to be good at it. But now you're back in my life, and I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to be with you. _Always_."

He sucked in a big breath. “We can find a way. But…” he stopped himself. 

“What?” I looked up suddenly, afraid of what he would say next.

“I said a few months ago that I was willing to give up acting so we could be together. But I don’t think I can. Not yet. As much as I have really hated being apart from you, I’ve really been loving work. I love everything about it. And I…” he hesitated.

“Just say it.”

“I like being famous. I love my fans. I like the attention. Sometimes it’s annoying that I can’t go anywhere without being followed. And I really hate that I can’t take you places because we would be mobbed. But I still like it.” His sincerity and joy was clear in his eyes, and I understood it.

I considered his words and smiled. “I know. I always knew you would love this and be great at it. You were born to be a star, Yunxi, and I would never let you give it up.”

“But you were born to be free. And I’m not able to give that to you the way I want to. In college I made the mistake of trying to keep you caged up instead of helping you escape. Maybe if I hadn’t done that you wouldn’t have had to keep it a secret from me. I could have supported you instead of hurting you. I don’t want to lock you up in my celebrity now. I wish I could see the world with you. I don’t know how I can keep you by my side and not make you feel trapped.”

I leaned against him, resting my head in his neck. He didn’t wrap his arms around me, I guess trying to signal that his words were true. So I had to tell him, “hold me.” He obeyed, gently. “Tighter,” I insisted. I sank deeper into him as he strengthened his grip on me. “My life used to seem really simple. I was alone, but I didn’t feel it. Now, when you’re gone, it’s all I can feel. I’m afraid of burdening you with my loneliness, with my need for you. I need you to fill in all my emptiness, but I don’t want to ask too much of you. I’d rather be suffocated by your love and affection than by this loneliness, because it’s taking the air out of my lungs.”

He kissed the top of my head. “Meimei, what’s the point of being in love if you’re not going to let me take away your loneliness and fill you up? I want the responsibility. I want to carry it for the rest of my life. This is not a burden for me unless you’re suffering.”

I drew circles on his stomach with my finger. I felt lighter and my head surprisingly cleared after unburdening myself. Then one thought finally came to me. “My soup!” I shouted, surprising us both. I jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen, leaving the sound of his laughter behind me. 

The soup had been bubbling away and I turned it down to a simmer before adding a few other ingredients. As I plopped them into the pot I couldn’t help thinking about how bad an idea it was to cook almost completely naked. 

Yunxi came in a few minutes later carrying the tray from earlier. His hair was a mess and he was wearing only his boxers. I bit my lip thinking he looked incredibly sexy. He slid the tray onto the counter and approached me slowly. He ran his fingers up my arm as he walked around to stand behind me. He swept the hair off my shoulder and placed a soft kiss there. “What are you making?” he asked against my skin. He put his mouth to my shoulder and gently bit my flesh, sucking gently and creeping closer and closer to my neck. 

“Beef soup with, uh, vegetables,” I tried to order my thoughts while my skin tingled and I felt warm, wet urges in my pelvis. “I’ve got to get your strength up,” my breath was uneven.

“Is it hot?”

“Uh-of course.”

“You take such good care of me,” he breathed, placing his hands on my hips and pushing me gently toward the island counter. I placed my hands on the counter and he slid his hands up my back to gently push my chest down. I let out a small squeal as my skin met the cold stone, causing goosebumps all over my skin and making my nipples harden. His hands moved down my back to my hips again and he pushed his body against me. 

“I’ve fantasized about fucking you in this kitchen so many times,” he confessed, a husky, rough quality entering his voice. 

“Oh?” was all I could manage.

He mhm’d and his hands left me briefly while I heard the sound of elastic. Then he was gently moving my panties aside, but not removing them. He brushed his hand along my butt cheek and down between my legs, making me moan. I could feel his hard cock against my ass. 

“Can I fuck you, Princess?” he asked in a deep, sexy voice that made me instantly wetter. 

“Yes, _bixia_ ,” I whispered.

He teased my lips with the head of his cock. 

“I want to feel you inside of me,” I begged against the countertop, unable to stand the anticipation anymore. 

“You’re so bad,” he laughed very quietly before giving me what I wanted. He slid into me gently and slowly, but he wasn’t going to go easy on me. He grabbed the hair at the back of my head and pulled as he thrust himself all the way into me. His other hand grasped my shoulder and I braced myself against the countertop as he fucked me hard and fast. Typically our sexual encounters were more sensual and romantic, but this was refreshing and he was showing me how desperately he needed me physically. He let go of my hair and took me by the hips with both hands, grunting slightly as he exerted his energy to let me feel every centimeter of his desire. I enjoyed being his play thing, and as my legs started to quiver I leaned harder against the counter. It started to feel warmer the longer and harder he fucked me. I could feel my juices running down my leg and the wet sound of his cock coming in and out of me. He moaned loudly as he filled me with cum and slowed down, still giving me steady pumps until he was completely empty. He didn’t pull out of me right away but leaned his body on me for support, keeping me pressed between him and the island. 

“That was even better than I’d imagined,” he panted. 

“You’re the one who’s bad,” I told him. “You’re supposed to be in bed.”

He stood up and spun me around. He took my face in his hands, brushing the hair out of my eyes. He looked at me very seriously, but lovingly. “As long as I’m here, I’m going to be right by your side. You won’t get rid of me or leave me behind. I’m going to stick to you like glue because I don’t have a second to lose.”

“Okay,” I smiled and taking his hand, led him back to the bed. I tucked us both in and held him tight to make sure he was warm. “You don’t know how much I worry when I see you tired and weak. You have to take care of yourself.”

“But you’re so much better at it,” he smiled. 

“Xixi, I’m serious! Don’t make me worry about you.” I was getting upset. 

“Okay, okay, I promise. I’ll eat better and sleep more, okay?” He stroked my face gently to keep tears from forming. 

“Do you have a kitchen?” He nodded. “Then I’m going to teach you how to make some healthy dishes. You can’t live on salads or whatever it is you’re eating.”

“Okay,” he smiled warmly and held me tighter.

Tired from our romp, we both dozed off. I don’t know how long our nap lasted, but we were woken up by the sound of his phone ringing. He reached across me to grab it from the bedside table, looking briefly at the screen before answering. 

“Hey,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “No, I’m fine. There was flooding in my apartment so I came to take a look since we had the break.” His eyes darted to me. “I’m getting some rest.” He put the phone on speaker and covered my mouth with his hand. I smiled against his fingers. 

“I’ve got good news. They’ve confirmed you got the role. They want to start shooting March 15.” It was his agent on the other other line.

“Oh wow, okay.” He glanced at me again. “Who got the female lead?”

“It’s Qingyi,” the agent said. 

A chill went through my spine and I hoped Yunxi didn’t notice. I hadn’t seen Qingyi since the night I left school, except for freaking everywhere they had billboards of her movies   
and promotions for her concerts. 

“Okay, thanks. Is there anything else?” Yunxi was watching my face carefully as I was trying not to look at him. 

“Nope, get some rest. Don’t be late getting back to set.” The line went dead and Yunxi removed his hand from my mouth. 

I smashed my lips together and sucked them between my teeth to try to keep my thoughts contained. But that didn’t stop him from asking. 

“What do you think?”

“I didn’t know you had auditioned for something,” I said diplomatically. 

“I didn’t really. They basically offered it to me, they just wanted me to read with a few of the possible female leads.” He looked nervous.

I gave a high-pitched hmm! “So you’ve seen Qingyi recently.” It wasn’t a question. 

“Yeah,” he admitted, his eyes looking away from me.

“How is she?” I wondered, though I didn’t care.

“The same as always.”

Another high-pitched hmm!

“I can…” he started half-heartedly. 

“No. No. It’s okay. You’re both very successful, so this is bound to happen. It’s fine.” I was saying it to myself. 

“Hey, don’t worry. She’s not even as pretty as Dilraba,” he smirked. Was he trying to tease me?!

“Ugh!” I rolled my eyes and smacked him. 

He squeezed me tight and shook me hard. “Relax. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. I can’t stand her. Our characters have a love hate relationship, with a lot more on the hate. Not very much kissing.” He still had a joking tone. I was not here for it. I fell silent and I could feel myself taking heavy angry breaths. “Tell me what you’re thinking,” he said after a minute with his cheek pressed against my head. I remained silent a minute longer. “Meimei?”

“I’m coming with you,” I said finally. 

“What?”

“I’m quitting my job and I’m coming with you.”

“What? When?” His tone was a mix of shock and anticipation.

“As soon as possible,” I declared, pulled away from him.

He sighed. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“It’s the only idea I have. I can’t go on like this with so much distance between us. I need to be with you.” I was adamant. 

“Is this because you’re feeling jealous?” His tone was concerned. “I told you, you don’t need to be jealous of anyone.”

“Don’t you want me with you?” I frowned. 

“Yes, more than anything.” His eyes closed and he couldn’t help his smile

“Then there’s nothing more to worry about. We want to be together, so we will be,” I told him with a smile and my hand gently pressed to his cheek.

“But…” I stopped his mouth with a kiss. 

“End of discussion, for now.” I had set my mind on it, but I still needed to figure out the details. I knew what he knew, that I wouldn’t want to sit around being a kept woman. I also had to think of a way for us to explain it. I thought about it for a little while before I remembered the soup again. I picked up his phone to check the time, a little after noon. “Come on,” I said, ripping the covers off. I went to his dresser and found sweats for him. I put them in his hands before gathering my own clothes. He frowned at me, but reluctantly dressed himself.

I led him to the kitchen and he sat at the counter where he’d been inside me not long ago. I tasted the soup and then gave him a bowl. I watched him taste it. “How is it?” I asked. 

“You’re the best cook ever,” he said into his bowl as he greedily slurped up more. 

I smiled and pulled out a notepad and pen from the top drawer in the island. 

“Aren’t you going to come eat some with me?” He asked. I ignored him as I scribbled on the note pad. He watched me curiously until I turned it around for him to see. “What’s this?”

“My terms.”

“Terms for what?” His eyebrows knit together it the most adorably confused expression.

“To hire me as your personal chef.” I told him confidently.

A wide smile broke across his face. He abandoned the spoon and picked up the pen to write something of his own and slid the notepad back to me. 

Where I had written my monthly salary (a little less than what I made at the restaurant, where I hadn’t gotten a raise in over a year) he doubled it. I had written one night off a week and he changed it to two. My last demand was that he eat whatever I gave him, and he drew a happy looking kitten. 

“This is too much,” I said, throwing the pad on the table unhappily. 

“Don’t sell yourself short. You are actually the best cook ever.” He took another spoonful of soup. Then he stopped and looked at me. “But don’t say that to my mom.”

I laughed. “But you’re also going to be paying all of my expenses.”

“Your expenses are my expenses. It costs me nothing. Do you accept?” He looked into my eyes very seriously

I narrowed my eyes. I was doing this to make him feel good about me “working” and also to have a solid excuse for suddenly joining his entourage. I would have gladly cooked for him every day just to see him healthy and bask in his glow. I didn’t want to take advantage. I planned to spend most of my salary on food anyway. “Split the difference. That’s my final offer.”

“When can you start?” he smiled

“I think I’ll put in my two weeks notice when I go back to work, and then I’ll drive up to Hengdian. So, two weeks plus a few days?” I fiddled with the pen as I thought about it.   
Yunxi put his hand on top of mine. “Are you absolutely sure about this?” He looked deep into my eyes.

I smiled. “Yes. I’m ready to move on. This will be my new adventure.” I held out my hand for him to shake it, to make it official. He shook it and then seemed to do a little dance until he looked down into his empty bowl. 

“Can I have more?” He held the bowl out to me. I refilled it and joined him this time.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I forget that my purpose with this whole thing is basically just smut, and if something happens that vaguely resembles plot it's mostly just to get to another episode of smut. This isn't one of those times?

We spent the afternoon in the kitchen. He gave me the new knife set he had promised. He had clearly carefully remembered a random comment I’d made months ago, and that was a lot more touching than anything else. He talked to me about how the project was going while I prepared dish after dish. I abandoned the idea of “meals” and encouraged him to eat as soon as I was done with each one. He put on music and would sing along to songs he loved, or danced around me, or just chatted happily as I filled him up. 

“You know you can’t feed me this much all the time,” he said, still popping sweet and sour pork in his mouth, nevermind what he said. 

“The first priority is to make you healthy again,” I told him, leaning toward him across the counter as he fed me a piece of meat. Color had returned to his cheeks with the spicy food and a general glow was coming back to his complexion. Not to mention he had been getting more and more animated as the afternoon dragged on. He almost looked up to full power as the winter sun sank. I was greatly pleased. “Once we’re in Hengdian I will keep you on a healthy diet. I do have a master’s in nutrition, you know,” I reminded him. 

“Oh,” he responded, sheepish. 

“Besides, you already agreed to eat whatever I give you, so you can’t go back now.”

“You’re right,” he realized with a smile. “I’ll be good,” he promised.

“Are you full now?” I wondered. He’d put his chopsticks down for the first time in a while. He nodded. “Wanna watch a movie or something?”

He shook his head and I gave him a soft smile, wondering what he wanted, probably something sexual. I huffed a little laugh to myself at the thought. He didn’t mention it, just continued to look at me with a satisfied smile. 

“What?” I finally asked, curiosity getting the better of me. 

“I wanna dance with you,” he said finally. 

“I don’t know how you can think about dancing when you’ve eaten so much.” I shook my head and sighed. 

He stood up and walked around the counter to me as a cheesy, slow song came on. “Not that kind of dance,” he said, sliding one arm around my waist, pressing his hand against the small of my back and pulling me into him while the other hand gently caressed my face and brushed hair behind my ear. “I just want to hold you close and dance with you in my arms.” He smiled softly. 

I slid my hands slowly up his chest and over his shoulders on their way to the back of his neck. His hand wandered to meet the other behind my back and we swayed gently to the music, looking into each other's eyes. After a moment I felt like there was just a little too much distance between us and I brought my arms down so it was more like hugging and I rested my head against his shoulder, content. 

“I’m so happy to be yours,” he whispered against my hair. 

“All mine?” I asked quietly. 

“Only yours,” he assured me, holding me just a little tighter, possessive.

When the song ended he pulled away a little so I had to look up at him and he dipped his head to give me light kisses on my lips. 

“Are you really coming with me?” he asked between kisses.

“Do you doubt me?”

He shook his head. “I just can’t believe my luck.”

“I’m really coming. I’ll be with you until you’re sick of me,” I promised. 

“Never,” he said before kissing me a little harder, taking my head in his hands, rubbing his thumbs gently against my temples as he slipped his tongue across my lips. I let him in and he kissed me until I was lightheaded, needing air. I pulled my mouth from his, turned my head away and offered him my neck. He didn’t hesitate. He kept one hand cradling my head while the other returned to my waist and held me tight against him, his mouth, teeth and all, latched onto my neck, like a pale handsome vampire, taking what he needed from me. I don’t know if I laughed at the thought or the light tickling sensation. The sound didn’t deter him in any way. He just sucked harder, let his hand drift hungrily over my ass, down the inside of my thigh. He hooked his hand around my leg and pulled it up to his hip. Now I was really under his control, depending on him for balance. I clung to him and his other hand drifted down to grab my other leg so he could hoist me up on the countertop. He took my mouth back to his own for a few more kisses. Then he pulled back, but rubbed my thighs with his hands, making them warm. He took my hand and kissed my fingers. 

“Thank you for feeding me,” he murmured against my skin. 

“It’s my pleasure,” I smiled incandescently.

“May I have the pleasure?” he asked with playful, devious eyes.

“Of what?” I knew where he was going, but I wanted to hear him say it.

“Of pleasuring you.” He smiled wider and winked. 

I laughed. 

“What?”

“You don’t usually ask. You usually take what you want.”

“I do?” he asked, looking concerned. I nodded. “I’m sorry. I will try to be more respectful.”

I shook my head and smiled. “I know you respect me, Yunxi. You always have. I like to know that I’m what you want. And I know you’d stop if I ever asked you. But have you noticed that I’ve never said stop?” I ran the fingers of my other hand through his hair. 

“Mmm, no you haven’t,” he hummed, biting his lip. 

I gripped his hair in my fingers and pulled his head closer while I leaned forward. He gasped a little, but I don’t think it was from pain. “Because you are really good at pleasuring me,” I whispered, my lips just touching his ear. I slipped my tongue out to lick his earlobe into my mouth and pulled gently on him with my lips, eliciting a low, quiet, moaning sigh from him. “I already told you, you can do whatever you want with me. I’m yours.” Finally I pulled away and rested back with my hands against the stone countertop to see the look of surprise and amusement on his face, his tongue in his cheek and a smile on his lips. 

“Yes,” he grinned. “You’re mine.” His hands moved under my sweater, slowly pushing it up as he dragged his fingers up my sides, revealing my breasts. 

“Do you want to take it off?” I asked, trying to be helpful.

He shook his head. “Don’t want you to be cold later,” he whispered as he dipped his head to press his lips to my tender flesh. How considerate. I couldn’t help smiling. He moved his hands to my hips to pull me to the edge of the counter, giving him a better angle to press his face into my chest. He held me to him and wandered all over me. 

“Your skin is so wonderful. It makes me feel…” he hummed. “Home,” he said after a moment, and I understood what he meant. Feeling his skin was like being warm, where I was supposed to be, like everything was right with the world. He left wet, languid kisses all over, tasting me, before he was satisfied. 

He returned his lips to mine and slowly lowered my sweater back down, but then his fingers were under my waistband, tugging gently. I lifted my hips up a little so he could pull my pants off, taking my panties with them. Luckily the stone was relatively warm from sitting there for a little while. I could feel his lips curve into a smile as he let my clothes fall to the floor and rubbed my bare thighs under his hands. He dropped himself to his knees and entrenched himself between my legs. I leaned back on my elbows so I could still see his face, and I was thankful he’d let me keep my sweater on. He planted slow, loving kisses on each of my thighs as he continued to rub my legs, as if he were really trying to keep me warm. 

Eventually, he worked his way up to his main goal. He kissed gently around my lips, swollen from the anticipation of him. His tongue ran smoothly along my slit before he used it to open me up with small, pressing movements. He licked me from bottom to top a few times before his tongue probed inside of me, tasting me, bringing his lips to mine, and watching me all the while. Pulling out again, he licked up to my clit and pressed it gently with the tip of his tongue, and then swirling around me in just the right way. I couldn’t help letting my head fall back or the moans that escaped from my lips while he continued to please me in the ways he knew best. After coming I enjoyed the rush of warmth that washed over me and I didn’t realize just how complete the release was until I sat up to look at him. He stood, and took my head in his hand.

“Are you okay, Meimei?” he asked sympathetically. 

I noticed for the first time that there were tears on my face, one still streaming from my left eye, where he wiped it away with his thumb. At first I could only nod. I blotted the tears away with the back of my hand. “Just happy,” I assured him. I never cried after an orgasm. It was a first, but it wasn’t a bad thing. Yunxi smiled gently and pulled me into him, held me tight in an embrace that made me feel safe and warm, like home. 

“Take me to bed?” I asked softly against his shoulder. He helped me off the counter and led me by the hand to the bedroom. 

I undressed him slowly, like unwrapping a beautiful gift that had been put together with too much care to rip apart. I wanted to enjoy him. I wanted every moment to last a little longer, like doing things slowly could actually stretch more time out of each second. He was in no rush either, even when we were finally both naked together on his absurdly large bed. We stayed there for hours, mostly not having sex, not in the traditional sense, but rather experiencing each other’s bodies together, taking the time to enjoy every touch. Certain as I was of the very wonderful future that was awaiting us, even knowing there would be many more nights to enjoy him, I had to memorize every sensation of this one and save up the memories for the coming weeks without him. 

“I didn’t even think to ask if you had plans for tonight,” he admitted after a quiet moment when we were just holding each other in the darkness. 

“I didn’t,” I assured him. 

“Why not? A young woman like you should be having fun on New Year’s Eve.” I could hear the smile in his voice as he teased me. 

“I am having fun.”

“We could have gone to a party,” he suggested. 

“Xuanxu is having one. We could still make it.” Nothing could make me move from that spot. 

Yunxi held me tighter and breathed me in. “I wish I could take you to a party,” he sighed. 

“I know. But I’m having a better time here anyway. I think my favorite part was always when you made up some reason to drag me away and pull me back into our own little world," I remembered. "I think back then I only went out as much as I did so I could see you and maybe to be seen by you. You were the first person whose attention I actually wanted." To all my memories and revelations his only response was to kiss my nose and hold me closer. 

We fell asleep well before midnight, entangled with each other, woven together.

When I woke up the next morning the sky was just turning gray. My head was tucked under Yunxi’s chin, so I couldn’t tell if he was still asleep, but his breathing was deep and steady. I tried to carefully extricate myself from his limbs. 

“Don’t you dare,” he said clearly, locking me in. 

“I just-”

“I’m not hungry. The only thing I want on my last morning here is you.”

“I actually just need to go to the bathroom,” I chuckled. 

He hesitated for a moment. “Can you hold it a few more minutes?”

I smiled, even though he couldn’t see me, and closed my eyes. “Sure,” I said, relaxing into him again. I let him hold me for a few more minutes until I really couldn’t anymore. “Yunxi?” I asked tentatively. He loosened his grip on me and let me roll away from him. 

“Hurry back,” he said softly. 

After washing my hands and my face I did hurry back, anxious to escape the cold air against my naked body and find his warmth again. He welcomed me back excitedly but balked at my cold toes on him. 

“Ah! Get them away from me!” he cried, trying to escape me.

“No, you have to warm them back up for me,” I insisted, seeking him out with my feet. 

“So cold!”

“You won’t do this for me?” I pouted. He narrowed his eyes at me and stopped moving away, grudgingly letting me warm my toes on him. He hmphed as he pulled the rest of my body against him. “Hey!” I laughed as he poked me, involuntarily or not, with his morning wood. 

“Hey yourself,” he smiled, rubbing himself against my stomach. 

“So horny.” I shook my head in false admonishment. 

“Me? Horny? I haven’t fucked you in like...at least eight hours?” he defended after glancing over his shoulder at the bedside clock. 

“What? You want, like, a prize or something?” I teased.   
He gave me a look that said I was gonna pay for my sarcasm, and I was gonna like it.   
“Yes. I’ll take you.” 

Roughly, Yunxi rolled me 270 degrees over onto my stomach and pushed his weight on top of me. He brushed the hair away and kissed my neck and my shoulders, revisiting places he’d been last night. Propped up on one elbow, his hands slid under me, one grabbing a breast and the other probing into his territory. His fingers slipped between my legs, rubbing gently over my lips. 

“You’re still wet for me, Princess,” he breathed over my spine. 

“ _Shi bixia_ ,” I moaned into the sheets as his fingers worked over my clit. Just when he had me shaking and whimpering he slid into me, slowly, letting out a low moan as he did so. He continued to rub my clit while he moved in and out of me until I was coming hard on his cock. He moaned my name as he removed his hand and held himself up to give himself more leverage so I could feel more of him. I couldn’t form words while my pleasure multiplied with each stroke. I was nothing more than a sweating, moaning puddle beneath and he didn’t seem to mind at all as he melted into me until he had his own orgasm and collapsed on top of me. He wrapped his arms around me and rolled us both over to lay on our sides. 

“God, I’m gonna miss you,” he panted. 

I turned myself around in his arms so I could kiss him. “Miss me when you’re gone,” I reminded him. He hummed and smiled with his eyes closed. “When do you have to go?” I asked after he’d stabilized. 

“Flight’s at five,” he sighed, a little annoyed, but I wasn’t sure if it was my question or having to leave that bothered him. 

“Then we’ve got lots of time,” I whispered and wrapped myself around him, locking him in with my legs. “You sure you’re not hungry?” I asked as I ran my fingers through his hair in a repetitive motion. He shook his head and watched my face as my mind slipped to boring things, like did he usually eat breakfast. 

He answered some mundane questions of mine as I let myself think about feeding him like it was work, which it would be soon. We talked over a few particulars and fooled around a little more, because we had to get our fill. Eventually he let me make lunch for him, and sooner than either of us were ready for, it was time for him to leave for the airport. 

He took a deep breath and let it go as he hugged me one last time, his chest rising and falling against mine. “It’s just a couple of weeks,” he sighed, but I wasn’t sure he was saying it for me and not himself. 

“Just a couple of weeks,” I echoed. “I’ll be there in no time.”

“I love you,” he said before kissing my forehead and turning toward the door, a hint of sadness around his eyes. He hadn’t even brought a suitcase. I felt suddenly how condensed the time we’d had really was, even though I’d lengthened it out as long as I could, like a stretchy piece of dough, I couldn’t make it more than it was. 

“Take care of yourself, please,” I called after him and he smiled, knowing that meant 'I love you too,' just before the door closed. I was alone again, but I refused to let myself feel it. I had too many things to do and I was determined that two weeks was going to fly by. Just like I’d made two days--not even--seem like weeks I planned to compress two weeks into the blink of an eye.

There was actually plenty to do with the time I had left in Chengdu. I had conveniently failed to renew the lease on my apartment, hoping secretly that I could find some way to move in with Yunxi. Not because I particularly wanted to live in his massive and completely ridiculous apartment, but just because I wanted to take up real space in his life. It wasn’t even a plan, just a thought I had every time the management office approached me about the issue. _But what if Yunxi asks me to move in?_ And I liked the idea of it, so I continuously put it off and now my lease was going to be up at the end of January. And Yunxi of course had agreed that it made the most sense for me to move my things into his place. I felt slightly guilty for weaseling my way into it--I mean, he hadn't _actually_ asked me--but, I told myself to believe that he was happy with it and so I would be happy about it too.   
There really wasn't that much packing to do. Xuanxu had been right when he said I didn't get attached to what's. I didn't have many things. Mostly clothes and pots and pans and other kitchen odds and ends. Some of it could be gotten rid of, donated. 

It was actually a little startling to see how easily my life could be packed up into just a handful of boxes and transported across town. Even the furniture had come with the apartment and wouldn't be coming with me. It dawned on me how much of my life was really just about work.

And still, that wasn't all that difficult to let go of. It helped that Chef Chiang had been a total asshole recently. He didn't take the news very well though. 

"You're not leaving," he said dismissively. "Where would you go?"

We were in his office. I'd asked for a minute of his time before the dinner rush started on the first day I went back in the New Year.

"I am leaving. I got an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. I'm sorry." I wasn't sorry. Not even a little. 

Chef Chiang stopped to look at me. "I plucked you out of culinary school and brought you here. And now you're just going to leave?" He said, as if I were committing some great act of betrayal. "Where would you even go?" He asked arrogantly. After all, his was the best restaurant in town, or so he believed.

"I am very appreciative of what you have done for me. I don't mean to be ungrateful. But someone has asked me to be their personal chef, and I've agreed. I'm leaving in two weeks," I told him confidently. 

"Personal Chef? You would rather work for some rich schmuck than for the greatest Sichuan restaurant in all of China?" 

I tried not to roll my eyes. _He's not a schmuck_ , I wanted to say, but it really didn't seem necessary, so I said nothing.

"Fine. You can go," he said finally, like I'd been asking for his permission instead of telling him. Again I had to resist an eye roll and just bowed and thanked him instead.

"What rich guy are you working for?" Xuanxu asked later, after Chef Chiang had left for the evening. Word must have been getting around.

"I can't tell you," I admitted, although there was definitely a part of me that wanted to gush with him about the whole thing. I'd always wanted to, but he was such a horrible gossip.

"You really are a terrible friend, you know. You never give me anything, and now you're leaving."

"I know. I'm the worst." Xuanxu was a keen observer, and I never really understood why he loved to turn his eye to the secrets people wanted to keep hidden, but I knew he remembered all the way back to that night in September when Yunxi and I first reunited. Xuanxu had always kept it in mind and some conspiracy, that was completely right now, had brewed in his mind. I just knew it. I sighed. "Xuanxu, whatever you're thinking, you're probably right. And you know I'll never admit it. So just remember that I am a bad friend who really likes her privacy." I put my hand on his shoulder. "And that you're the only thing I'm going to miss from this place." 

"I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, " he feigned. At least I hoped he was feigning. He smiled. "I'll keep your little secret," he promised. 

When I went to donate some of my things, I found myself in a neighborhood I never went to anymore. I don't know if I'd really not realized where the place was located or if I'd chosen it subconsciously to bring myself here. Whatever the reason when I realized I was on a familiar street I stopped in front of my old house. My dad still lived there. I could've gone in. I should've. There were plenty of things my dad and I both needed to say to each other, even if I wasn't totally aware of them in the moment I had parked in front of his house. It had been years since we talked. How many? More than my time at House of Chiang. A long time. I had the most vague feeling that I should thank him. That in several ways that were never his intention my life had turned out alright because of his choices. But when I looked at the steps leading up to the front door dozens of memories flooded back to me and not a single one of them was pleasant. Before I could let them sink in, before I could start to cry, I drove off. I completed my mission and I returned to Yunxi's--now our--apartment.

Yunxi had gotten me access to the garage and I was now officially a resident and not a guest, and Mr. Wang and Mr. Xue were all dutifully discrete about it, helpful and polite as always, as I moved my things into the penthouse apartment. 

I barely had time to get used to that before my time was up and I was taking off in my car to Hengdian, starting what felt like a whole new life.


	17. Chapter 17

It took three days to drive to Hengdian, and I arrived exhausted, but excited. Mr. Wang met me in the lobby of the hotel/apartment building.

"Did you bring your own wok?" he asked after taking the cumbersome box of pots and pans and cooking utensils from under my arm.

"Of course." What a ridiculous question. 

Wang smiled and led me to the elevator and up to Yunxi's suite. 

He was waiting near the door. It reminded me of the first time I went to his apartment in Chengdu. He was eager, like he hadn't seen me in ten years instead of two weeks. He smiled. That perfect smile of his that lit up his eyes and set all his features just right. It was impossible not to smile back. I pulled my suitcase in behind me, but before I could approach him I noticed someone else in the room, sitting at the table. I paused to look at her. She looked to be a few years younger than me. She was short and cute, but plain and unassuming. Yunxi followed my gaze.

"Oh. This is Hua Ling, my assistant," he said absently.

Hua Ling looked up from her phone and waved. "Hello."

"Hi," I responded with a sleepy smile.

"Hua Ling knows everything. She usually knows more about my life than I do. She will send you a copy of my schedule...tomorrow," Yunxi smiled. Hua Ling took the hint and got up from her seat at the table.

"Goodnight," she sang as she left the room grinning. Wang put my box on the kitchen counter and left, too.

The door closed and Yunxi crossed the space between us in a few short steps. He didn't say anything, just wrapped his arms around me and held me close for a moment. I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed him tight, melting into him.

"How are you?" he asked finally.

"Tired," I mumbled slowly, rubbing my face into his soft t-shirt.

"Did you eat? I ordered some food, if you're hungry." He gestured toward the table and led me to a seat.

I honestly just wanted to collapse, but I was hungry and I knew if I laid down I would fall asleep, so at least sitting at the table would give me a little time with him. "I'm supposed to be cooking for you," I told him, picking at the food.

"You can start tomorrow. Or the next day," he shrugged. "Whenever you're ready. I'm just glad you're here."

"So am I." 

"Really, Meilin." He took my free hand and squeezed it. "Thank you for coming all this way for me. It couldn't have been easy for you." He rubbed small circles around my knuckles, and I almost got lost in the rhythm and the pleasure of it, but he looked into my eyes and brought me back.

"I'd go anywhere to be with you Xixi. A few days of driving is nothing." He didn't seem to understand that it was at least fifty percent for my own benefit, but I was too tired to explain that. I ate a little more before yawning. "I'm really tired. I'm going to go wash up and get ready for bed." I got up and grabbed my bag. "Bathroom's this way?" I asked and he nodded silently.

I washed my face and brushed my teeth and changed into some comfy clothes. By the time I came out he had cleaned up the kitchen and was waiting for me by the bed. I crawled under the covers and he followed me, taking me into his arms. 

"Are you comfortable?" he asked. I looked up at him, eyes heavy. "What?" he wondered, I guess after I'd been staring at him for a long time. 

"Has anyone ever told you you're really handsome?"

He laughed. "A few times. But I don't get tired of hearing it."

I smiled. "I bet you don't." I let my eyes close and seconds passed before I fell asleep, content in his arms.

I was pretty sure it was still dark out. There was no light in the room. I wasn't in Yunxi's arms anymore. Had I only dreamed I was with him? No. His lips had pressed against my forehead.

"I have to go to work," he whispered when I stirred. "Take it easy today and rest. Text me later." He was already leaving, and he had left all the lights off so he wouldn't wake me. How was he always so sweet? I groaned, but I couldn't form any words. "Go back to sleep," he whispered, kissing my forehead again. I closed my eyes and fell asleep after I heard the door latch.

I woke up hours later, when the room was filled with light. I found my phone charging on the nightstand and a wechat request from Hua Ling. I accepted and a minute later I got a file with the schedule for the week. Early mornings and a couple of late evenings. We had agreed that if he wasn't going to eat breakfast, and he insisted he wouldn't, that he'd have to eat lunch and dinner. But it was already past ten and I probably wasn't going to make that happen today. Besides I suddenly had the feeling that I had no real sense of where I was. I was in a hotel room, and beyond that I might as well have been in a totally different world. I needed to get my bearings. I needed to find a market or a grocery store. I had to leave town to find a proper store. I missed my old market. I might not have had lunch but I had dinner.

Yunxi, Wang and Hua Ling all walked in a little after six.

"I thought I told you to rest," Yunxi grinned when he saw dinner on the table.

I shrugged. "It was nothing."

"I'm gonna go wash up. Be right back." And he disappeared into the bedroom.

"Do you need anything?" Wang asked, looking like he was heading for the door. 

"I just need you to come eat some dinner," I said, gesturing to the full table.

"I--what? Really?" He seemed surprised. 

"Yeah. Come on. Both of you, please."

Wang and Hua Ling looked at each other and then at me, and then they both sat.

"You don't have to do this," Wang said as he looked at the food in front of him. 

I sat. "I know you both probably had to do a lot, make some changes for this to happen. I know there will be a lot of adjustments with me here. You've both probably spent more time with him than I have, but I guess we'll be spending quite a bit of time together now, too. So I just want to show my appreciation."

Yunxi came around the corner then. And he looked surprised. "Are you joining us?" he asked, looking at his other two employees. 

"I insisted. I hope that's okay."

"Yeah. Of course. I mean, we eat dinner together most of the time." He shrugged and sat to my right.

"Okay. Dig in," I instructed, and they didn't hesitate.

“Oh, wow,” Hua Ling said. “You are actually a really great chef.”

Yunxi gave her a weird look. “I’ve told you that like a million times!”

“Yeah, but I thought you were just being nice.”

Yunxi shook his head and laughed. 

“Hua Ling, where are you from?” I wondered, trying to make conversation. 

“Beijing,” she responded between mouthfuls. 

“How did you come to work for Yunxi?”

“I was hired by the agency. It was supposed to be a temp thing, but it’s been, what, two years now?”

I nodded, processing. “We’ll have to find some time to talk, so you can help me figure out how to take care of him,” I smiled. 

“Sure. He’s pretty helpless,” she grinned. 

“I’m sitting right here,” Yunxi complained. I patted his knee and gave him an eye-crinkling smile. 

After dinner Yunxi went to take a shower and I got a moment to talk to Hua Ling while she helped me with the dishes. I told her it was unnecessary, but it seemed like she wanted to have a conversation with me, too. 

“So, you’re the one?” she said simply. 

“Hm?” I was a little surprised she had started the conversion, and that it was starting like that. 

“You’re the one he’s been waiting for,” she explained. 

“I guess.” I mean, I was more or less aware of that. That’s what he had said. But I wasn’t expecting her to have thought that. 

“He’s never shown the slightest interest in anyone. I mean, he has a sort of flirtatious personality, and people are drawn to him, but I always got the feeling that he had someone he cared about, even though he never talked about it. So, I’m glad you’re here. Just, promise you won’t hurt him. He’s a good guy.”

“I know,” I smiled. “The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt him. I’m glad you’re looking out for him though. I really appreciate it.”

“Just doing my job,” she shrugged. It was clearly more that than, but I didn’t dig too deep into that thought. It was enough that his well being was important to her. 

I thanked her for her help when we were finished cleaning, and she left before Yunxi got out of the shower. I was waiting for him on the bed, and he came out with a towel wrapped around his hips and another rubbing his hair dry. 

“Now, that’s a sight for sore eyes,” I commented, looking him up and down. 

He grinned. “You didn’t have to do that tonight,” he told me as he sat beside me on the bed. 

“I want them to like me. Food is how I get people to like me.”

“Since when do you care if people like you?” he wondered. 

“Who doesn’t want to be liked?” I replied, rhetorically. 

“You never seemed to care before.”

“Well, I didn’t. But I didn’t think those people mattered. These are your people, so of course I want them to like me.” I was actually incredibly nervous about it. I suddenly felt out of my element. Before, Yunxi and I had separated our work lives from our private world, but it was all blending together now, and it felt a little like the ground was shifting beneath my feet. I hadn’t anticipated it properly. 

“Oh, by the way, I want to have Dilraba for dinner sometime,” I told him. 

“Why?” he wondered, although he didn’t sound opposed to the idea. 

“To be honest, she’s one of about three people who knows about us, and it would just be nice to be a couple having dinner with a friend. It’s probably dumb, but…”

“It’s not. I’m sure she’d be delighted. I’ll ask her when’s a good time for her.” He kissed my nose. 

“Hua Ling seems nice,” I commented after a quiet moment. 

“She is. You can trust her,” he promised, looking me in the eyes. 

“Oh. I hadn’t even thought about it. I’ll trust whoever you trust. But how come you never mentioned her before? Why wasn't she around? ” 

He sighed a little. “When we first met again in Chengdu she was on vacation. A very well earned one. Her sister had just had a baby and she went to visit. And then after, well, to be honest I wasn't sure how long I was going to have with you. I didn't know what was going to happen when I left, and I was just enjoying our own little world. I wanted to keep it ours for as long as possible, so I extended her vacation. Contrary to what she believes, I can actually survive without her, but I also had you, so...You’re not worried about something else, are you?” he wondered, sounding a little concerned. 

“No. Not worried. It’s just a little strange…” I looked at my hands. 

“What is?” he asked, brushing back my hair when it fell in front of my face. 

“Nothing. It's just that in my head we’ve known each other for a long time, but really it’s just been a long time since we’ve known each other. And really, we haven’t gotten to spend that much time together. So it’s strange that she’s known you longer than I have,” I admitted. 

“I guess that’s true, in a sense,” he laughed a little, took one of my hands in his and scooted closer to me so his face was only inches from mine. “But in a big picture sense, I feel like I’ve known you for lifetimes. And in this lifetime, I’m going to grow old and grey with you. Our time will outweigh all others,” he assured me, smiling. Looking into his eyes, I knew he meant it. He would do anything to make sure it turned out that way. He closed the space between our lips and kissed me sweetly. 

“Do you think I’ll be pretty when I’m grey?” I asked between kisses.

He pushed me back onto the bed and leaned over me, his hands trapping my wrists above his head. “You will always be the most beautiful woman I have or ever will see,” he promised and kissed me again. His lips drifted over my jaw and down to my neck as he kept me held there, unable to touch him. He nibbled hungrily at me until he suddenly stopped. Yunxi pulled back to look at my collar bone and let go of me so he could gently trace the line of the metal chain that had caught his attention. 

“Is this…” he began and I nodded. “You still have the necklace I gave you for your birthday ten years ago?”

“It’s almost eleven,” I corrected. “But yeah. It’s kind of a miracle. I almost never wear jewelry and I usually lose it when I do. I’ve just been keeping it tucked away safely all this time, but I came across it while I was packing, and I’ve been wearing it ever since.”

Yunxi smiled gently at me and his eyes seemed to water. Then he cleared his throat. “I’ll get you something nicer this year,” he promised. 

I shook my head. “This is very nice for me, thank you very much. And I’m really not a jewelry kind of girl.”

“Well, fine, just make it hard on me then,” he sighed dramatically. 

I pressed my hand against his cheek. “I just want you. Nothing else.”

He gave me a quick peck on the lips. “Don’t be upset if that’s all you get,” he said, like it was a threat. He hummed as he returned to my neck and his hand slipped under my sweater, gripping the skin of my hip. He dipped his head down to lay kisses on my stomach. With a little forceful effort and a little help from me, he was able to remove my clothes so we were both naked. “I missed you so much,” he growled against my flesh. 

“I missed you, too.”

“I missed your skin,” he mumbled between mouthfuls of my breast. “I missed your hands,” he said as he intertwined our fingers. 

“You only love me for my body,” I complained, but it came out as a moan while he teased my nipple with his tongue. 

Suddenly his face was above mine again, his eyes serious for a moment. “I do not. I love your mind and your heart above all else.” Then he looked down at my body meeting his and he grinned devilishly. “But I can’t get your body over the phone. And there is something about feeling you that is just…” He pulled me tight against him and rolled over so that I was on top. “Addictive,” he sighed. 

I kissed him, light and tantalizing so his lips strained to reach mine, and let my tongue out to lick them. Slowly, I slid onto him and watched his eyes close as he felt my warm, wet pussy wrap around him, uniting the two of us in just the way he had hoped for. He let me find my rhythm, but when I pulled my chest up he couldn’t stand the distance and sat up to wrap his arms around me, his face buried happily in my bosom. 

I ran my fingers through his still damp hair and pulled his head back so I could look into his dark, hungry eyes. " _Bixia_ " I moaned, just above a whisper, as he reached the deepest parts of me and filled me with pleasure.

He turned us over again and held me down by my hips so he could fuck me into the bed. He came quietly, but I could see it was intense. He leaned down to cage me in his arms and a bead of sweat rolled off his chin onto my cheek.

"Sorry," he said, wiping it away. 

I couldn't help but laugh. "It’s okay. You worked hard."

"I did!" He laughed in response. We kissed, still laughing until he was shaking in my arms, amused just to be together.


	18. Chapter 18

I woke up in the morning to Yunxi’s yelp. He must have stubbed his toe on something in the dark judging by the wincing he was doing. I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes. 

“You can turn on the light, Xixi,” I mumbled. 

“Shh. Go back to sleep,” he hushed. 

“Yunxi, it’s not worth hurting yourself over.” I leaned over and felt around until I found the switch that turned on the lamp. He was in his boxers, looking for his clothes.

“I don’t want to bother you,” he said, sitting on the bed beside me for a moment. 

“I can get up with you, or I can sleep through it. It really doesn’t matter.”

He kissed me quickly. “It’s five in the morning,” he told me. 

I flopped back onto my pillow and pulled the covers up. “I can sleep through it.”

He laughed and finished getting dressed. “I’ll see you later,” he said a few minutes after, kissing my forehead. 

“I’ll bring you lunch,” I smiled sleepily. 

“Oh, right. I left your pass on the table in the kitchen. See you then.”

I did manage to fall back asleep and still wake up in time to make them lunch. I had bought bento boxes the day before and brought them to the set. Hua Ling met me and led me through the maze of sets, equipment and trailers. When we got to Yunxi’s trailer he was sitting at a small table, still in costume, looking at his phone. I stopped in my tracks as he looked up at me. 

“What?” he asked after a moment had passed. 

I shook my head to bring myself out of my momentary daze. “It was the wig,” I mumbled. 

“What?” he asked again. 

“I’ve never seen you with the wig. Well not in person. It’s different from through the screen,” I chuckled. He gave me a strange look. I bent over to kiss his cheek and whispered in his ear, “I like it.” When I pulled back he had one eyebrow raised, giving me an alluring look. I distributed their lunches. “Did you ask Dilraba about dinner?” I asked after he’d begun eating. 

“Yeah. She said tomorrow would be good, if that’s alright with you,” he replied with his mouth full. 

“Perfect. I can’t wait. I’m going to try out some new dishes,” I grinned. 

“Then I think we can all be excited,” Yunxi smiled back. 

I was meticulous in my preparations. I wanted to give her a taste of home, if I could. I had picked up a couple of Xinjiang dishes over the years. I even found a butcher who claimed his products were halal. I don’t know exactly why it was important to me, but I enjoyed the challenge of trying something new. When Yunxi got home he tried to grab one of my kebabs before it was done cooking. I had to slap his hand away. 

“You have to wait.” It was like talking to a five year old. 

“But I’m hungry,” he whined. Yep. A child. He shouldn’t have been, since I’d fed him earlier. 

“Have some bread,” I told him, waving him toward the table. He complied and sat, ripping off a piece of nan and stuffing it in his mouth. 

“It smells so good,” he continued to whine. 

A couple minutes later Hua Ling and Wang came in and tried to pull the same stunt as Yunxi. “Hey!” I had to yell at them as they tried to get in on my kebabs. I handed them a couple of trays. “I’m not trying to be rude, but I made this for you to take to your rooms tonight.” They both shrugged, not complaining as long as they were getting fed, and left. 

Right on time there was a knock on the door and Yunxi answered to let Dilraba in. She was even prettier in person, but somehow taller than I’d expected, just a few inches shorter than Yunxi, but much taller than me. Her smile was bright and sweet, and she filled up the room. 

“Meilin!” she smiled, and hugged me immediately. “It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

“You, too. I can’t believe you’re here,” I admitted, a little sheepish. I knew she was coming, but holy crap Dilraba was in what was basically my kitchen, such as it was, and that was just a little nuts. 

Something caught the attention of her nose and she looked around. “Is that nan?”

I nodded. “Please, come sit. I’m almost done.” I invited her to a chair at our small table. Dilraba Dilmurat and Luo Yunxi were sitting across the table from each other in my kitchen, about to eat my food. I felt a little light headed, but I had to get control of myself. I checked the last of the kebabs that were cooking, almost blasphemous, on the cheap electric stove--I was doing the best I could with what I had to work with--and then moved them to a plate and brought it to my diners. 

Dilraba looked over the table. “Did you...Did you make all these dishes just for me?” she wondered. 

“Well, I tried. It’s been a long time since I made polu, so I hope it’s good. And I had to make the kebabs on the stove, which just feels so wrong. And I actually didn’t know if you eat meat, so I made a whole bunch of veggies, too.”

She breathed in deep. “It smells like home,” she sighed.

My heart skipped. “Please, dig in,” I told her, grinning ear to ear, and she didn’t hesitate. 

“I can see why you love her,” Dilraba said to Yunxi as we began eating. 

“Everyone says that, but she didn’t even cook for me until a few months ago,” he said. 

“How did you meet?” she wondered, scarcely looking up from her food. I guess Yunxi hadn’t told her that much about me. 

“A long time ago, back when we were at Shanghai,” I said, since he seemed too busy with his food. 

“You went to Shanghai, too?” she asked, surprised. 

“For a little while. You and I would have spent some time together there, if I hadn’t dropped out,” I admitted. 

“You dropped out to become a chef?” she wondered. 

“You could say that.” 

“I think you made the right choice.” She covered her smile politely. 

“Me, too,”

“Me, three,” Yunxi agreed, giving my leg a squeeze. 

It was a little awkward at first, trying to make conversation with two of the most famous actors in all of China, but she started to seem almost normal after I asked her about her family. They told me stories about funny things that had happened on set, and a couple of hours slipped by quickly. 

When she was about to leave she sighed. “Well, I don’t know if this is going to make tomorrow better or worse,” she said, looking at Yunxi. He shrugged. 

“What’s tomorrow?” I asked, ignorantly. 

“Um, we have a kiss tomorrow. It’s not a big deal,” he said, giving me a look. I remembered several months ago when we showed me in his bathroom at home what it was like to do a TV kiss. 

“Oh. No worries. Business as usual, right?” I smiled, forcefully squashing down any residual feelings of jealousy that crept up. 

“Absolutely. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make it weird,” she apologized as she got up from her seat. 

“Don’t worry about it.” I waved her off. 

“Thanks again for dinner. That was really amazing, and so thoughtful of you.” She gave me another hug before we said goodnight and Yunxi let her back out the door. 

He helped me clear the table while I started to do the dishes. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his lips against my ear. “There’s really nothing to worry about,” he promised in a quiet voice. 

I turned off the water and turned around so I could look at him. “I know,” I smiled. “I’m really not worried,” I assured him. 

“Good.” He kissed my forehead and went off to do his skincare routine while I finished up. 

When I brought lunch the next day I was able to find Yunxi’s trailer on my own. I’d actually beat the three of them there and sat at the tiny table waiting for them. 

Yunxi was surprised to see me there when he came in. “Guys, can you give us a minute. Or ten?” he said over his shoulder to Hua Ling and Wang. They shared a look and left. Yunxi looked back at me seriously, peaking my curiosity. He took my hand and pulled me up from my chair until my body was flush against his. His eyes locked onto mine and he held me tight with an arm around my back. Slowly he lowered his lips to mine and kissed me, slow and gentle at first, but it quickly became more passionate, more consuming. His tongue pushed past my lips. He didn’t let go until we were both breathless. 

“What was that for?” I asked after he released me. 

“I just wanted to remind you what I will _not_ be doing this afternoon,” he smiled. 

I narrowed my eyes at him. “I think you just wanted to kiss me.”

“Yeah, mostly that. But…”

“What?”

“I don’t know. I’m kind of regretting it. It was too good. I want to do other stuff now,” he admitted. 

I laughed out loud. “Got yourself all worked up, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I did. You didn’t?”

I shrugged. That was the wrong answer, and I knew it. He pulled me close again. 

“I’ll try harder,” he said and kissed me again. 

“So, it’s this afternoon?” I asked after he was satisfied. 

“Yeah.” He had moved on from the moment and was now digging in my bag for his lunch. 

“Good. I gave you extra garlic and onions,” I teased and poked my head out of the trailer door to see if Hua Ling and Wang were hanging around. They had gone a safe distance away, but still within view, so I waved them in. 

It was amazing how quickly we found our routine, or maybe how quickly I fell into theirs. I had thought it would take a lot more getting used to, having the two of them not far behind Yunxi at almost all times until he dismissed them so we could have alone time, but it was surprisingly easy. A couple of weeks slipped away quickly and the end of the shoot was coming up sooner than I’d expected. 

“Monday is your night off,” Yunxi ordered on a Friday. 

“What’s happening Monday?” I wondered, absentmindedly doing the dishes. 

“It’s your birthday,” he said incredulously, like he couldn’t believe I’d forgotten.

“Oh, right. So?” I’d never been big into celebrating my birthday. 

“It’s the first birthday I’m going to be able to spend with you,” he reminded me. “I’m not going to make you work for me on your birthday, silly girl.”

“What if I want to cook on my birthday?” I asked. 

“Too bad.” He crossed his arms. “I’m going to treat you.”

“Okay,” I shrugged. “Whatever you say, sir.”

He did not appreciate my joke, or my lack of enthusiasm. He was still standing with his arms crossed, staring at me when I turned off the water and dried my hands. “You really don’t care about your birthday?”

I shrugged again. “It’s just a day. I’ve never really celebrated it.”

“This is unacceptable.” He shook his head. 

“What’s the big deal?” I couldn’t understand why it meant so much to him when it didn’t mean anything to me. My mom used to celebrate my birthday before she left, and after that a call from her was usually the most acknowledgement that it got, even if she usually messed up the time change. The necklace Yunxi had given me was one of the only gifts I’d ever actually received. For whatever reason, my father just never felt that it was an important thing.

Yunxi wrapped his arms around me. “Meilin, it’s the day you were born. The day my beautiful, brilliant, incredible Meilin was brought into the world. How could we not celebrate?”

“Whatever makes you happy,” I chuckled. 

“Your dad really never celebrated your birthday?” For some reason he looked pained and confused by the notion. I shook my head. “I’m going to make you feel so special,” he said, determined. 

“Yunxi, you make me feel special every day,” I told him. 

“Well, then I’m going to have to have to work extra hard.” His expression turned serious as he started to plot. 

I felt Yunxi’s lips against my cheek. “Happy birthday,” he whispered. 

“Starting early?” I groaned. 

“Mhm. I wish I could spend the whole day with you. But I’ve got plans,” he grinned. 

“I told you, you don’t have to do anything,” I yawned. 

“And I told you that that wasn’t going to happen. So, I scheduled you for a spa day. You just relax all day long, and by the time you get back I’ll have dinner ready for you,” he smiled sweetly. 

“You’re going to make dinner for me?” I looked at him skeptically. 

“Er. Yeah...You’ll see.”

“And I have to start right now?”

“No. You can go back to sleep. I left the information on the table. I just wanted to say Happy Birthday before I left for work. Sleep. Sleep.” He patted my head and tucked the blanket around me. 

“Thanks, Xixi. It’s already the best birthday ever. I love you,” I said, my eyes already closing. 

The day was actually really nice and relaxing, not that I had anything in my life that was stressful. I had been having a brief period of total bliss without any worries. It was a blessing, and yet Yunxi always found a way to make it better. Monday on his schedule had been mysteriously blacked out, and Hua Ling refused to tell me what he was planning, so I didn’t know what I was going to walk into when I arrived home. 

“Happy Birthday!” They yelled as soon as I opened the door. Dilraba threw paper confetti into the air. Wang and Hua Ling were smiling behind the table set up for the hotpot. Yunxi was in the middle of it all, grinning ear to ear.

Among the things I had tried to imagine him doing, a small party with friends hadn’t even crossed my mind. It was perfect. I felt my eyes water. 

“Are you surprised?” Yunxi asked, hugging me. I nodded. “What?” he asked, catching my teary eyes. 

“I’ve never had a birthday party before,” I admitted. 

He took my hand and squeezed it. “And you still get to cook!” he laughed, gesturing to the table. I sat in my regular chair and Dilraba put a plastic tiara on my head. 

“Thank you, guys. You didn’t have to do all this,” I smiled, still trying to blink back my tears. 

“Of course we should celebrate your birthday. Don’t be crazy,” Dilraba said. 

“I really appreciate it. Let’s eat!”

After eating and talking for a couple of hours I was amazed to find out there were still gifts and cake. Hua Ling had gotten me a cake with fondant and little figure on top made to look like me, little chef hat and all. 

“I don’t think I can eat it!” I cried. It was too adorable. I went to get my phone from my purse and had Yunxi take a picture of me with a cake. Then we took a group selfie that I planned to keep just for myself. We had cake, and then everyone went back to their rooms soon after. 

“Thank you for everything today,” I told Yunxi, wrapping my arms around him while he washed the dishes that he refused to let me help with. “It really was my best birthday.”

“It’s not over yet,” he said mysteriously. “Go get ready for bed, and I’ll be there soon.”

I stretched up on my toes to kiss his cheek and did as he said. While I waited for him in bed I got out my phone to look at the picture we had taken and noticed that I had missed calls. A lot of missed calls, mostly from my uncle. It should have been that he was calling to wish me a happy birthday, if my family were a normal family, but he had never done that before, so I felt a little alarmed. I stared at the screen for a moment, not sure if I should call him back or wait until tomorrow. It was already late, but the last call had been only twenty minutes earlier. 

“The party wasn’t the only surprise,” Yunxi said as he came around the corner. I didn’t get to hear whatever he was going to say next because he saw me looking at my phone, perplexed. “What’s wrong?” he wondered. 

“I have some missed calls from my uncle. I think...I think I should call him back. I have a weird feeling…” 

Yunxi sat on the edge of the bed and gave me a sympathetic look. I hit the call button and waited two rings before my uncle answered. 

“Meilin?” asked the tired man on the other line.

“Hi, uncle. It’s me. Is everything okay?” I could tell just by his breathing that it was not. 

“It’s your father. He’s had a massive stroke. It’s not looking good. I think you should get to the hospital as soon as you can,” he said. Of course no one knew I wasn’t in Chengdu. 

I was speechless for a moment. I really didn’t know what I was feeling other than frozen. Stroke. Not looking good. My father. It was a jumble. And then I thought, I don’t know why I should be there. 

“Meilin?” he asked again. 

“I’m here. Um...I’m not in Chengdu right now. I...I don’t know when I can come,” I told him reluctantly. 

“Meilin, you need to come say goodbye to your father,” he said plainly. So it was that bad. 

I looked at Yunxi, who didn’t seem to be able to hear the conversation but could tell that it was bad news. I reached out for his hand and his expression turned even more worried. 

“Okay. I will try to get there tomorrow,” I told him. 

“Okay.” And he hung up. Really great communicators, my family. 

“What’s going on?” Yunxi asked as soon as I pulled the phone from my ear. 

“It’s my dad. He had a stroke. It doesn’t look like he’s going to make it.” My voice sounded empty and hollow. Not in a sad way. I didn’t know what, if any, emotion was behind it. 

“Oh,” was all he could say for a moment. 

“Yeah. So I guess I’ll have to go back tomorrow. To pay my respects?” I honestly didn’t know. What kind of goodbye could I possibly have for that man? What respect had ever existed between us? He was a bad father, and I was a bad daughter. And now that was never going to change. 

Yunxi shifted closer to me and stroked my face with his hand so I looked at him. “You don’t have to go, if you don’t want to. If you can’t.”

I sighed. “I guess I should. I could do this one thing, in my whole unfilial life.”

Yunxi shook his head. “Don’t think of it like that.” I could see he had more to say, but the words seemed to stick in his throat. We didn’t talk too much about my dad. I think he knew some of it, but he certainly didn’t know all. But he must’ve known that what I hadn’t told him was too painful, and that I, of all people, couldn’t talk about it. “You don’t owe him anything,” he said after a moment’s pause. 

“I think I should say goodbye. I’ll never get another chance.” My eyes were watering, but I didn’t know exactly what for and choked them back. 

“Whatever decision you make, I’ll support you,” Yunxi said and pressed his lips to my forehead. 

“Thanks,” I sniffed. “Oh, what was your surprise?” I wondered. 

“Mmm, it doesn’t feel quite appropriate now,” he admitted. I could see that. 

“That’s okay. Another time. Go get ready for bed and then come back and hold me?” I requested. 

“I’ll be right back,” he agreed and hurried off to the bathroom. 

I tried not to think about anything at all while I waited for him. Dark thoughts inevitably pushed around the edges of my mind, but I tried to think about the nice, relaxing day that I’d had and all the sweet things that Yunxi had done for me, that he always did for me. Things I didn’t deserve. But just as that thought popped up he reappeared, and I knew he’d admonish me for it. He turned off the lights and got into bed with me. We laid in silence for a minute. 

“I’m sorry I have to leave you. I feel like I’m letting you down,” I admitted into the darkness. 

“Stop it. You know you’re not. I’m sorry I can’t go with you. But we are almost done here anyway, and I’ll be able to join you in a week.” He pulled me tighter into his warmth. 

I wished he could go with me, too. But I knew that was impossible for a number of reasons. Even if he could drop everything and go home with me, it wasn’t like he could just go to the hospital with me. We couldn’t be normal like that. 

I don’t know what he was interpreting in my silence, but a moment later he said, “I’m not asking you to say anything, but if there’s anything you want to tell me you know you can always talk to me. I’ll listen to anything you have to say, and I’ll always support you, Meimei.”

I turned to bury my head in his chest. “Thank you,” was all I said before I fell asleep.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This post has a lot of non-graphic references to past child abuse. Take care of yourself and know that you are worthy and deserving of all the love. <3

It was dark out, though really it was still fairly early. My aunt and uncle had finally gone home, and I was alone in the hospital room with my father. The first time we’d been alone in a room together in over three years, and now he couldn’t scold me or berate me, yell at me or beat me. He could only lay there, a machine breathing for him. I felt like a machine was breathing for me, air coming and going in shallow, heavy breaths, holding back tears of rage and regret. How long had I been sitting here like this? It felt like all day. Now I was finally alone, and I still couldn’t talk to him, so I called Yunxi instead.

“Hey, love. How are you doing?” he asked when he answered, his voice full of the concern I was expecting. 

“Pretty awful, to be honest,” I admitted.

“That’s understandable. I wish I could be there for you.” I knew that. I wished he could, too, but I worried that saying so would add to his needless guilt.

“They said that there’s practically no chance of recovery. He’s being kept alive by the machines, and we should probably let him go,” I explained. 

“And?” he asked, knowing there was something else. My opinion, my feeling.

“And I don’t know if I can do it. I feel so confused,” I admitted to Yunxi, a tear finally coming down my cheek. “I want him out of my life. I know I shouldn’t hate my father. I know it makes me a bad daughter. But I don’t want to kill him. I don’t…” I sucked in a sharp breath. “Does pulling the plug make me a murderer? Does it seem like I’m doing it on purpose or is it the right thing to do?”

“Meimei,” Yunxi said quietly. “I don’t think anyone would think you did it to get revenge. You’re not that kind of person. But if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t blame you even if you did. You’re not a bad daughter, but he was a bad father. He did things to you that are unforgivable. And if you can’t forgive him for it, if you hate him, I will never judge you for that.” I sniffed back my tears. “I’m so sorry I can’t be there to hold your hand, but I support any decision you make,” he assured me. 

“There are things I should have said to him. Things I should have thanked him for. You know, I was outside his house before I left for Hengdian, but I couldn’t go in. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. But there are things I should have said to him,” I babbled. 

“What could you have to thank him for?” Yunxi asked, and I could hear the hint of bitterness in his voice. 

“Among all the things he did to me, if he hadn’t forced me to go to Shanghai, I never would have met you.” I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. “That’s the most important-”

“Meilin, I want you to hear me,” Yunxi said, very seriously, and I waited. “That doesn’t--will never--erase the things he did. I love you so much, and I’m so happy I met you, but we aren’t giving him credit for that. You could have gone to Shanghai and not met me. You could have not gone to Shanghai and we could have met somewhere else. He doesn’t get credit for us.” It wasn’t just bitterness in Yunxi’s voice now, there was anger. More anger than I’d ever heard before, at least in real life. It wasn’t directed at me, but I could feel the intensity of it. He took a deep breath, and when he spoke again his voice was softer. “I’m sorry. I just want you to take it off your mind. You don’t owe him for us, not for me. I love you more than I can say, but if I could trade it for all the harm he did to you, I would.”

“Okay,” I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “I hear you. I love you, too, Xixi.” I smiled a little, actually feeling the smallest bit better. “I’d better go.”

“Hey. When I see you, I’m going to hold you tighter than you’ve ever been held in your life. So, just try to imagine that, and I’ll be there in a few days.”

“Ow,” I said. 

“Are you okay?” he asked urgently

“Yeah, just trying to imagine the hug.” I actually laughed, and he laughed back. 

“Get some rest,” he told me, and I could hear kisses before he hung up. 

I took a deep breath and sighed, letting go of the brief moment of laughter and relief Yunxi had given me, and then I turned back to my father. He was such a large man. Just under six foot, but wide. His hands were massive, and I’d never forget that. I’d never hear his deep booming voice again, but I’d never forget that either. 

“He’s right, you know,” I said out loud to the felled giant before me. “You were a bad father. You made it hard for me to love, especially myself, and all the other terrible things aside, that’s probably the worst thing. But I turned out okay. I will thank you, for that one thing, for Yunxi. Not that you would’ve let me keep him, if you’d known. Not that you ever let me have anything. But I’m going to be okay. I’m not going to let you haunt me,” I told him. I stood and walked out of the room. 

I met my aunt and uncle the next morning and told them I thought it was time to let him go. They didn’t fight it. I guess they didn’t expect any different, and they didn’t want the burden of holding him here either. It was all very anticlimactic. We informed the doctor, and he turned off the machines, and in a minute he was gone. He didn’t even struggle. It was over very quietly. Then they covered him up and took him away. I was pretty up front with my aunt and uncle about how I wanted to deal with his remains and whatever he left behind. They could keep it all. They insisted that I go to the old house and go through any of my things that were there. I agreed. But I wasn’t going to go alone. 

“Is this a prank call?” Xuanxu asked when he answered the phone. 

“Hey, buddy,” I replied in an unnaturally sweet voice as I hesitated on the doorstep of my father’s house. 

“Yep, someone must have stolen Meilin’s phone.”

“Are you working today?” I asked, ignoring his act.

“No?”

“Come drink with me,” I offered. 

“Did you already get fired from your fancy personal chef job?” he wondered, sounding a little too excited. 

“No. My dad died, so I’m back in Chengdu for a little bit,” I told him, feeling far more smug than was appropriate. 

“Ouch. Sorry. My bad.”

“No worries. So you coming to drink with me or what?” 

“Of course. Where?”

“My dad’s house.”

“Oh, creepy. Okay,” he agreed. 

“I’ll text you the address. Bring liquor.” I hung up and stared at the door for a while longer.

I was still working up my courage to go inside when Yunxi called. 

“How did it go?” he asked in a somber tone. He was still wearing his wig. 

“As well as can be expected,” I replied. 

“Where are you?” He squinted at the phone. 

“Outside the old man’s house. My uncle insisted I go through my things that are left here.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Xuanxu is going to come over and help me drink my way down memory lane,” I told him.

“I’m glad he’ll be there for you. Be careful, okay?” I could see a hint of worry in his eyes, but I was sure he understood that I was coping as best as I could. At least I wasn’t drinking alone, right?

“I will.”

“Oh. I wanted to check with you if it would be okay for Hua Ling to drive your car back to Chengdu.”

“Did she do something to make you mad?” I could actually see a hint of her face in the background and she didn’t look happy. I sighed. “You know what? If you can, just sell it. Or burn it. Or drive it into a lake. I really don’t need it.”

“Did you already start drinking?” Yunxi asked, looking closer at me. 

“No. It just...it was from him, you know. I’m not attached to it. And I really _don’t_ need it. So just sell it. No need to make an issue out of it.” I waved it away, as though I could wave away all the remnants of my father. 

“You’re sure?” He asked, and I nodded. “Okay, we’ll get on that right away.” He gave me a half smile. 

“Thanks, Xixi.”

He shook his head. “We’ll all be there in a few days then, on the morning of Spring Festival,” he said. 

“Okay! I’ll get something together for all of us,” I told him, feeling a little better to turn my mind toward that. 

“Actually, my parents want us to come over. Do you think you’d be up for that?” 

I raised my eyebrows. “For meeting your parents? I...uh...I...what have you told them about me?” I felt suddenly nervous. 

He laughed. “They’re going to love you. I just wondered if you’d be okay going to a family gathering, you know, emotionally.”

“Oh. I think I’ll be fine. I’d love to go.” I forced a smile to hide my terror. 

“Okay! I’ll let you go. I’ve gotta get out of all this stuff,” he said. 

“Okay, love you. Eat something healthy!”

“I love you, too!” he said, and hung up. 

Once again, I turned to the door. I took a deep breath and pushed my way in. It turns out we probably wouldn’t need Xuanxu’s liquor. There had to be some bottles that still had enough to get us drunk amongst all these empty ones. I could barely recognize this house. My father hadn’t been a drunk when I was young. That wasn’t the thing that made him so mean and abusive. And he’d always insisted on the house being clean, so the mess before me seemed so strange. It didn’t feel like his home at all. I almost wondered for a second if maybe he’d moved, and I had in fact let myself into some stranger’s house. But our family pictures were still there, his furniture, my awards on the shelves. I walked down the hall to the left, past his bedroom, dark with the curtains drawn. The door to my childhood bedroom was closed and I paused with my hand on the doorknob. After a deep breath, I opened it slowly. It smelled musty, like the door hadn’t been opened for a while. The air in here was stale. The bedding hadn’t been changed in years, probably. I stepped cautiously into the room, afraid a ghost, his or mine, was going to find me there. The only things missing were the things I had taken with me when I went to Shanghai. I’d never slept another night in this room after going back for the spring semester. I ran my fingers across my clothes that still hung in the closet, clothes that would never fit me again, clothes that only fit when I met his harsh standards. This place was abandoned and sad. And that was probably why the door was closed, so he wouldn’t have to look at the result of all his personal relationships. My mother had abandoned him, and so had I. I almost felt bad for him. Almost. I wasn’t going to be able to step into this room again without alcohol. 

I walked quickly back out to the living room and found his liquor cabinet. There wasn’t much, actually. Half a bottle of whiskey and another almost empty bottle of vodka. I grabbed the vodka with a shaky hand and unscrewed the cap quickly before downing what was left at the bottom and then gasping for air after the burn. I took the empty bottle with me to the kitchen. The trashcan was overflowing and reeking. It looked like cleaning was going to be a priority. I was just taking the trash out when a car pulled up delivering Xuanxu. He got out smiling. 

“Hey, girl!” he grinned. “You ready to get sad drunk?” he asked, holding up a new bottle of vodka as the car pulled away. 

“You have no idea,” I told him and grabbed it from his hand before leading him into the house. 

“Wow, this place has bad juju,” he said the moment he walked in the door. “You grew up here?”

“Yep.”

“That explains a lot,” he said, looking around. 

I laughed ironically. “It really wasn’t this bad when I was a kid.”

“Mmm, I’m pretty sure it was.”

I gave him a perplexed look but shook his words out of my head. 

“Did you start without me?” Xuanxu asked as he looked around at the many empty liquor bottles. 

“Well, technically yes, but this is all him,” I said as I went through the cabinets looking for two clean glasses. 

“I hope when I kick it I at least have the decency to leave a clean house for my family.” One of the amusing things about Xuanxu was his total irreverence. 

“That would be nice of you,” I agreed. “Vodka or whiskey?” I asked. 

“Vodka please,” he said, and I poured him a glass, whiskey for myself. 

“Thanks for coming.” I clinked my glass with his and tossed my drink back before pouring another. 

“I don’t have to clean do I?” he asked, looking around again. 

“No. You’re just here for drinks and moral support. I’m probably going to end up throwing most of this stuff away. But by the end of the night I may just burn the mother fucker down. Your other job is to stop me,” I told him. 

“I don’t know. You’re pretty hard to stop when you want to do something,” he said doubtfully. I shrugged. 

I asked him to tell me about things with the restaurant and our group of friends while I cleaned the kitchen. Who knew how long it’d been since it had actually been cleaned. I resented having to do it, but there was something that was just wrong about a dirty kitchen, and I couldn’t help myself. It took about an hour to get it to a point that I wouldn’t feel guilty leaving my aunt with the rest. 

“I need you to go to the bedroom with me,” I told him, slurring a bit by now. 

“Meilin, you remember that I’m gay, right?” he teased, but got off the stool and followed me anyway. “OH. This is _sad_ ,” he said when he entered the room. 

“I know, right?” I turned on an old multicolored globe light that sat on my dresser, surprised it still worked. Fragments of memories came back to me: staring at that lamp spin while trying to stop crying after a beating. I turned it back off. 

“So, what was your dad’s deal anyway?” Xuanxu almost sat on the bed, but thought better of it. I wiped off the pink and white desk chair and offered it to him. 

“He was a violent control freak,” I answered succinctly. He waited for more. I stripped the dust covered bedding and shoved it into one of the garbage bags I had brought in with me. No one would be using those anymore. “You remember how I told you that I went to Shanghai Theater Arts Academy?” He nodded. “Well, my dad’s dream for me my whole life was that I would be an entertainer and make him very rich.”

“You?”

“Uh huh.”

“But you hate entertaining,” he laughed. “I’ve seen you get nervous talking to a group of ten people.”

“Yeah. I know. But that never stopped him from training me. He made me dance and sing and all the things. Ugh. The modeling was the worst.” I opened the closet again to look at the clothes. The very small clothes. 

“You modelled?” he asked incredulously. I looked through the shelf above the desk he was sitting at, pulled out a portfolio and handed it to him. “Holy shit, you were so skinny. I can’t believe it.”

“Do you believe this?” I asked, pulling out a pair of old jeans and holding them up in front of his face.

“How did you ever fit into those?” he asked, wide-eyed. 

“Okay, now that’s just mean,” I told him before shoving the jeans into a bag. 

“I’m sorry, it’s not like you’re fat or anything, but this is...scary,” he said looking back at the pictures. 

“He used to withhold food from me. And when he caught me sneaking food, he’d beat me or make me run until I puked.” It felt good to shove the old clothes away. “Or both.”

“That’s awful,” Xuanxu said, handing me my glass. I glugged it down. “How did you come to be a chef after all that?”

“I always wanted to be a chef. The whole problem was that I loved food. My grandparents owned a restaurant when I was little, and some of my greatest memories were hanging out there, but that was all before he started training me. I knew that was what I wanted to do though,” I admitted. 

Xuanxu put the portfolio back on the shelf and I let him rummage through other photo albums and whatever else was on the shelves or in the desk. I honestly wanted nothing to do with any of it. I returned to the idea of just burning the whole place to the ground. 

“Is this your mom?” he asked, pulling me away from my arson fantasy. 

I looked over his shoulder, he’d found an album tucked deep away. I flipped through some of the pages; they were all from before she had left. “Yeah, that’s her.”

“She looks _fun_ ,” he grinned. 

“She is. You would love her.” At least those were good memories. “Oh, shit. I should probably call her,” I realized. I tried to do the math to figure out what time it was in California. This was why she always found it hard to call for my birthday. It was the middle of the night there. “Do you think it’s acceptable to text your mom that your dad is dead if she left him over twenty years ago? Are exclamation points tacky?”

Xuanxu had just taken a drink and he spit it back out. “Okay, he was a rat bastard, but even I think that might be a little bit much,” he admitted. 

“Fine. Ugh.” I sank down to the floor. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to have to deal with all this crap.” I poked a garbage bag full of clothes with my toe. 

“Fuck it. Let’s leave it.” Xuanxu stood up and offered me his hand. I grabbed the photo album of baby pictures and my empty glass and followed him out of the room. 

I flopped onto the couch in the living room while Xuanxu poured me another drink. He handed it to me and then perused the gallery of things on the walls and shelves of the living room. 

“You have a lot of third place prizes,” he commented as he moved about the room. 

I laughed. “I can’t believe he put all those up. I could never understand why I got punished at night for not coming in first, only to wake up the next morning to the damn trophy taking up space on the shelf. It makes no sense.”

Xuanxu finally came to sit at the other end of the couch from me. “Let’s talk about something else. How’s your new job?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows. 

I smiled. Really smiled for the first time all day. “It’s great.”

“How is _he_?” Xuanxu pushed. 

“He’s wonderful. Honestly the whole thing has been really perfect.” I couldn’t help grinning. “That’s probably why this happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“For whatever law of the universe that says you can’t have complete happiness for too long. Something always has to come along to bring you back down to earth.”

“Is it worth it, to be that happy?” he wondered. 

I pondered it for a moment before nodding. “It definitely is.” I stood up from the couch to look at the dusty picture frames on the wall. My dad had never taken down the one family photo of us where we all looked happy. I couldn’t have been more than one year old. Now that I knew her better, I would definitely say mom’s smile was forced. I took the frame off the wall and pried open the back to take out the photo. “When I lived here, I never believed I’d be happy. Not even for a little bit. I never could’ve imagined I’d be as happy as I am with Yunxi.”

I heard a gasp from behind me and whipped around. 

“You admitted it!” Xuanxu cried, pointing a finger at me. “I knew it!”

“Oh my god, Xuanxu. Please, you can’t tell anyone! I’m begging you.” I was literally on my knees in front of him. 

“Is he making you hide your relationship?” Xuanxu asked, sounding a little disgusted. 

“No. Not at all. It’s me.” I sat back on my heels. “You know how I feel about attention, and I don’t want to have my picture taken or get mobbed everywhere I go. I can’t handle that. He’d blast it everywhere if I’d let him.”

Xuanxu shook his head at me. “You are a genuinely strange woman, but for you I will keep this secret.”

“Promise?” I asked, holding out my pinkie to him.

“Promise,” he agreed, locking his pinkie with mine.

I sighed heavily. “Okay, we’re gonna grab all the pictures of my mom and get the hell out of here,” I declared and rose purposefully to my feet. I scanned all the parts of the house for images of her and a couple cute baby pictures of me. I found some old records that were definitely hers and snatched those, too. Then I called us a car, dropped Xuanxu’s drunk ass at home and went back to Yunxi’s--no, our apartment. That was still taking some getting used to. When I crawled into bed I wrote a long drunk text to my aunt to tell her that I had a hard time going through the house, I didn’t want any of it, and that I was sorry for leaving them to deal with it, but I just couldn’t go back. Then I went to sleep, hoping the next several days without Yunxi would pass quickly, and that my liver would be up to the job. 

I woke up with a mad hangover and after drinking some water, decided it would be the best time to call my mom. She picked up right away.

“I’ve been meaning to call, I’ve just been crazy and you know how I am,” she said without a hello. 

“It’s fine,” I laughed. “I have news.”

“Good news or bad news?” 

Tough question. “Mmm...well...dad’s dead,” I told her. She was silent. “Mom? Can you hear me?”

“Are you sure?” she asked. 

I snorted and stifled a laugh. Wow, I was really bad. “Yeah, I’m sure. I was there. We turned off the machines yesterday,” I explained. 

She sighed. “Well, that’s...something. I’m sorry. How are you doing?” 

I sighed, too. “I honestly don’t know. I feel bad for not feeling sad, but I’m sad for other reasons. It’s complicated.”

“I know. At least we’re both totally free now,” she said. 

“Yeah, I guess we are.”

“Oh! I still haven’t said happy birthday! Seems kind of strange now.”

“Never mind. I’ll let you go. Just wanted to pass on the news.”

“Are you going to be okay?” she asked, concerned. 

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.”

“Okay, honey. I’ll call you in a few days,” she promised, but I didn’t know why. 

“Alright. Bye.”


	20. Chapter 20

Yunxi had told me not to make anything to take to his parents’, but there was just no way that was going to happen. The last day I was home alone before he was supposed to come home to me seemed horribly long, so I tried to fill it with cooking and baking, even though I had no appetite myself. By the time it was dark I decided I’d just get drunk (again) and go to bed early and hope that would bring his arrival more quickly. No matter how hard I’d tried to avoid it I had fallen into that dark place again, and I just wanted him to come and pull me out. I was laying on the couch with a bottle of wine (no glass), too lazy to drag myself to bed, but not asleep yet, when the door handle jiggled. I clutched the bottle to my chest, momentarily terrified, until the door opened and there was Yunxi with his twin shadows behind him.

Surprised, I jumped to my feet and without a moment’s hesitation ran straight into his arms. 

“Hey,” he whispered in my ear as he held me tightly, just like he’d promised. 

“Hey,” I tried to say back as he squeezed my chest. “What are you doing here?”

“I came home early to surprise you. Are you okay?” he asked, loosening his grip and pulling back so he could see my face. 

I shrugged. “Better now.”

He took my face in his hands. “You’ve been drinking?” His tone wasn’t judgemental, but definitely concerned.

I nodded. “I didn’t know what else to do.” 

He rubbed my pink cheeks. “It’s okay. I’m here now.” I smiled again and he picked me up bridal style and carried me to the bedroom while I laughed. He set me on the bed and started to turn on lights before he came back to sit beside me. 

I grabbed onto his head with both hands and kissed him hungrily. 

“Woah, Princess,” he laughed, pushing me away gently. I didn’t give up, kissing him again and drifting my hands down his neck. “Meilin, stop,” he said, still laughing as my mouth moved to his ear lobe. Again, he pushed me away very gently. 

“What’s wrong?” I pouted. 

“Baby, you’re drunk,” he said softly. 

“So?”

“I don’t want to take advantage of you,” he said, stroking my cheek. 

I scrunched up my face. “What advantage? I’m yours. We live together. There’s no taking advantage.” He looked at me doubtfully. I scooted closer to him and kissed his neck. “Biiixiaaa,” I whined. “I’ve missed you so much. I need you. Please,” I begged, nibbling on his ear lobe again. 

“Oh, princess,” he sighed, and I could feel he wanted to give in. “You’re making this hard on me.” 

I continued to kiss his neck as I pushed him backward onto the bed. “Not yet,” I said suggestively. He chuckled, but still felt a little tense. I pulled back to hover my face above his. “Would it be better if you were drunk, too?”

“Maybe,” he admitted. 

I popped up. “I’ll go get you a drink!” I said cheerily, but he grabbed my wrist before I could walk away. 

“I’ll get it. You stay here.” He pulled me back onto the bed and kissed my cheek before he went out shaking his head. 

As soon as he left the room I clumsily removed my clothes until I was in just my bra and panties. 

“Oh my god, Meimei!” he laughed when he came back with two glasses in his hand. He handed me one and I drank from it. It was water. I frowned. “I should warn you that Wang and Hua Ling are staying here, so don’t just walk out there naked.”

I set my glass down and smiled at him. “I’m not leaving this room.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the bed. 

“Hold on, I’ve got to drink first,” he admonished. 

I frowned again. “You don’t want me?”

He set his glass down on the bedside table and leveled his gaze on me. “You know that’s not true,” he said evenly.

“Then what’s wrong?” I asked with a heavy sigh. 

He sighed, too. “You’re very vulnerable right now, in more ways than one, and I just want to be mindful of that.”

I laid back on the bed, practically naked, and crossed my arms. “I’ve had all week to be mindful of it. I haven’t been able to think of anything else. I need you to help me.” I felt my eyes tear up, and before I could stop them the tears were slipping out the corners of my eyes down to my ears. 

“Oh, Meimei,” he cooed and leaned over toward me, but now all I wanted to do was turn away and hide my tears. I curled up on my side and tried to hold them in with my breath, but I was just on the edge of sobbing. Damn it. I felt his warm hand on my side. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry,” he murmured. 

I turned farther away and buried my face against the comforter. Fuck. I was drunk and sobbing and this was absolutely the last thing I wanted to be doing. Least of all because I knew in his mind I was proving him right. But in mine I was also right. I needed him to distract me. There was no benefit in any of this for me. I’d been drunk crying the last several nights, and I didn’t feel any better. I just wanted to have his skin against mine and to feel better. 

He came to wrap his arms around me and hold me close to him. “I’m here. It’s okay,” he whispered, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted to fight him off, feeling resentful of his rejection, but I didn’t have it in me. His hands gripped me, his thumb rubbing over my ribs, just below my breast, but it wasn’t enough. I was quieting though, my small burst of pain subsiding. He kissed my shoulder softly and whispered to me again that everything was okay. “Do you feel better?” he asked after I’d stopped shaking. 

“No,” I mumbled back. I turned around so I was facing him, but I couldn’t look at his face. 

He kissed my forehead and wiped my cheek with his thumb. “I don’t know why you’re afraid to be vulnerable with me,” he said quietly. It wasn’t so much an accusation as an observation, and he wasn’t wrong. 

“Maybe I don’t want to be vulnerable at all. Maybe I want to be made of stone,” I replied, still staring at his adam’s apple. 

He ran his hand over my fleshy arms. “You’re not stone, Meilin, you’re soft. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I’m not weak,” I insisted. 

“Never weak,” he agreed. “You’re very strong. You don’t have to prove that to me.” He pulled me tighter against him. “But I don’t just want you to be strong. I want you wherever and however you are. I want to support you, because if I can’t do that, then I don’t know what good I can give you. I don’t want to just distract you.”

I stayed silent a moment while I gathered my very jumbled thoughts. “Why does he get to be the one to make me feel weak? I just keep thinking about how fragile I was, how fragile I still feel because of him,” I finally said.

“Hmm,” Yunxi hummed, and I pulled back to see him thinking. “I don’t see it that way,” he said, and I waited for more. “He had power over you, it’s true. All parents have power over their kids. And he did things to break you, so it makes sense you feel broken by them. You suffered it as long as you had to, but as soon as you were able you took your power back. You escaped and you repaired your broken parts. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” He looked into my eyes and he meant it. He wiped the moisture from under my eye. “You are the strongest woman I’ve ever known. Don’t let him make you feel otherwise.” He held my gaze to make sure I understood. 

“Fine, you win,” I smiled after a moment. 

“What?” he laughed. 

“You got me to be all vulnerable and talk about my feelings or whatever.”

“What else is bothering you?” he asked patiently. 

“Nothing,” I replied, resting my head against his arm and peering up at him. He waited, like he knew there was more and he had all the time in the world for it to come out. “Really, there’s nothing,” I insisted. Still, he waited. “Why don’t you believe me?”

“It’s just that all the time we’ve been back together you haven’t really talked about him. Almost never, and nothing beyond a mention. I thought that it was really just that you had gotten him out of your life; you hated him and you really didn’t give him much space in your mind anymore. So, I guess I’m just a little surprised that you’re taking it as hard as you are. It’s fresh and I’m not saying that there’s any reason it shouldn’t be affecting you. I’m just saying that whatever the reasons are, you can talk to me about them. No matter how hard it is, you can talk to me about anything,” he said. 

I thought for a second. “I do hate him. I hate him, and it doesn’t do anything for me but make me feel guilty. Anytime I feel relieved because I don’t have to be afraid of him or see him ever again, I feel so horrible. I don’t understand why it’s like this.”

Yunxi stroked my hair. “You don’t need to feel guilty. After all, that fear and hatred is all his fault. Those aren’t feelings you have because you’re a bad person. They’re because he was a bad person. Maybe no one’s ever given you permission to hate him, and maybe that’s what you need. I’m here to tell you, it’s okay to hate him, even now that he’s gone. Don’t let it consume, but don’t let it make you feel guilty either. There’s no need to honor someone who hurt you, even if they’re dead. Everyone dies, and it doesn’t wipe away the past. If anyone should feel guilty, it should’ve been him.” The words he said were meant to comfort me, but there was a tone just under the surface of his words that betrayed his own hatred for my father. 

“I think he did. I didn’t know until I went into his house, but I think he was miserable,” I confessed. 

“Good,” Yunxi said.

“I never realized you hated him so much.” 

“How could I not hate him? After what he did to you? I’m sure I don’t know the half of it, but what I know is enough.” He hugged me tight and I couldn’t see his face anymore. “I’ll never forget how miserable he made you, even when he was a thousand miles away. He was evil enough that you had to leave. So, yeah, I’m glad he’s out of your life for good.”

I closed my eyes and let myself rest in his arms for a few minutes. “Thank you,” I finally said. “I do feel a little lighter.”

He let me go. “Are you still feeling sexy?” he asked with a wink.

“I think you may want to rephrase that!”

“You’re right. Sorry. You’re always sexy. What I meant was, do you still want to have sex?”

“Not really. I’m kind of cold and tired,” I admitted. 

“That’s what I thought,” he said, rubbing my arm. “Let’s go get ready for bed. You’re meeting my parents tomorrow.”

My heart stopped. I had almost forgotten to be nervous about that.

“Can we at least go over early so I can help your mom cook? I don’t want her to think I’m a bad-” I didn’t know what word to choose to finish that sentence: girlfriend? wife? daughter-in-law? That was all getting way ahead of myself, since they were going to _hate_ me. 

“They aren’t going to hate you,” he said as I stood in front of my closet, agonizing over what sweater to wear. 

“What have you told them about me?” I demanded to know. 

“Everything,” he said simply. He had always had a good and open relationship with his parents. 

“They know that I abandoned you in Shanghai?” I wondered desperately. 

“They know you left for your own reasons that had nothing to do with me,” he said very diplomatically. 

“So they know I broke your heart before?” That was my biggest worry. 

“I’ve explained to them that you didn’t mean to. I think they understand.” He smiled his beautiful smile at me, and I groaned. “You really don’t need to worry. They know that you didn’t have it easy. They also know that you take care of me now. And most importantly they will love you because I love you.” He pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. “Plus my mom already took our information to an astrologer, and she said everything looks great.”

I managed to laugh. “Did she really?”

“Yes. She said I’m not getting any younger and she needed to know,” he laughed with me. 

“Well, as long as that’s settled…” I returned to the closet and pulled out a red cashmere sweater. 

I was surprised as Wang pulled into their neighborhood that Yunxi's parents lived only a few blocks from my dad's house. It reminded me of what he had said only a week ago, that we could have met elsewhere. We could have been childhood sweethearts. Well, we practically were anyway. When we got to the house Yunxi led us straight inside. 

"They're here," his father called as he stood from his chair in the living room. His mother came quickly from the kitchen, wearing her apron covered in flour. The smells coming in from the kitchen were delightful.

"Luo baba, Luo mama. It's so nice to finally meet you," I said, bowing. “I’m Lei Meilin.”

"We are so glad you came," his mother smiled sweetly.

"Thank you for having me. I brought these cakes and sweets for later. Can I help you with something in the kitchen?" I offered. “Yunxi wouldn’t let me make anything.” Yunxi laughed, but I was not going to get over it.

"Oh, he's just trying to spare my feelings because he talks about your food all the time." She smiled on her son. "I was just going to start making dumplings if you want to come help."

"These hands were made for making dumplings," I grinned. "Come on, Hua Ling."

"Just cause I'm a woman I have to go help in the kitchen?" Hua Ling complained.

"Yes," I said and grabbed her hand, pulling her toward the kitchen.

She has already rolled out some dough and had the filling ready, so I washed my hands and got straight to work. 

“I have a little press in here somewhere if you want to use that,” she said as she rummaged around in a drawer. By the time she found it and turned around I already had two dumplings made and ready to go. She looked at them closely. “Your hands really were made for making dumplings,” she laughed. 

“Thank you,” I smiled. 

“Where did you learn such a good technique?” she wondered. 

“My grandmother taught me when I was little. When I worked at a restaurant in San Francisco I sometimes had to make hundreds a day. By the time I got to culinary school everyone wanted to pay me to tutor them. But it only takes practice,” I told her as I finished a few more. 

“At this rate, I’ll just leave it to you and go work on the pork,” she smiled. 

“Ling-mei, roll out some more dough and I’ll show you how to do them,” I instructed as I was running out of dough. Hua Ling narrowed her eyes at me, but did as she was told. 

“Oh, wait!” Luo mama said, rushing over and placing a bowl of coins on the table. “Make sure you put these in.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” I told her. 

“No, no. It’s tradition. For good luck,” she insisted. “I know you’re old now, but it’s still good.”

Hua Ling laughed at me being called old. 

Yunxi’s mother gasped and brought her hand to her mouth. “I didn’t mean to say you were old. I’m sorry.”

I shook my head and smiled. “That’s okay. We’re not young,” I admitted. “Except for Ling-mei. She’s still quite young.” She made a face at me. “Come here, I’ll show you how to make the dumpling,” I told her. She got out of her chair reluctantly, but watched closely. 

“Wouldn’t it be easier just to buy dumplings,” Hua Ling grumbled after she tried making a few. 

“Aiya! Making dumplings brings family together. Everyone loves homemade dumplings, even if they come out ugly,” Luo mama told her looking at the ones she had made. 

“Yeah, Ling-mei, someday you may have your own family and you’ll want to be able to make dumplings with them.” I gave her a playful bump with my hip. 

“Who wants to take care of a man for their whole life?” Hua Ling grumbled. 

“You already take care of my son!” Luo mama told her with a laugh. “Wouldn’t it be better to take care of a man who loves you?” 

Hua Ling shrugged. “He is a lot of work.”

“Men need a lot of help,” his mother sighed. “I helped my husband manage his business for thirty five years, and raised Yi. Neither of them would have made it without me, but it was all worth it,” she smiled. I had almost forgotten his real name.

“All I want is to take care of Xixi for his whole life,” I said quietly, smiling to myself. 

Luo mama reached out her hand to touch mine. “I can already see you’re taking good care of him.” Her tone was serious, but happy. “Usually, when he finishes a project he comes home looking thin and tired, but this time he looks healthy and happy,” she smiled. 

“You’ll never have to worry about him going hungry with this one,” Hua Ling told her, pointing a finger at me. “She makes so much food!”

“I don’t see you complaining!” I said, batting away her finger. 

“I’m not! I’m not!” she insisted, ducking her head. 

“What was Yunxi like as a kid?” I asked as I rolled out the last of the dough on my own, since Hua Ling had abandoned her post. 

“Yiyi was always very energetic. He loved to dance and would practice for hours. He had a lot of friends and liked to be with people. Later after we eat I will show you pictures,” she said quietly. “Yiyi loved to have his picture taken.”

“So he was pretty much the same as now,” Hua Ling said, making us both laugh. 

“I can tell you’re talking about me,” Yunxi said, appearing around the corner, face beaming. 

“What else would the three of us be talking about, dear?” said his mother, smiling just like him. 

Yunxi kissed his mom on the cheek. “Are you making all my favorites?” he asked, having a look around the kitchen and breathing in the smells. 

“You said you don’t have favorites,” I said with narrowed eyes. 

“Everything my mom makes is my favorite.” He winked. 

“Then, Luo mama, you have to teach me,” I begged, and she laughed again. It was easy to see why Yunxi was such a happy person. 

The rest of the afternoon and evening passed smoothly. Yunxi pretended to be embarrassed about his baby pictures, but I knew he was loving it. 

“My mom loved you,” he told me when we were alone in our bedroom that night. 

“How do you know?” I asked skeptically. 

“I just know.”

I rolled my eyes. “You don’t know.”

He smirked and held his phone up in my face to show me a message from her. 

_Mama: I love her! When are you going to marry her and give me grandchildren?_

I laughed loudly. “Well, at least your mom is on board. Do you want to have a little family?” I asked.

He looked at me astonished for a moment. “Do you think I dream of anything else?” he asked with a smile. “We haven’t talked about it really, because I’m sure it’s too soon. But, yes, I really want to have a family with you.”

I smiled at him warmly. “It is very soon, but your mom does already think I’m old, so maybe we should talk about it.”

He ran his hand through my hair and drew my face close to his so our foreheads touched. “You are not old,” he said, looking directly into my eyes. “And I don’t want you to feel pressured by me or my mother. If you don’t want kids, or you don’t want them yet, that’s okay. I’ll count myself very lucky if I’m able to have you for the rest of my life.”

I kissed him a few times, very innocently, and then I pulled away and looked down at my lap. “I think it would be a beautiful thing to have children with you,” I admitted. “I’m just not sure I would be a good mother.” I glanced at him and his eyebrows knit together in a look of confusion. 

“Why would you think that?” he wondered. 

“You know I didn’t have good parents. How could I know how to be one?” I asked quietly. My eyes stung with tears, but I didn’t let them fall. Yunxi wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side. 

“Would you do things like your parents did?” he asked. “Would you hit your children?”

“No, of course not!”

“Would you abandon them and flee to another country?” 

That was harder to answer, considering my track record, but no I didn’t think I would do that either. “No.”

“Would you force them to live a life they told you they didn’t want?”

I almost laughed. “Definitely not.”

“Then you’re already going to be a much better parent than either of yours. And you’d have me, and I have great parents, who would also help.” He kissed the top of my head and then pulled away so I’d have to look at him. “And besides all that, you are a very caring and nurturing person who would do an amazing job caring for a family. So, if you can put that concern aside, do you want to have a little family with me?” he asked. 

I smiled and nodded. “I definitely do. Someday.”

“Cool. You wanna start trying now?” he asked with a wink. 

“No, but I’m up for some practice,” I grinned and kissed him.

The next morning my phone rang very early. Eyes still closed, I reached my hand out of the covers to search for it, finding that the bedside table was much farther from me than I thought. I stretched farther, and once I had it Yunxi pulled me back in. I struggled to answer it and mumbled a hello, still not opening my eyes. 

“Hey! Did I wake you? What time is it there?” asked the voice in the phone. 

“Mom? I don’t even know. What’s going on?” I yawned. 

“I’m sorry. I’ll be quick. I’m getting married on the 14th. Do you think you can make it?” she asked.

“Huh?”

She laughed. “I knew I should’ve texted you, but I didn’t want it to seem impersonal. I’m sorry. I can text you the details later.”

“Okay.”

“Alright. Text me later. Love you!” she said cheerily. 

“Bye,” I moaned, but she had already hung up. I rolled over and snuggled into Yunxi. 

“Everything okay?” he asked. 

“Mhm. I think my mom is getting married,” I told him, although I wasn’t sure everything wasn’t a dream. 

“Oh. That’s good news.” We could use some good news. 

“Wanna go to California with me?” I asked, trying not to talk myself too far away from sleep. 

He kissed my hair. “I’ll go anywhere with you. Just let me check my schedule.”

“Sleep now,” I told him.

“Sleep now,” he agreed, and I was out again. 

A little while later I could feel that I was alone in the bed. For some reason it filled me with a sudden terror, and I shot up in bed. I had the feeling my fear was a hangover from whatever I had been dreaming about, but it had evaporated, so I couldn’t be sure. 

“Yunxi?!” I called out to the empty bedroom. 

His head poked out from the closet. “Yes?” I let out a sigh of relief and the tightness in my chest released. I felt tears in my eyes, a familiar feeling recently. “What’s wrong?” he asked, coming closer while buttoning his shirt. 

I blinked away the tears. “I just felt worried for a second. Sorry.”

He shook his head the way he always did when I apologized for no reason. He held my face in his fingertips, examining my expression. “You sure you’re okay?”

I nodded. “I’m fine.”

“I have to go do a thing. We’ll be back this afternoon. Text Hua Ling the details about your mom’s wedding and she’ll see what we can work out,” he told me. 

“I can’t believe you remembered that,” I laughed. “I completely forgot.”

He smiled and kissed my forehead. “See you later,” he said before walking out of the room. 

I tossed the pillows and blankets around until I found my phone. 

_Mom: We are getting married on the 14th at our house in San Francisco. Hope you can come!_

_Me: the 14th as in next week?_

_Mom: Yes. I know it’s short notice, but we’ve waited a long time._

_Me: I get it. I’ll be there._

I knew that getting Yunxi there might be difficult, but at least I could show up for my mom. We had been able to share so few happy moments together, it would be a shame to miss it. And although she had left my dad over twenty years ago, he had always refused to sign any divorce papers, so her marital status had been murky at best. She had been with Jeff for ten years, and had known him for longer, so I wasn’t really surprised that they were doing this fast. As spontaneous as she was it was honestly surprising they didn’t just run off to Vegas. I texted all the details to Hua Ling and got a response about an hour later. 

_Hua Ling: I only had to move one thing! It looks like we’re going to San Francisco!_

Curious use of ‘we,’ I thought, but I guess _we_ were going as an entourage. As long as Yunxi was going, it didn’t matter to me. 

_Me: Okay, I’ll get on the tickets._

_Hua Ling: I’ve already taken care of it. We leave on Monday! So excited!_


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why these chapters are getting so long recently, but I didn't want to break this one up. I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> For my own sanity the dialog in italics in spoken in English...don't over think it.

Just getting to the flight was a whole operation. We'd agreed we should go to the airport separately to avoid being caught by the fans who always seemed to be following him there. So I arrived early and Yunxi got to the gate just before it was time to start boarding. We shared glances with each other as we stood several meters apart, but I could see suggestive thoughts behind his eyes as they peered at me over his face mask. Hua Ling seemed to be the only one able to notice it also and she had to try hard not to laugh.  
Once we made it to our first class seats we continued to essentially ignore each other until the plane was in the air.

"Are you okay?" Yunxi asked, observing my tense expression. 

"Fine."

"Are you sure?" He pushed when I didn't seem to relax at all.

"I actually hate flying," I admitted. "This flight is particularly not fun to me."

He reached over to take one of my balled up fists and massaged it until I relaxed and let him hold my hand gently. I looked at him anxiously. 

"There are no crazy girls up here," he shrugged. "Relax." I took a deep breath and squeezed his hand, thankful to have him with me.

The flight was long and monotonous, but I tried to sleep through most of it. We maintained our distance through customs and a short layover between LA and San Francisco. By the time we got our bags though I was feeling a lot more free. Yunxi and I were able to smile at each other while I flagged down a taxi and told them which hotel to take us to. Wang was surprised to see our taxi driver was Chinese-American, but didn't speak any Chinese. Along the way I explained to the three of them about the history of Chinese immigrants in the US.

When we got to the hotel Wang and Yunxi waited while I helped Hua Ling check in. 

" _Two rooms?_ " The man at the reception desk asked to confirm our reservation. 

I looked at Hua Ling. "Two rooms?" I asked, eyebrows raised. 

She smiled awkwardly. "There are two beds. It's cheaper," she said looking away. 

I looked over my shoulder at the guys and then back to the man at the desk. " _That's right_." 

He checked us and I handed one set of key cards to Hua Ling as we walked toward the elevator. Wang looked nervously at me and I had to hold in my laughter. It seemed like Yunxi didn't know about whatever was going on with them, and I was going to enjoy it.

"Go rest for a little bit and for lunch we are going to go over to Chinatown," I told them as we rode up.

"We came all the way to America to go to Chinatown?" Wang asked skeptically. 

I shrugged. "Yunxi wants to see my old stomping grounds. And we are going to go to the restaurant where I really learned to cook. You don't have to come if you don't want to." I took Yunxi's hand. 

"We're going to her mom's house for dinner, so you'll be on your own," Yunxi told them.

"Then we'll go with you for lunch, and do our own thing for dinner," Wang said just before the elevator stopped to let them off on their floor.

“This is nice,” I said to Yunxi as I looked out the window of our room overlooking Union Square. He came to wrap his arms around me and watched the people walking down on the street below. 

“It’s nice to be here with you,” he said, leaning his cheek against my head. 

We showered and changed and got ready to go out again. 

“You might still want the hat and sunglasses,” I told him with an abundance of caution. 

“You think so?” he wondered. 

“Couldn’t hurt. It’s not China, and even if someone recognized you they probably wouldn’t follow us around with their cameras on. But there is still a chance someone will recognize you.”

He smiled brightly. “You think people here know who I am?” He was clearly delighted by the possibility. 

I rolled my eyes dramatically. “It’s possible.” Nothing could be contained by borders these days. “Mm, maybe I shouldn’t introduce you to people as Yunxi.”

He nodded, considering it. “You could call me Leo.”

“Leo?” I asked, eyebrows raised. 

“Yeah, it’s the English name the company uses.” I tried to hide my laughter. “What? What’s your English name?”

“I don’t have one. Everyone just calls me Meilin. It’s easy to pronounce and it makes me sound like I’m from the south. But we shouldn’t use Leo either, because that might be more familiar to them. What about Yi?”

He smiled. “Yi works.”

“I almost completely forgot your real name is Yi until I heard your mom say it the other day,” I admitted. “Is it weird I don’t call you that?” I wondered. 

He shook his head. “Only my parents call me Yi anymore. I like Yunxi. I gave it to myself, after all.”

“Okay. Yi it is.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek. 

“Good. Ready?” he asked, slipping on his baseball hat. I nodded and we went down to meet Wang and Hua Ling in the lobby. 

We walked down Grant Street through the Dragon Gate for no other reason than that I still hated walking through the Stockton Tunnel. We fought our way through the throngs of American tourists that came to see the world's first Chinatown. They didn’t realize they were visiting one of the poorest and most densely populated areas of the country outside of New York, with thousands of people, most of them recent immigrants, stacked right on top of one another in tiny apartments, as they had been since the beginning. I had never actually lived in Chinatown, but I spent nearly every day here for work or to meet up with the friends that I found as I took refuge in the immigrant community. It was a different experience from my mother’s, who had been born after her parents and older siblings had moved out of Chinatown and into the less populated Chinese neighborhood in the Richmond District. But this place felt like a second home to me. We cut across on Sacramento over to Stockton just to escape the crowds, and now we were in my real comfort zone. We walked by beauty salons, clothing stores and travel companies. 

“Now I know why you like this place,” Yunxi commented as we passed stands of fresh produce and butcher shops with ducks hanging in the windows. 

“Doesn’t it smell amazing?” I smiled and squeezed his hand. 

“Most of the restaurants here are Cantonese, because that’s where most of the immigrants have come from. I’ve worked in a few of them. But my real home is here,” I told them as I led them to a little hole in the wall. The sign above the entrance said “Pride of Chengdu.”

It looked like nothing had changed in the last eight years. Everything from the table arrangements to the woman behind the counter was exactly the same. 

“ _Hello. Welcome to Pride of Chengdu_ ,” Auntie Li said without looking up from the receipts she was examining. 

“ _Sit anywhere you want_ ,” said a man busing tables as he turned around. He was going to head toward the kitchen with his bucket, but stopped short as his eyes fell on me.

“ _Hi, Adam_ ,” I smiled with a wave. 

“ _Meilin? Is that you_?” he asked, his eyes widening. 

“ _It is_ ,” I grinned. 

Adam looked me up and down. “ _What are you doing back here? We heard you were working in some fancy restaurant in Chengdu_.”

“ _Yeah, I was. I’m just here on vacation. My mom is getting married tomorrow. This is my boyfriend Luo Yi and my friends Wang Yanli and Hua Ling_ ,” I told him. “This is Adam Li.”

“ _Hi_ ,” Adam waved.

“ _Nice to meet you_ ,” Yunxi responded.

“ _Please, have a seat. Whatever you want, it’s on the house. I’ll be right back_ ,” Adam said. He walked over and said something quietly to his mother before he disappeared into the kitchen. 

Her head popped up and she looked in our direction just as we were sitting. She rushed over. 

“Lei Meilin, you’re back!” Auntie Li cried excitedly as she hurried to my side. “And you brought a husband!”

“Not quite yet,” I laughed and looked at Yunxi, who beamed. I repeated my introductions. 

“That’s too bad for my Adam,” she sighed. “He still hasn’t found a wife yet. I always said it should have been you.”

“ _Mom, please stop_ ,” Adam said, reemerging from the kitchen with some water and peanuts. 

“ _I’m just teasing_ ,” she laughed and patted his arm. “Meilin, I’m going to bring you all of your favorites, just relax and enjoy.” She went off to the kitchen.

“You and Adam used to date?” Yunxi asked with a fake smile. 

I patted his arm. “It was only for a few months. It didn’t mean anything,” I assured him. 

“So you didn’t almost marry him?” he asked, his eyes narrowing. 

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Only in Auntie Li’s dreams. Trust me.”

“Fine,” he said, and popped a peanut into his mouth. He was putting on a show, but I could tell the jealousy wasn’t 100% fake. I rubbed my hand on his thigh and kissed his cheek, and a genuine smile soon returned to his face as he put his arm around me.

Auntie Li came back later with several dishes and pulled up a chair next to me, and we caught up while everyone else dug in eagerly. I gave her the short version of what I had done since leaving San Francisco, and she told me all that hadn’t changed in their family. Even grandma Li was still alive, and she came down to say hello before we left.

“You look very familiar,” she said to Yunxi, who had taken off his hat when we sat down. We all restrained our grins. 

“I get that a lot,” he said as he patted the old woman’s hand. 

“Take good care of our Meilin,” Grandma Li said, patting his hand in return. 

“I will,” he promised. 

I gave them all hugs and thanks before we left again. Yunxi put his hat back on and I took his hand as we stepped out onto the street. I pointed out a few other spots I used to frequent on our way over to Powell street to catch the cable car up to Fisherman’s Wharf. We walked up to Pier 39 to watch the sea lions. 

“Woah!” Hua Ling said with glee. “Can we feed them?”

Wang laughed. “They have food from the ocean. They don’t need your crackers,” he told her and she pouted. 

Yunxi and I leaned against the wooden rail, and I felt content to lean my head on his shoulder and feel the sun on my face and listen to the two of them argue playfully for several minutes. 

“C’mon,” I said after a little while had passed. “Let’s go find something sweet to eat.” We swung through the musical stairs and then wandered back through the streets of Fisherman’s Wharf without any clear direction in mind. 

Suddenly Yunxi stopped and pulled me back with his hand. “Can we?” he asked, nodding toward the Madam Tussauds Wax Museum. 

“Sure,” I smiled, and we went in. 

They seemed to have a lot of fun taking pictures with the American celebrities. Yunxi and I took a picture with Jerry Garcia, and I sent it to my mom. 

“Would you like a wax figure of you someday?” I asked Yunxi as we walked toward the exit. 

“I think I would look good as a wax figure, don’t you?” he grinned. 

“Of course. I want one for my house. Then I can look at it all the time. Then I guess I wouldn’t really need you, would I?”

“Are you saying you only keep me around to look at?”

I nodded. “Mostly.”

He pulled me into him. “I’m surprisingly okay with that.”

“What do you want to do now?” I asked when we were back out on the sidewalk. 

“Can we go to the Disney Museum?” Yunxi asked. 

“Sure. Then you can get a good view of the bridge.”

“Can we take a car over there?” Hua Ling sighed.

We did, and the Presidio was pretty crowded when we arrived as the afternoon sun was falling toward the Pacific ocean. We went through the museum, and I enjoyed Yunxi’s childlike happiness. After, we went across the street to take some pictures with the bridge in the background. Then Hua Ling said she wanted to go back to the hotel to rest, and Wang went with her. 

“You don’t want to go back to the hotel?” I asked Yunxi. 

He shook his head and looked at my hand in his. We’d hardly let go all afternoon. “I’m enjoying being out with you too much,” he said. “I just want to sit on a park bench and watch the sunset with you, if that’s okay.” I agreed and we walked over to the western overlooks to do just that. All around us were other couples doing similar things. I took a moment to appreciate how normal we were, just like them, before they all disappeared from my view and it was only Yunxi and me. 

“Are you happy to be back here?” Yunxi asked as we watched the sky change colors. 

“I’m excited to see my mom after a long time.” I smiled. “I have happy memories here. I’m glad to share them with you. Living here gave me my life back. Working in that restaurant for the Li’s gave me a lot of confidence in myself, and made me sure that the things I wanted for my life were the right things. I’ll always be grateful for that.”

“Do you wish you had stayed?” he wondered as he took my hands to warm them in his own. 

I closed my eyes and smiled, then shook my head. “No. I’m exactly where I need to be in my life.” 

Yunxi smiled and wrapped his arm around me to keep me warm. After the sun had disappeared we got a car and rode over to my mom and Jeff’s house in Haight-Ashbury. 

“Are you nervous?” I asked him in the backseat when we were almost there. He shook his head. “Uh, why not? I was terrified of meeting your parents.”

He shrugged. “Everyone likes me.”

I glared at him. “I wouldn’t be so sure,” I told him. “My mom can be very particular.”

“Will it change your mind about me if your mom doesn’t like me?” he asked. 

“No. Of course not,” I admitted. 

“Then what’s to worry about?”

“Well, she really loved Adam. She was heartbroken when I broke up with him,” I said, looking out the window. 

“Really?”

“Yep.”

“REALLY?” 

I sighed. “No.”

He smiled, satisfied with himself. 

“I hate you.”

“Liar.”

“Shut up.”

He smiled even wider and kissed my hand just as we pulled up to the house. He tipped the driver and we walked up the stairs to the front door of the beautiful victorian house. I had never been here before. They started dating while I was in San Francisco, but they didn’t move in together until after I left. I knocked, and Yunxi squeezed my hand, so maybe he was a little nervous after all. 

Mom answered the door with a huge smile. “ _Hey honey_!” she cried. “ _Come in_!”

We stepped inside and Yunxi handed her the bottle of wine we’d picked up before the ride over. 

“ _Mom, this is Yunxi. Yunxi, my mother_.”

“ _It’s nice to meet you_ ,” Yunxi said with a respectful bow. 

“ _No need to be so formal. Please, call me Jenny_ ,” she told him warmly. 

“ _Mom_ ,” I said in a way that let her know I thought she was ridiculous. 

“ _Or Jinqi, whatever makes you happy_ ,” she laughed. “ _This wine will be perfect for dinner_ ,” she said as she walked off to the kitchen. We took our shoes off and  
followed her.

“I told you, she’s very American,” I whispered to Yunxi and he smiled. 

“ _Meilin, you remember Jeff, don’t you_?” she asked as she rummaged through a drawer for a corkscrew. 

“ _Of course. Hi, Jeff_ ,” I said. 

“ _Jeff, this is Meilin’s boyfriend, Yunxi_ ,” she told him. They shook hands. 

“ _Welcome, Yunxi_ ,” Jeff said, managing just fine with his name. 

“ _Thank you. You have a nice house_ ,” Yunxi said politely. 

“ _Thank you_ ,” Jeff smiled, and launched into a speech about how the houses in the neighborhood had mostly been restored to reflect their victorian origins after the hippies had trashed them in the 60’s, but he would have preferred to have some of the old damage back. Jeff and my mom had met on tour in summer of ‘87, of course. To be honest, I don’t think Yunxi understood most of it, because I didn’t either. I didn’t realize how rusty my English was. But we both nodded along anyway. Jeff cooked us steaks for dinner, with mashed potatoes and corn, a good American meal. 

After dinner we sat in the cozy living room and talked over coffee. 

“ _Yunxi, tell us about your next project_ ,” my mom asked excitedly. 

“ _Oh_ ,” he smiled nervously, as if he hadn’t been interviewed hundreds of times, or maybe he was just nervous because she was using English. “ _It’s a drama_ ,” he started anxiously. 

“ _Is it modern or historical_?” She asked. I couldn’t help but smile at how hard they were both trying. 

“ _It’s modern_.” He looked at me for assurance, and I nodded to him. 

“ _Who is the female lead_?” My mom and I could really be a lot alike. 

“ _Her name is Xue Qingyi_.”

Mom’s eyebrows raised as she recognized the name. I shifted uneasily on the couch as I could feel her eyes slide onto me. 

“ _Are you familiar with Qingyi_?” he asked, looking at my mother before looking at me, looking at my pants. 

Mom’s eyes turned back to him. “ _You don’t know about Qingyi_?” Her voice was ice. 

“ _What? What about her? We know each other in school, right, Meimei_?” He was truly lost. 

Mom scoffed. “ _You never told him_?” she asked loudly. 

“What’s going on?” Yunxi asked me. “Did she say you didn’t tell me something?”

I couldn’t look at either of them. “It’s nothing,” I told him quietly. “ _Mom, it’s ancient history. It doesn’t matter anymore_.”

“What is it?” his voice was full of concern.

“ _It’s obviously not ancient history. You’re going to be seeing her? And he has no idea that this is why you’re giving up your life? Your independence that you fought for!_ ”  
Between her yelling at me in English and his soft spoken Mandarin I was getting very frustrated and we were all getting lost. 

“Enough!” I yelled at both of them. “Can we just talk in Mandarin please?” I begged them. I looked at Jeff. “ _Sorry, Jeff, but this probably won’t be interesting to you anyway_.”

He shrugged his agreement and left the room, not seeming at all upset to be allowed to leave the confrontation. I wished I could go with him. 

“What’s going on, Meimei? What don’t I know about Qingyi?” He was keeping calm, but I could see that he was utterly lost. 

I looked to my mother, who looked like she was ready to unload on him. A small part of me wanted to let her tell it, so that I wouldn’t have to, but she might say more than was necessary, so I jumped in before she could. I took a deep breath. “Qingyi is the person who threatened me to leave the academy while you were away with your family,” I admitted. I did feel somewhat relieved to finally have that off my chest after all these years. 

He froze for a moment while he thought. “She’s the one that threatened you?” he repeated. I just nodded. 

“She didn’t just-” mom was about to say exactly what I didn’t want her to, so I had to go on. 

“She was jealous, I guess,” even though I still couldn’t fathom why. “And she didn't want me to audition for the show, or to be at school at all. So I figured, I didn’t want those things anyway, and I left.”

Mom couldn’t hold it in, but I gave her a razor sharp look. She threw her hands up in defeat and stormed out of the room. Yunxi was still taking in the information, but he didn’t miss her reaction. I couldn’t tell exactly what he was thinking about, but I guessed there were probably some things I didn’t know either. They had known each other longer at that time, so I wasn’t surprised. And I was pretty sure I didn’t really care to know. 

“There’s something you’re not telling me,” he said finally. Of course, he was able to see through me like glass. 

I sighed heavily. “More than anything else, she didn’t want me to be with you. She knew I didn’t belong at school and that I wasn’t good enough for you, so she wanted me to leave. I never wanted to leave without telling you, but she threatened to hurt me if I didn’t, and when I didn’t back down she threatened to hurt you. So I had to go.”

He didn’t say anything for a long time, just sat staring at the corner of the room, chewing on his bottom lip as he thought. I couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind, and it was an uncomfortable feeling because he was usually quick to tell me. Did he believe me? Did he know I still wasn't telling the whole truth? 

“Please say something,” I finally begged, unable to bear his silence any longer. 

“Huh?” his head jerked a little. He’d been so lost in thought he’d practically forgotten I was there. “Oh. Um. Sorry, it’s just surprising to hear some of her words come out of your mouth.”

I blinked at him. “Which words?”

“Just that you didn’t belong there or with me. She had said to me that she was glad you had chosen to leave,” he shook his head in disbelief. “I never thought that she was the reason.”

I didn’t know what to say, and he returned to his memories for a moment. My morbid curiosity wished I could see them, but then I thought maybe I didn’t. 

“There was a rumor, when you left,” he finally said. I looked at him curiously. “Some people were saying that you got hurt, and that after you went to the hospital you didn’t come back. After I saw your dad on campus one day, I dismissed the idea. I figured that if you were hurt you’d be with him. I know now that you weren’t. You came here. So...did she actually hurt you?” His eyes seemed far away, somewhere back there in his memory, but also shocked. 

I shifted uneasily again. “I’ll tell you all about it someday, but not today,” I hedged. 

He scrunched up his face at me, almost angry, but not quite. “Why not tell me now?”

“You’re going to have to work with her in a couple weeks, for a long time. I don’t want it to be on your mind. And I don’t want you to talk to her about it. We’ve both kept this a secret for a long time, and I’m fine with her thinking it’s still that way. Just focus on the job at hand, and when it’s over I’ll answer all your questions,” I promised. 

He tried to accept that. “Okay. I just have one question though.” I nodded for him to go on. “If she hadn’t threatened you to leave, would you have still been there when I came back from my parents?”

I looked down at my feet before looking him in the eyes again. “I told you I didn’t plan when to leave. I would’ve been there.”

He sighed heavily. “So it’s her fault you disappeared. She’s the one who took you from me.” I didn’t know what to say, and he let it go. “There’s something I have to tell you, though.” I gulped and waited. “Qingyi and I used to date,” he said quickly, the words rushing together. 

I exhaled a single wry laugh and shook my head. I knew it. I mean, I didn’t know it, but I knew it. “Before or after?” I wondered.

“Both,” he said, keeping the honesty coming fast. 

“Both?” For some reason that surprised me. 

“Neither time was long or at all serious. We were never really in a relationship, just seeing each other, hanging out. I didn’t feel anything for her,” he swore. 

“Then why did you date her?” I didn’t want to sound angry and jealous, but I could hear it. 

“The first time was because I was young and stupid and just because she liked me. But I couldn’t stand her. The second time was because I was too lost and depressed about losing you to even realize or care what was really going on. She was just hanging around me and we fooled around a few times when we were drunk. I wouldn’t even call it dating, but I’m sure if you asked her she would, so I want you to hear it from me.” 

His eyes were yearning for my understanding. He was so easy to believe, so I didn’t dare doubt him. And I knew she was a crafty bitch, and that I’d left him in a mess, so I could hardly blame him. Still my skin was crawling with the thought of her and him, and I suddenly needed to stand. He stood with me and grabbed my hands. 

“It’s like you said, it’s all ancient history. I wouldn’t even think of it if this wasn’t all coming up now. Please forgive me.”

I stopped, looking deeply into his eyes and shaking my head. “You don’t need my forgiveness, Yunxi. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who left you.” I felt horrible remembering the whole incident. Not long ago it had seemed like we were at a place where it didn’t seem like it mattered anymore, but between all the memories of my dad, coming to San Francisco and Qingyi looming in our future, it made sense it was cropping up again. There was a part of me that wished I’d stayed with him, even though I knew it worked out the right way. For the first time in all these years, I felt regret. 

He pulled me into him, cradling my head against his shoulder. “Don’t think about it anymore. Everything worked out in the end.” I laughed a little at how he could so easily read my mind. “I hate that we were separated, and for so long, but we are here together now, and I’m happy as long as you’re happy.”

“And as long as you’re with me, I’m happy,” I smiled up at him, my sun, giving me his warmth as always and keeping me in the present. I sighed happily, relieved that the matter had been at least mostly resolved. The details could be told another time, and I still believed they weren’t all that important. I just needed to shield him from his overprotective nature for the time being, and let him believe that bitch Qingyi wasn’t the total monster that she actually was. I wasn’t looking forward to reuniting with her at all, and I didn’t know to what extent I would be able to keep our relationship a secret if I felt threatened by her in any way. But those were all future problems to be solved on another day.

I went to find my mom in the kitchen where she was polishing off the bottle of wine. She tried to give me a stern motherly look, but since I hadn’t grown up with it, it didn’t have much effect. 

“Mom, don’t worry so much,” I urged as I stood beside her. 

“I just don’t want you to get hurt again,” she said doubtfully.

“None of us are the people we were back then. She can’t hurt me anymore because I’m not scared. I have Yunxi, and he won’t hurt me. He would do anything for my happiness. And I’m very happy. So don’t worry about me. Just focus on your big day tomorrow,” I smiled. 

“Well, I’m your mother, so I’m always going to worry. But I am happy you’re here to celebrate tomorrow with me.” She smiled back warmly. 

“Are you nervous?” I wondered. 

She laughed. “Only about my family coming,” she admitted. 

I laughed with her. “Everything will be fine. Yunxi will be a distraction.” 

“He does seem very nice,” she admitted.

“Do you need me to come over early?”

“No. It’s not going to be a big fancy thing, you know. So don’t show up here super dressed up or anything, or you’ll stick out.”

I gave her a hug and we said our goodbyes before we headed back to the hotel.

“Thank you for today,” I told Yunxi as we got into bed that night. 

“What did I do?” he asked, surprised. 

“You held my hand while we walked down the street, and you just existed by my side and experienced the world with me.” I felt happy to my toes. 

“I wish it were that easy to make you happy every day,” he said, with just the slightest bit of regret in his voice. “Today made me very happy, too.”

“Why’s that?” I wondered. 

“It reminded me of when we were younger. Like that time we went to the botanical gardens and I just watched you explore and look at the world. I knew I’d want to go anywhere with you. So I always tried to take you to fun places, just to watch you,” he confessed. 

“I thought you were just good at making fun dates,” I laughed. 

“I am! But the fun for me was just seeing you. I think the worst part of having to keep us a secret is not getting to take you to experience new things. You get locked inside with me all the time, and that’s not where you’re meant to be.” His voice was very serious, like he’d put a lot of thought into it. “Your mom thinks you're throwing your life away on me,” he said it as half a statement, half a question, wondering if he’d caught it right. 

“That’s more or less what she said, but I don’t feel that way,” I assured him. 

“It’s been on my mind, too,” he admitted. “I know you’ve said it was fine. I know you say you’re making your own choice for your happiness. But being out with you today reminded me how wonderful you are in the world. You don’t deserve to be stuck in the apartment all the time. I’m a little afraid if you feel too caged up, you might feel the need to run away.”

“You know, I’m not actually caged in, right? I can go out, just not with you,” I laughed. “Stop worrying about that, please.” I brushed some hair off his forehead. “Before all that stuff with my dad, I was really happy being with you every day. This is working for me just fine. I’m not losing anything,” I assured him. 

His face lifted. “We should take more trips like this when we can, so you don’t get claustrophobic. There must be plenty of places in the world where people don’t know me.”

I was shocked by his humility, but not by his concern for or consideration of my feelings.

“Yeah, there’s probably a corner or two,” I agreed, unable to stop smiling at the thought of exploring with him. “There’s probably not anyone in Africa who knows you.”

“Oh! We could see lions!” He sounded childlike. 

“Okay, then. We’ll go see the lions. They don’t have cameras.”


	22. Chapter 22

I woke up in a cold sweat, but I wasn’t screaming. I was sobbing. Yunxi was already pulling me in, stroking my hair away from my face, hushing me as I apologized over and over again. Not for the tears or waking him up, but for whatever it was in my dream. It was slipping away, and I only had the vague fear left, all the more terrifying because I didn’t know what to be afraid of. 

“Meilin, it’s okay,” Yunxi said softly. “You’re okay. I’m here with you. It was just a dream.”

I gasped for air and grasped at him, thankful he was solid even though I couldn’t see him in the darkness of the hotel room. 

“There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m with you,” he said again as I continued to struggle for air. “Breathe with me,” he said and held me close. I felt his chest expand and contract against mine and tried to catch the rhythm of it. I listened closely for the sound of the air coming in and out through his nose, and slowly I began to calm. 

I got my arms around him and held onto him tight, like a piece of driftwood in the vast ocean that consumed me. “Thank you,” I said, the last tear coming down my cheek. “Thanks for being here.”

“I won’t let go, okay?” he said, making sure I knew that he was supporting me and I wouldn’t drown, but I just held on tighter. 

“Was it your dad?” he asked after a few minutes had passed and my grip on him loosened.

I nodded. “I think so. It’s gone now.”

“He’s gone,” Yunxi reminded me. “He can’t hurt you again.”

If only that were true. He seemed to be lingering around to do just that. Yunxi sensed I didn’t believe it. 

“If you’re still struggling, maybe we can find someone who can help when we get back to Chengdu,” he suggested softly. 

“Maybe,” I replied. 

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want. I just hate to see you suffer, and trauma doesn’t heal on its own.” He kissed my forehead. “But I’ll be here to hold you regardless.”

“Promise?” I mumbled into his chest. 

“For the rest of your life, I promise I will be here to hold you when you cry or when you’re scared. And if I’m not you can punish me any way you want. Okay?”

“You said it, so you’d better keep your promise,” I smiled, already feeling warmer and safer. 

A few hours later I woke again when the bright daylight was outlining the hotel curtains. We were still wrapped up in each other. Yunxi stirred a little, rolling over onto his back, as I pulled away from him, just enough to look at his face in the dim light while he continued to sleep. A few minutes later he opened his eyes to find me watching him. 

“Hi,” he smiled wide and rubbed his eyes. 

“Good morning,” I smiled back. 

“Have you been awake long?” he asked, rolling back onto his side to face me. 

“Not long.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“A wax figure of you.”

He laughed his high dorky laugh. “I really put that thought into your head, huh?”

“You did. Don’t you think it would be nice? Then I could have it around when you’re gone.”

“You know, there are things I can do that a wax figure can’t,” he said, stroking my cheek. He rolled over on top of me. 

“You wanna show me now? Don’t we have things to go see?” I looked toward the window. 

“There’s nothing in this world I would rather see than you, like this,” he said quietly before bringing his mouth to mine. 

Yunxi kissed me tenderly as his hand grasped the extra flesh at my hips and squeezed. My lips drifted across his jaw toward his neck and I dragged my fingernails down his back and he moaned. His phone began to ring. I pulled my mouth away from him and looked in the direction of the sound. 

“Ignore it,” he said roughly, taking my face in his hand and kissing me again while the phone continued to ring. His hand wandered up to my breast and massaged it firmly. Seconds after his phone fell silent, mine started to ring. I laughed and reached my hand in that direction, but he locked his fingers with mine. “No,” he said between kisses. Finally, the hotel phone rang loudly and he groaned even louder. He reached over to answer it. 

“When we get home you’re fired,” he said before the other person had a chance to speak. He listened to something. “You can go on your own,” he said gruffly, and then listened again. “Yeah, fine. We’ll meet you down there in a little bit.” 

He came back to hover above me. “They’re hungry, and apparently they need you to go with them to interpret,” he told me, clearly annoyed. 

I looked over at the bedside clock. “It is after 10, and I am kind of hungry,” I admitted. 

He breathed in deep and sighed. “Okay,” he acquiesced and kissed my forehead. 

After a large American style brunch and a few hours of site-seeing, we arrived at my mother’s house to find the strangest combination of people I had ever seen. In one group were my mom’s family, dressed nicely and sitting quietly, and in the other were all her hippie friends, not acting out in any way, but not making any secret of their enjoyment either. If my grandma were there to see it, she would not have approved, but she had passed a few years ago. The gathering was rather small, maybe thirty people at most, and the two groups were not mixing. I led our small crew over to the side of the room where my family was sitting. It was a joy just to see my grandfather’s eyes light up when he caught sight of me. 

“Hi, grandpa,” I smiled and hugged him tightly. 

He smiled back and squeezed my hand. “Your mother said you were coming, but I didn’t believe her.”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” I assured him. 

“And you brought your husband?” he asked hopefully. 

I laughed. “Mmm, this is my boyfriend Luo Yunxi. Yunxi this is my grandfather.”

“It’s an honor to meet you,” Yunxi said, bowing. 

“You’re from Chengdu?” grandpa asked excitedly. Yunxi nodded. “Sit with me and talk to me about my hometown,” grandpa requested, and Yunxi happily obliged. 

I introduced Wang and Hua Ling to my aunts, uncles and cousins, who had varying levels of chinese language skills, but they seemed happy enough. My nineteen year old cousin Ana waved me over to the corner she was occupying with her phone. 

“ _Cousin, is that Luo Yunxi?_ ” she whispered. 

My eyes widened in shock. “ _Who’s Luo Yunxi?_ ”

She rolled her eyes. “ _I saw him in Ashes of Love not long ago_ ,” she replied. 

“ _What? How?_ ”

“ _Chinese dramas are becoming popular over here. All my friends watch them._ ”

“ _Unbelievable_ ,” I sighed. 

“ _It is him, isn’t it?_ ” She raised up her phone, I assumed to take a picture. 

I put my hand over her phone and pushed it down. “ _Here’s the thing, Ana. It is Luo Yunxi. But we don’t want our relationship to be public yet, so I need you to keep it a secret_.”

“ _Luo Yunxi is your boyfriend?!_ ” she squealed. Our family and a few other guests, including Yunxi, looked over in our direction.

“ _Yes_ ,” I sighed, even though I liked the sound of it. 

Ana looked at me in wonder for a moment before responding. “ _Okay. Just for you. You’re so lucky_.”

I smiled. “ _You have no idea_.” I turned to leave her, but then I looked down at the phone in her hand. “ _Promise me, no pictures_.” She nodded. 

I walked back over to where Yunxi was sitting with grandpa, huge smiles plastered across both their faces. He turned to me and immediately picked up on my nervousness when   
I sat beside him. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, throwing a sideways glance to my cousin, who was looking at her phone. 

“My cousin knows who you are,” I said quietly. 

“Really?” he asked, all too pleased with himself. 

“She recognized you immediately. I’m sorry,” I sighed and looked down at my hands. 

He took my hand and rubbed his thumb over my wrist. “What are you apologizing for?” he smiled. 

“I...I don’t know. I don’t think she’ll tell anyone. I asked her not to take any pictures. But-”

“Love, you remember that we are secretive for your sake, not mine, right? I don’t mind if the whole world knows about us. I don’t mind having my picture taken. But if you’re worried about it, maybe I can talk to her, if you want,” he offered. 

I looked up at him and shook my head with a small smile. “No, it will be fine.” I inhaled and exhaled loudly. “I’m just overthinking things. I’m sorry.”

He laughed. “Are you done apologizing yet?”

I smiled wider. “Yes. I’m going to find my mom.” I kissed him lightly on the cheek and left him to my family once again. I went up to the second floor and knocked on her door. 

“Who is it?” she asked from within.

“It’s me, mama.”

“Oh, come in!” She sounded very cheerful, just as she should. 

I was surprised to find her wearing a bright red gown that flowed to the floor. “You’re not wearing white?” I asked. 

She laughed loudly. “It didn’t quite seem appropriate. But red is a good color, right? Happy.”

“It’s perfect. You look beautiful.” I smiled, tears of joy welling in my eyes. 

She pulled me into a hug. “Don’t you dare start.”

“Okay.” I choked them back. 

“Is everyone here? Did you see your grandfather?” She sat back down at her vanity to put finishing touches on her makeup. 

“Yes, he’s talking to Yunxi.”

“I’m sure he’s thrilled. Did he ask if you were married?” She rolled her eyes. 

“Actually, when he saw Yunxi he just assumed. People seem to be doing that a lot lately,” I said to my shoes. 

“Don’t rush into anything. You’ve only been together for a little while. You have lots of time,” she assured me, looking seriously at me through the mirror. 

“I know mom.”

“I just don’t want you to make mistakes like I did.”

“Yunxi’s nothing like dad,” I told her, maybe a little too defensively. 

“I didn’t mean that.” We both sighed. She stood. “Forget it. It’s the past, and tonight is about the future.” She smiled and patted my cheek. “Can you go down and check if they’re ready?”

After passing a few messages back and forth, she finally came down the stairs. The ceremony was simple and brief, performed by a mutual friend of theirs who didn’t wear any shoes. 

“Is this a typical American wedding?” Wang leaned over and asked me when it was over.

I couldn’t contain my laughter. “No. Definitely not.”

After, there was a meal and dancing. Grandpa allowed Yunxi to ask me to dance. He held out his hand to me and gave me a wink without saying a word. On the dance floor he held me gently. His smile hadn’t changed for hours. 

“You seem very happy,” I commented.

He pulled me closer so his lips were nearer to my ear. “I’ve never been this happy in my whole life.”

“Why?” I wondered, my beaming smile concealed by his shoulder. 

“I’ve been following you around for two days. I’m dancing with you at a party. I feel like I’m part of your life, rather than the other way around. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it makes me very happy.”

I pulled back so I could look at him. “It’s our life now, isn’t it?”

His eyes crinkled. “It is.”

“I bet you want a wedding much bigger than this, huh?” I commented a moment later. 

“Why would you say that?”

“Mm, just a bit small for you isn’t it?” Yunxi was larger than life, and I couldn’t imagine him hosting a small affair. 

“I’ve never thought about it,” he said absently. 

“Really? You’ve never thought about marrying me? Or you’ve never thought about what your wedding would be like?”

“Neither.” He shrugged. 

“You don’t want to marry me?” I looked at him with big puppy eyes. He smiled back silently. “What?”

“You’re trying to trick me into asking you to marry me, but it won’t work,” he said smugly. I scoffed and turned to walk away from him, but he smoothly turned my move into a spin and pulled me back in. “Why should I ask if I already know the answer?” he asked quietly in my ear. 

“I’m changing my mind,” I muttered back. 

“I’ll get you to change it back,” he assured me. “You’re mine for life,” he whispered. “Be patient.” 

I closed my eyes and laughed silently. “Okay,” I agreed. I truly wasn’t trying to rush him. It was just that the idea had come up so much recently between the wedding and everyone assuming we were already married that I couldn’t help but think of it. He was right though, because I would be his for the rest of my life, and I didn’t need to be married to prove that. 

“Will you wear red or white?” he wondered a couple of minutes later. 

“You’d have to ask me to find out,” I replied, to which he laughed loudly. 

We didn’t get to spend much time with my mom, but it was still worth it to see her radiantly happy. 

“Thank you again for coming,” she said as she hugged me goodbye late that evening. Most everyone else had already left. “I know it wasn’t easy for you to come, and I wish we had more time, but I’m really happy you were here.” She smiled and I could see her eyes watering. 

“Don’t worry mom. It won’t be so long before we see each other again. I promise.” I hugged her tight again. 

“Be good to my daughter please,” she said to Yunxi, giving him an unexpected hug. 

“That’s my only intention,” he assured her. We finished our goodbyes and went back to the hotel. 

“Can I see your phone?” Yunxi asked when I came out of the bathroom after brushing my teeth. I scrunched my face at him, but handed it over. He quickly turned it off and put it on the bedside table. 

“What are you doing?”

“I don’t want to get interrupted this time,” he said. 

“But we have an early flight tomorrow.”

“I’ll turn them back on before we go to sleep. I just don’t want any calls from Wang or Hua Ling tonight.”

“I’m sure they're busy,” I laughed. 

He narrowed his eyes at me. “What do you mean ‘busy’?”

I coughed. “I mean, I’m sure they’re sleeping already.”

He continued to eye me suspiciously for a moment before his expression suddenly turned mischievous, he reached out for my hand and pulled me quickly onto the bed. “That’s one thing you won’t be doing for a while,” he smiled as he pulled me against him and looked down on me with his dark, lusty eyes. 

With my mom and her new husband leaving for their honeymoon the next morning, we planned a couple of days in Disneyland before we had to fly home so Yunxi could work. His childlike enthusiasm for the park was amusing in and of itself, well before we even got there.

“It’s the happiest place on Earth, Meimei,” he smiled as he zipped up his suitcase.

We still had to brave the short flight from San Francisco to LAX, and although there weren’t that many people there we still kept our distance. 

“So, how are things with Mr. Wang?” I asked Hua Ling quietly while Yunxi was in the bathroom. 

She looked at me with wide eyes for a moment and then turned her head away. “I don’t know what you mean,” she replied. 

“C’mon Lingling. You can tell me. I promise I won’t tell the boss.”

“There’s nothing to tell,” she insisted. 

“Really?” I pushed, poking her with my finger. She smacked my hand and moved away just as Yunxi was coming back. He sat in the row of seats opposite of me and threw glances at me over his phone while we waited. 

On getting to the resort I officially handed the reins off to Yunxi. We were all on his Disneyland adventure now, just along for the ride. It was enough happiness for me just to watch his joy as we dashed from ride to ride--he’d splurged for the fastpass of course. Listening to his laughter throughout the day was like injecting pure, unadulterated   
sunlight into my veins. Maybe it really was the happiest place on earth. 

By the end of our second day there, everyone but Yunxi was absolutely exhausted. Keeping up with him was tough work, and I was pretty sure I would sleep for our whole flight home. I was practically falling asleep on his shoulder as we sat outside waiting to watch the fireworks. 

“You’re gonna miss the magic,” he whispered as I closed my eyes and leaned against him. 

“Wake me up when it starts,” I mumbled in response. 

He lifted my chin up gently, and I opened my heavy eyes to look at him. “I wore you out?” he asked, and I nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It was worth it. Glad you had fun.” I smiled sleepily at him. 

He sighed heavily. “I did have fun. Back to the real world tomorrow.”

I wrapped my arms around his waist. “I think the real world is fun, too.”

“You wouldn’t rather be on vacation all the time? We could always be like this.” He put his arm over my shoulder to show me what he meant. 

I shrugged. “I miss cooking,” I admitted, and he laughed. 

“Okay, if I’m being honest, I miss you cooking, too.” His laughter was broken by the bang and flashing of fireworks.

I stretched my head up to kiss him on the cheek. “It doesn’t matter where we are Yunxi. When I’m with you, it’s always pretty magical.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is honestly just an excuse for a little smut, which I realize I've neglected lately.

Getting to LAX felt like a very abrupt ending to the trip. Suddenly, we had to be on our guard again, completely. There would be no more hand holding or casual, innocent kisses. As soon as we got out of the car we went our separate ways, and I did whatever I could not to look at him again until we were in our seats. There seemed to be more threats to our privacy on our fully booked flight back to Beijing than on our way there, and I only let Yunxi hold my hand under the blanket as I slept for much of the flight as I’d anticipated, although it wasn’t very restful. 

In Beijing we parted ways, with the three of them staying in the capitol for a few days for Yunxi to do some brand promotion. I said I could stay with them, but he insisted he would be very busy, and it wouldn’t be worth it for me. Other than wanting to be with him I wasn’t bothered about it though. I’d rather go home and relax after a busy and quick vacation. 

Yunxi arrived home from Beijing in the middle of the afternoon. For once, I didn’t see the other two behind him. Before I had time to wonder, let alone ask, about where they were, Yunxi was grabbing me by the wrist, pulling me toward the bedroom. He closed the door and pushed me against it. He kissed me urgently on the lips before moving down to my neck. I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Have you eaten?” I wondered through my laughter, both at this urgency and because his lips were tickling my neck. 

“I ate lunch,” he said roughly, barely moving his lips from my shoulder. 

“Have you gotten much rest?” I asked. The jet lag both ways had taken a toll on me, and I hadn’t even been working. 

“Enough.” He paused to look me in the face, his rush momentarily gone. “Have you been sleeping okay?” he thought to ask. My heart tingled at his sweetness. 

“Well enough,” I assured him, though I wasn’t free of nightmares. 

“Good,” he smiled, and went back to kissing me. He reached down to grab me by my thighs and carried my to the bed where he dropped me down with a bounce. He pulled his sweatshirt and t-shirt off together over his head before leaning down to kiss me once again until I was laying down on my back. 

“How was the weather in Beijing? Cold?” I asked as he slid his hand under my shirt and his lips moved to my neck again. 

He pulled back. “Meilin, does it look like I want to talk about the weather right now?” he asked, unable or not even trying to keep the irritation out of his voice. 

“No. I’m just trying to get you worked up,” I admitted mischievously. 

He looked at me with narrow eyes, and before I could even enjoy it he rolled me over and pulled down my shorts. He pulled them down until they fell off my legs, which were dangling off the bed, before he spanked me hard on the ass. “Is that what you wanted?” he asked through gritted teeth. 

I screamed with delight. “If that’s what you think I deserve,” I smiled into the comforter. 

He smacked me again, slightly harder, and I couldn’t help laughing even as it stung. He spanked me a few more times, but Yunxi got no pleasure from punishment. He was a spoiler. When I finally yelped out an “ow” he stopped and dropped to his knees. 

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” he said softly, seemingly to my red ass more than to me as he rubbed the spot and gave it gentle kisses. I hooked my leg around him and pulled him closer until I could feel his warm body between my thighs. He continued to touch and kiss my backside until all the pain had gone away. He ran his fingers along the edge of my panties down to my crotch, making me shiver and raising goosebumps. Slowly, he pulled aside the satin fabric to take a look at me. His fingertip barely touched me as it ran down my slit to my clit, almost, but not quite touching. 

“You’re so wet, princess,” he whispered, just loud enough for me to hear. 

“I’ve been thinking about you coming home all day,” I admitted. 

“You have?” he asked seductively as he dipped his finger just slightly into my thick juices and spread it over my lips. 

“Mhm,” I moaned into the bed. 

“What do you want me to do to you?” he wondered. 

“Everything,” I moaned desperately. 

He hummed as he considered for a moment. He took his hands off of me and I could just hear the sound of his soft pants sliding down his legs. He stood and pushed my legs so I could be on my knees instead of my stomach.

“It’s so hard to choose between the things I want to do to you,” he said as he stroked himself. “But right now…” I felt the head of his cock spread my lips open before he pushed slowly and gently into me. He gave me his full length and we both moaned quietly as he filled me up. There was a kind of indescribably completeness in that. One of those things that was just satisfying in the rightness of it. He gave me several slow, complete thrusts in appreciation of it before gripping my hips tightly and increasing his pace. I closed my eyes and lowered my head down to the bed as he fucked every thought out of my brain. I thrust my hips backward to his rhythm, making a satisfying slapping sound with our skin to accompany the delicious wet sound of him pumping in and out of me. Wanting greedily to feel more of him, I reached my hand backward for his and he took it. He reached out and grabbed my other hand so he could hold them both behind my back, leaving me powerless to do anything but be utterly and hopelessly fucked by him, and cry his name into the soft bedding. Not that I minded. Soon, it didn’t seem like that was enough for him though, and he pushed me further onto the bed with his hips until I laid flat on my stomach. He laid down against me and I don’t know, but I think he wanted all the skin contact of his chest against my back, because that was all I could think about. His skin was a little slick from the sweat of his exertion, but it was warm and it felt like my own. He placed his knees outside of mine and pushed my legs together, then took gentle strokes so he could continue to feel all of me against him. With his arms on mine, he tucked them under me and held me tight. He couldn’t have been any closer to me if he was me. Yunxi was my second skin, and I felt at home in it. He kissed softly at my shoulders. All his anxious energy had turned into a languid sensuality that seemed to go on for a heavenly long time. When he finished, he rolled over to the side, but didn't let me go until I turned around to face him, anxious to see him because the visual was the only thing I was missing. 

“The only bad thing about that was not seeing your ace,” he smiled, stroking my cheek. 

“You took the words out of my mouth,” I smiled back. 

Yunxi dozed off soon after, tired from so much work. I laid with him for a little while before I covered him with a blanket and slipped away to get dressed and work on dinner. By then Hua Ling was sitting on the couch in the living room, looking at her phone. She lifted her head to give me a knowing look. I gave her a smug smile in response and waved her into the kitchen with me. 

“Did you enjoy your vacation?” I asked her as I opened the refrigerator and began to rummage through the groceries I just stocked that morning. 

“It was nice, but travelling with Yunxi is exhausting,” she sighed. He did have an extraordinarily high level of energy that could be hard to keep up with. 

“Where’s Wang-ge?” 

“Why do you ask?” she said defensively. 

“Why can’t I ask?” I laughed. “Are you feeling guilty about something?”

“What would I have to feel guilty about?”

“C’mooooooon, Lingling. Talk to me.” I was starting to sound like Xuanxu. 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she insisted, but she couldn’t hide it on her face, so I just stared at her. “It’s not like we’re dating or anything,” she muttered. 

“No. Why would you? You probably already know everything about each other. Plus it’s not like you get a lot of time off.” I smirked. 

“True.”

“But does he treat you nice? I mean, in private?”

She sighed, dropping what was left of her defenses. “Yeah. He’s actually sweet. Not that he talks a lot or anything.” She waved a hand in the air. 

“Good. That’s what matters.” We heard the door open and close. “Speak of the devil.”

“Shh,” she hissed, making me laugh. Wang heard us in the kitchen anyway and came in. 

“Hey, so here’s the thing. I’m going to make a really excellent dinner for you two, and you’re going to eat and then go to your rooms, and not come out for a while. Okay?”  
They looked at each other. “We were thinking of going to see a movie,” Hua Ling said sheepishly. I grinned wide as Wang shot her a wary look. “She knows,” she hissed. 

“Oh. Then we’ll definitely eat dinner before,” he grinned. 

I snorted. “That works, too.”

“Meimei?” I heard drift through the apartment into the dining room. Moments later he was in front of me in nothing but his boxers, hair a mess. “What’s all this?” Yunxi asked, gesturing to the candlelit dinner before him. 

I took his hand. “Erm. Well, I’m kind of a one trick pony. I only know how to do this. But I want you to know how much I appreciate all that you’ve done for me the past few weeks,” I told him. 

“What have I done?” he wondered. 

“You’ve been so supportive, and I know I haven’t been easy to put up with, so thank you. You’ve been amazing.”

Yunxi shook his head with a small smile. “All I’ve done is listen to you and hold you when you needed it. You think these are sacrifices for me?” he asked. 

I shrugged. “And you took me to my mom’s,” I added quietly. 

“And we had a wonderful, fun, relaxing vacation together. Meilin, these are the things I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, I would rather you weren’t struggling, because it hurts to watch you suffer. I want every day to be a happy one for you. But when they’re not, I just want to be there to help you. My days won’t always be easy, and I know you’ll be there for me, too. Getting to wake up next to you and kiss you before I leave for work, knowing that I’ll come back to our home, wherever that is, and fall asleep beside you...these are all the things I need from you. It’s all I’ve wanted for so long. I don’t need thanks. Besides, it is my ultimate intention to spoil you. I can’t be stopped.” He took a step closer and tucked my hair behind my ear as he took my face in his hands.

“Now you’re going too far. I don’t deserve to be spoiled.” 

“Okay, firstly, I will not debate your merits with you, because you’re ridiculous. Secondly, by definition, spoiling is in no way related to what you deserve. It’s about me giving you everything you want and more. It’s my choice to spoil you, and you have no choice but to accept it.” He pulled me in for a hug, wrapping me firmly in his arms to hold me against his bare chest. “You think you’re being high maintenance when you’re really asking for the bare minimum, and I’m wracking my brains for how to do more for you.”

“You could eat this dinner I made,” I smiled. 

He laughed and released me. “Let me go put some clothes on.”

I sighed as I looked at him. “If you must.”

Some things in life you wonder, what is the point of doing if you’re only going to undo it later? Like, why make the bed when you’re going to get in it again in the night? Why did Yunxi need to put on clothes if I was only going to get him out of them an hour later? 

After dinner we left the dishes on the table, and I pulled him toward the bathroom. I ran a hot bath and lit lavender scented candles I had bought just for this moment. Yunxi sat in the bath while it filled and waited while I brushed out my hair. I got in and knelt behind him so I could rub his shoulders. 

“You must’ve worked hard in Beijing to have slept so soundly earlier,” I observed quietly, rubbing the knots out of his neck. 

“Not that hard. It must’ve just caught up with me from travelling.” He moaned quietly, and I focused on that spot. “You do have more than one trick,” he said after a few minutes. He turned around in the water to face me. “You’re good with your hands,” he smiled. 

I shook my head at his innuendo. He cupped his hands to gather water and lifted it above my head to let it fall over me, like he was anointing me with his holy water. I let my eyes close as it ran down my face, so I could only hear him move through the water before he kissed me, soft and wet. He pulled me in between his legs and held me close. I pulled away from the kiss so I could rest my head on his shoulder and we just rested like that for a long time, pretzeled with each other. This intimacy was the most relaxing thing I had felt in weeks. All of our tensions melted into the water until it started to cool, and we finally got out.


	24. Chapter 24

The couple of weeks we spent at home went by quickly, but happily. Yunxi had to leave a couple of times for various events or photoshoots, but the days we spent at home together were tranquil and relaxing. On the days he was busy, at Yunxi’s urging, I made sure to do things in the city I used to enjoy, like going to my favorite restaurants or tea houses or simply out for a walk through the streets so I wouldn’t be shut inside. And he was right, it did make me feel freer. The air on the penthouse terrace was too hard to breath, being high enough to be mostly smog. And even the exhaust from the cars on the street was easier to take than that. 

Before I knew it, it was already early March, and we packed up our things for a return to Shanghai. 

“Are you really packing you wok?” Yunxi laughed as he watched me organize my things. It was easy for him. All he needed were all his favorite comfy clothes--even if they were all designer brands--because if he wasn’t relaxing at home he would be wearing clothes provided by someone else.

“Of course. I can put my knives in checked luggage, right?” I asked. That had him rolling. “Don’t laugh! This is all for you!” I said, pointing a spatula at him. 

I thought it would take longer after getting there to see Qingyi. It was only the second day of shooting when I was taking lunch up to Yunxi’s trailer that I saw her walking away from it, looking annoyed. My heart pounded in my chest as we approached each other, but she couldn’t have been more oblivious to my existence. I let out a sigh of relief before knocking on the trailer door. 

“I told you he’s…” Wang opened the door. “Oh, it’s you.” He moved away so I could come in. I raised my eyebrows at him. 

“He’s what?” I wondered. 

“He’s waiting for you,” Wang smiled. 

“Yes! So hungry,” Yunxi whined, and it took all my self control not to pat his head like a child. He took the basket from my hands to see what was inside. 

“Was that Qingyi I just saw walking away?” I asked. It was an exceptionally dumb way of asking if she had been there. 

“Yeah. She came by, but I had Wang send her off,” Yunxi said, opening a thermos and breathing in deep before a smile broke across his face. 

“Why?” I wondered, trying to make it sound like I couldn’t already hear the irritation in his voice when he talked about her. 

“I don’t want to see her any more than I have to,” he said bluntly. “And I knew you were coming, and I definitely don’t want you to have to see her.” 

“Careful, it’s-” I tried to warn him as he took a spoonful of soup without blowing on it. He instantly spit it back out and moaned in pain. “Hot. Dummy. Like you’ve never eaten soup before.” I rolled my eyes and handed him a bottle of water. 

“Be nice,” he pouted. 

“I’m sorry, my very handsome baby. Do you want me to blow on it for you?” I offered sarcastically. 

He fake sobbed before losing his own act and laughing. 

“How are things going on set?” I asked as he began to eat properly. They’d already been working together for several days in preparation, but I hesitated to ask about her. 

“It’s okay. Our characters start out not liking each other, so it’s pretty easy to perform. I just try not to talk to her much off script.”

“That must be making things pretty awkward,” I thought. He shrugged. “Yunxi, don’t make this hard on yourself for what she did to me ten years ago. The whole reason I didn’t tell you was so it wouldn’t be difficult for you.”

He stopped eating to look at me over the table. “It’s not because of what she did to you.” He sighed. “I mean, yes, I’m extremely upset about that. I don’t even know exactly what it was, but I know it was bad enough that I should hate her. But I hate her because of what she did to me. She drove you away and then used the opportunity to get close to me. She took away ten years of my life. I’m not going to easily forgive her for that.” He turned his attention back to his lunch. 

“Don’t be angry, Xixi. It’s bad for your health,” I reminded him, but he ignored me. 

When it was time for him to go back he kissed me inside his trailer before we left. I could still tell he was tense, and I couldn’t help but feel guilty for it. I walked back with all of them toward the set, since it was on my way out, and then parted ways with them. 

“Who was that?” I heard a curious voice behind me ask while I was still within ear shot. I glanced over my shoulder to see Yunxi talking to Qingyi. She was standing with her back to me and I slowed to a stop to hear their conversation. 

“That’s my chef,” Yunxi said simply. 

“You have a chef?” she asked, sounding impressed and surprised. He must have nodded in response. “Well how about giving her the night off? We can go get dinner and catch up,” she offered. 

“No, thanks. I’m on a special diet. Hence the chef. I only eat what she feeds me.” I could imagine the smile on his face from the sound of his voice, but maybe he was holding it back. I didn’t dare to turn around and look, and I hurried away before I could hear whatever her reaction might have been. 

I usually tried to time my arrival perfectly, so I would get to his trailer just after Yunxi, when Qingyi was already back at her own so I could avoid her completely. On the occasion that I was off by a little and I could see her coming I would usually duck behind something so she wouldn’t see me. It was childish, maybe, but I thought of it as self-preservation. One day, they ran over with the morning shoot, not entirely unusual, but I was unaware and was left waiting outside the trailer for them to return. As time dragged on I sat on the steps and got lost in my thoughts about other things. 

It was Qingyi’s voice that brought me back to the time and place. “Who are you?” she asked loudly, as if she had a right to know. 

I stood. We were the same height, standing eye-to-eye. “I’m Mr. Luo’s chef,” I said, trying not to sound as nervous as I suddenly and ridiculously felt. 

She squinted at me. “Why do you look familiar?” she wondered. 

I sighed. “Lei Meilin,” I said with the slightest of bows, almost ironically. 

Understanding dawned on her face for a moment and then she raised an eyebrow. She looked me up and down, and I tried my hardest not to squirm under her gaze. “So, you became a chef?” she wondered skeptically. 

I lifted up my basket and gave a small, fake smile. 

“And you got fat, but it looks good on you.” What the hell kind of thing was that to say?

Before she could say anymore, Wang appeared behind her and cleared his throat. I moved away from the door so he could unlock the trailer and let me in. He gave me a sympathetic look as I walked past him. 

“Were you talking to Qingyi?” Yunxi asked when he came in half a minute later.

“Barely,” I muttered as I set out lunch containers on the table. 

“What did she say?” he wondered and settled into his seat. 

“Nothing important,” I told him, trying to sound unaffected. Wang gave me another sad look and I just shook my head at him subtly. “Your hair is looking really great today,” I said to distract him. He smiled at the compliment and turned his attention to his food and not me. 

When Yunxi came home late that night it seemed like he did so in a hurry. This time around we were staying in a real apartment, rather than a hotel room, with a real kitchen. Of course, that was where he found me. He looked at me intently, studying my face as he gripped the edge of the counter. He didn’t say anything, not even a hello. 

“Hey, handsome,” I said as I wrapped a dumpling.

He looked at me for another second. “Wang told me what he overheard Qingyi say to you today.”

I waited for more, but there was nothing but a stony look on his face. “And?”

“I just wanted to see if you’re okay. She didn’t upset you?” His face softened with what seemed like relief. 

I looked down at my work. “You really think my self esteem is that fragile?” It wasn’t. Not entirely. I would be lying to say it didn’t sting in the moment, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin my day or anything. Well, not my whole day. 

“No. I’m glad. I just worried.”

“No need,” I assured him. “Even if I cared about her opinion at all, you’re way too addicted to my body for me to care if I’m fat or thin. It’s irrelevant.” That was the pep talk I’d been giving myself all day.

He smiled widely. “I’m really pleased you recognize that, because it was going to be my rationale to cheer you up, if need be.” He walked around the counter to stand behind me. He ran his hands over my hips before wrapping them around my waist. He whispered in my ear. “I really can never get enough of you. You're so perfect. I remember back in school when I had to trick you to make you eat and put on weight.”

My jaw dropped and I gasped at the realization that he had in fact done that. All the times he took me out to eat he was just trying to fatten me up. I couldn’t blame him. I was frighteningly skinny back then. And then I remembered the beatings I took for every kilo I had gained over that semester, but I didn’t bring it up. I tried not to dwell on it. 

“I can’t believe you did that,” I told him. He nuzzled my neck and kissed languidly on my shoulder. “Do you want to help me, or just distract me?” I asked after a minute. 

“Distract you,” he replied, and continued until someone opened the front door of the apartment. He stood up straight and moved to lean against the counter beside me as Hua Ling came in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was super short, and I haven't posted in forever, but I'm a bit stuck with this one. :(


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